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Old 26-02-2019, 05:49 AM   #1161
Juella
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I'm sorry, I don't have the right words to make it all better or any good advice that you haven't probably heard a gazillion times before. I just wanted to tell you I hear you, I understand and I'm sorry everything sucks for you so much at the moment.



Is there anything you can think of that could possibly make things better, even if it's something unrealistic?

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Old 26-02-2019, 06:37 PM   #1162
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Thank you.

Unrealistically things would be easier if my brother was doing well and had good supportive relationships and if it was guaranteed that I won't ever be pushed into something I don't feel able to do, like work, in the future. For slight pain relief and satisfaction good self harm would be useful, and the ability to easily take tablets so I could overdose. Supportive people available most of the time when I need them.

I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow but likely won't get much from it. I am grateful that I have an appointment with her though. How do I clearly say that no life things are helping and I somehow need some pain relief or I need help to die? This isn't sadness or struggling, it's all negative emotions hugely magnified but most people can't fully understand that because they can only relate to a 'normal' emotional range. Life is just one big fight with death at the end of it so why fight? I don't want to be safe from myself, I'm sick of barriers preventing me from killing myself. I do not want any more of this torture.

People might say to me, how do you know I'm not hearing you? What would I have to do that would make you feel heard? I think the answer is that when I'm explaining things to people I don't even fully hear it myself so how could they? Also, I am basically saying there is no hope so no one can even do anything anyway unless they're willing to help me to die.

I think I need to get on with killing myself very soon. Push through the anxiety. This has to end. Just do it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-02-2019, 08:07 AM   #1163
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Let's imagine that your brother is doing well, and you somehow feel reassured that you aren't going to be pushed into things that you don't feel able to do. What would change in your life then?


I think telling your CPN "Nothing we do seem to help at all and I don't feel able to deal with the pain I feel" would suffice in explaining what you're going through, and I hope you would be able to say it today, and get some input.



I know the feeling of trying to explain to others what you feel and it coming out all wrong and feeling like you explained nothing. But sometimes, surprisingly, people can hear you when even you don't hear yourself. I don't know how, but it's possible and it happened to me when I tried to explain some feelings and thoughts that weren't normal, even to people who aren't mental health professionals. It is possible that you will be heard, and it is possible that you will be helped.

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Old 27-02-2019, 03:14 PM   #1164
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Thanks for your reply. I had a horrible night. I managed to get through to the Breathing Space web chat because I had decided to kill myself soon after seeing my CPN but I thought that it was important to get through the night to make it to see my CPN. I felt worse at the end of the conversation and like I just needed to get suicide done that night. I didn't, obviously. I saw my CPN today and cried most of the way through the appointment. I am sure that suicide is the only answer and I am upset that I might be trapped feeling this pain. I pretty much kept repeating the same general things about too much pain and please don't let me be trapped here. It is a trap, life, I am terrified of that. I don't know how to explain how awful it feels for my body to continue living. My CPN asked if an admission to hospital would be helpful and I said no, nothing in life will help. She suggested I have some contact with the informal crisis team but I said no again. She said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do but that she doesn't want to just have to say goodbye to me and she thinks crisis support is needed right now even if it doesn't help anything.

She arranged to see me again on Friday, an hour before she's even due in work so she's using her own time. She said that's how important this is to her. I really just want to let go because this pain is way too much. I eventually agreed to having crisis support and then see my CPN again on Friday. Part of me is thinking hospital would have been a better plan but I know it wouldn't help, it would just mean I wasn't alone. I'll likely get through the next couple of days anyway. There is no pain relief. I'm tired and I want out. This is never-ending as long as I continue to live.

(In response to what would change if I didn't have to worry about my brother or future pressures - there would be less external stuff threatening to blow up my pain massively).





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-02-2019, 08:59 AM   #1165
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I’m glad that your CPN has reaffirmed how much she cares about you. With regards the crisi team and hosp I know you believe it won’t make things better but do you really think it would make things worse? And if it won’t make things wors there is a chance however small that it might make things a little better.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 28-02-2019, 03:09 PM   #1166
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I agree with Katy. If there ever was a time for an admission, i think this is it.

I know you probably don't believe me but this world would be a worse place without you in it, Lindsay. And they are listening to you now, they want to help you. Please let them. Allow yourself this opportunity for some respite.

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Old 28-02-2019, 04:12 PM   #1167
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Thank you both.

