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Struggling an email I sent to my therapist after not being able to continue my Skype session today
Hey
I haven’t been on the site for a very long time...
I started typing an email in a text to copy and paste to my email and then got a text so that wiped what I had written! I should know by now not to do that! Lol.
Came to a decision and am dropping the course I am doing – I’m not coping with it emotionally or physically as I’m working, piano lessons and seeing an exercise physiologist twice a week I don’t think it’s doable especially with my moods and stress levels being severely effected.
I’m sorry about earlier -Flashbacks and memories made me go back to when I was a teenager....when they’d eavesdrop on my KHL phone and web sessions. Yeah not able to speak to my family about how I’m feeling because I can never put it into words that make sense for them so I just don’t talk to them now seems easier.
I was also freaked out about how straightforward you were when asking me about my self harm urges. Why? Not sure. It was something I hadn’t spoken to Bev about in awhile and it’s a confusing area in my life. I know we have touched on it slightly but wasn’t ready for it today.
Yes I know I’m the one that wrote about it. It still freaked me out.
It’s so confusing. Thoughts range from Im 27, I shouldn’t be depressed and should be ok without therapy to why the **** can’t I just let myself cut myself? My parents and sister smoke so why can’t I just be able to cut to release my emotions? I’ve been depressed since December 2004 and have cut from then until 2013 sometime so is it now things aren’t as bad or because I’m scared of what my parents think? My friends and family don’t understand it and I had to push to get medication reviewed in 2016 and had to push hard and break down in front of my GP in 2013 to get grief therapy and then regular therapy.
Everyone says I’m too soft natured or stress too much or too easily and that I need to harden the **** up.
Some days I don’t know what to think to be honest. Or to feel at times. To think I started working a 30 hour fortnight and have brought it down to a 20 hour fortnight at times depresses me but then I remember about stress my depression and my back.
Let I not bring being a Christian and feelings into this or it may never end! Let’s just say some people at church don’t agree with therapy or medication to treat depression. Which yes does make things very hard at times indeed.
I have wonderful support at work which is great. Once the redundancies happened, bringing myself to trust and confide into my boss who’s the CEO of the company, was something I found very difficult to do last year but glad I did it because it took me six months to confide into my old boss when I originally started working there. What can I say? Wasn’t treated well at my last job in 2012.
I’ve moved into Nan’s old bedroom. I’m tickled pink because the Internet works great, I just need to remember to download everything onto my Mac that I want to watch so I’m not waiting an hour for it to load. Slightly frustrating but doable. Loving my AirPods- I can watch my Apple TV with them on even if my sister has her tv on in her room. Yes music and watching tv shows from iTunes and reading and listening to audiobooks are my pass times lol.
I know it’s a mental illness and I was born with my Cerebral Palsy but **** I hate having to live and deal daily with my depression and Cerebral Palsy!!!!!!!
I’m not one to keep journals anymore- been told that having something to look back onto doesn’t help. I used to write heaps over the years but not anymore my thoughts get to dark on paper and then it’s like, is that what I’m really thinking/feeling?!!!!! And then I can never get out of that ****ing headspace!!!!
I know I’m functioning and that having depression or Cerebral Palsy doesn’t define me. Been told that heaps of ****ing times. Doesn’t always make a difference though. Can make things worse at the time.
I know you’re busy up to you if you want to reply or not. As usual turned out longer than I realised.
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