I'm still alive at this point so I'm thinking an admission won't be necessary. Especially if I see my CPN tomorrow I couldn't request an admission because I've been safe over these past couple of days so obviously didn't need an admission to get through them so I won't need one now. I did speak to the crisis team last night and they have made a plan to phone me again tonight and tomorrow and see where we go from there. I really hate phone calls and can't actually be bothered with one tonight as ungrateful as that is.

I made it to the gym group today, another piece of evidence that I am actually ok and just exaggerating. I felt at the end of the group that I wish I would just get on with suicide but yet again I am currently alive. There's nothing anyone can do for me, I'm likely to be safe so that doesn't require input. I wish someone would help me die.

I'll see my CPN tomorrow and she'll think she has wasted her time because I'll be fine. I'm always fine. I keep going so that's all that is needed. I just wish I could die, so badly. Or at least have some pain relief. I'm absolutely trapped here. So terrified. I know I keep saying it.

There is no respite, and hospital would be more of a pain than respite I think.

I have no idea what to do, I just know that I don't want to keep going through this any more. Please someone let me out.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-02-2019, 04:30 PM   #1168
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OMG what the hell am I going to do?

TRAPPED!

Fuck. (sorry).





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-03-2019, 10:13 AM   #1169
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How are you now? Did you get through yesterday ok? I know I don't often reply but I am thinking of you.

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Old 01-03-2019, 12:30 PM   #1170
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I think, as horrible as it sounds, that in order to break free form this you'll have to do something that scares you and feels really uncomfortable. Iknow it's not easy to even remotely contemplate to do something that is both hard and scary but my fear is that if you continue like this then it will eventually be the death of you. It is easy for me to say it and if i could do it for you, i absolutely would. Sometimes when we get stuck we need to take a chance, do something risky, just to remind ourselves that we are able to do that and that we are willing to open up another door even if what it might reveal can be scary to think about.

Is there something you've wanted to do for a while???? Something that sparks just a teeny bit of excitement in you???? For now, it doesn't matter how 8mpossible it will be to make it come true, i just want you to allow yourself a chance to dream.

I do believe your life can improve. I wish so much that they would actually find someone who couldwork with you and guide you along this path of feeling better because you need it and you deserve it. I wish you could see yourself in the way that we all see you. I really hope some day you'll be closer to realising just how important you really are.

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Old 01-03-2019, 05:48 PM   #1171
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I just want to say that Zurg speaks very very wise words and that I couldn't agree more.

You're fantastic, Lindsay. I really wish you could see that. <3

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Old 02-03-2019, 03:03 PM   #1172
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Thank you. You are all being incredibly kind, thank you.

I saw my CPN yesterday and she said it looks like I've regained some of my strength, which I'd say is sort of true - I wasn't completely breaking down with her. I'm not in as crippling emotional pain at the moment. Crisis phone calls are being cut down a bit because they just make me more anxious. My CPN is off for training next week but she has arranged for me to see another CPN that I know. I kind of feel like a fraud. I apologised to my CPN and said I'm still alive so I obviously didn't need any support, she said I did need support and I was very distressed when she saw me. I'm a bit embarrassed about all the tears and begging not to be trapped here. I am scared of life.

There really, honestly, is nothing that I want to do/try/experience. I have no big dreams or small dreams or things that I love doing. I do like the gym group though and I try to get there as much as I can. My CPN has suggested meeting up with the people when it's not the group but it would be awkward if it was one to one and I don't even know how to ask if people want to meet up because they might feel like they have to say yes even if it's not what they want. Plus I stopped going to the gym with a couple of the people the day before the group because I then found it difficult to go to the group too so they might think, why should they meet up with me if I've stopped that? I am avoiding people as much as possible, I know. I know I should try and be more social and see if I can build up my confidence with that. When my friend lived here and she was well I saw her quite regularly and enjoyed it sometimes. Then she became really mentally unwell and was horrible to me and now she lives in England so I haven't had practice at socialising for a while.

My CPN thinks it would be difficult but not impossible for me to let go of some of my brother's pain and the worlds pain. I'm not sure if it is right for me to even try though. We spoke about how I am there for people and how I want people to be honest with me about how they're doing but then I'm not honest with them. She said I'm a sponge, that I absorb peoples problems. She was a bit like wtf when I told her that I have even got caught up with things like sadness/worry about birds because they feel they have to fly away when people walk past. I just care about people and things so much, I want to help if I can. Someone I met in hospital texts me regularly, she's in hospital just now in an area away from her family and she's not allowed out often so I have been supporting her via text and sending her books and colouring sheets etc. Today I got a card through the post from her thanking me for being a great friend. It was nice. I AM a nice person, sort of, but I want to bash myself when I acknowledge ok things about me. It's not supposed to be about me, it's about other people getting the care and support they need.

Anyway. Ramble.

Thank you for putting up with me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-03-2019, 03:06 PM   #1173
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Actually:

HOW DARE YOU CONSIDER ANYTHING GOOD FOR YOU WHEN THINGS AREN'T GOOD FOR YOUR BROTHER!

Selfish bitch.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-03-2019, 08:30 PM   #1174
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I can relate in a sense as i have a mentally handicapped brother whom i have always helped to take care of. I'm struggling a lot sometimes with the feeling of being responsible for his well being even though he lives in an institution where they take care of him. My psychologist and i have discussed it numerous times and she has tried very hard to make me understand that the only person i am responsible for in this world is myself. That is really, really hard to grasp and i fail to do so a lot of the time but i wanted to tell you the same thing, your brother is not your responsibility. Even if it feels like he is, he really isn't. If you want to help him it is important that you help yourself just as much.

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Old 04-03-2019, 06:56 PM   #1175
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Thank you. I don't think all of it is about me feeling responsible though. I just care about him lots so obviously don't want him to be suffering and I think about what I go through and worry that he might feel the same now or in the future. I wish there was something I could do and the lack of things I can do is scary, most of it is up to him.

I had a quick appointment with another CPN this morning. It was quick because I'm doing ok-ish, just feeling fragile and trying to hold on so tightly to the ok feeling. People keep asking me what triggers things and what has changed when I feel better but, although of course external things have an effect, a lot of the time it feels very internal and out of my control. I am a hostage who has to experience whatever level of emotional pain is decided by 'something else'/my body/whatever. It's scary and I am dreading the next terrible point which will 100% happen. The CPN asked if I wanted to see someone else this week but I said I'll be ok. She said I can phone if I change my mind and someone will see me or I could phone just to talk too. People are being so supportive. It still takes big outward expressions to get increased support though. I think if I had felt the same way with my CPN on Wednesday but hadn't cried hysterically I wouldn't have gotten extra support. I can't always express things outwardly.

One of my friends who has DID and is MH rehab has been sent a questionnaire to assess her fitness for work. If they think she needs to explain herself then what hope is there for me? I can't avoid future stress if I am alive.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-03-2019, 06:22 PM   #1176
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I'm sad and kind of lonely but not for friendship just for a supportive person.

I am very close to being 3 weeks self harm free which is the longest I've managed in a long time. It's not an achievement though, I just can't seem to do it well. I don't want to have to accept this change in my self harming pattern, I don't want to think that maybe I will never be able to damage myself well enough again.

I also don't want to think that maybe I will never be able to kill myself. People say to accept that and try and find ways of making life better. That's not possible. Don't make me be trapped here. Please.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-03-2019, 06:59 PM   #1177
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There is a thing on the TV about a train station I use. I remember being there when there were signs saying filming was going on. I don't know if I ever saw anyone actively filming when I was there but from the programme it looks like they had static cameras too. I am absolutely terrified that I will be on the show. I couldn't focus on what the people were saying because I was trying to focus on the people walking past etc in case I had been caught. There are six episodes. There is nothing I can do if I'm on it and it's obvious that it's me. If it is a horrible view of me then people will see that and it is in a form that can't be deleted. I am worried. There are too many recording things now - I worry about being caught in the background of peoples videos or photos or someone deliberately taking a picture or video of me, dash cams, CCTV. People will look at me and laugh and say bad things.

Not connected but, I really want to be able to kill myself. Give me a push.

I even just want to self harm but:

I'm 3 weeks self harm free.

I can't let anything out and I can't control my get out of life. I am absolutely trapped.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-03-2019, 06:46 PM   #1178
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There was a guy on the bus today taking photos with a disposable camera. He was near the back (quite close to me I think) and he took at least one photo in the direction of the front of the bus because I saw the flash. I think most of them were of the front of the bus including the people because someone else commented on it to the person they were with. I'm very worried that he will have a picture of me even though it would just be the back of me.

I'm also worried about what health issues I might get in the future. I've never really thought about getting additional issues much, just accepted what I have now as if it's like a shoe size so it remains fixed once you've grown into it. I find it hard to cope with things as they are now and there are some terrible illnesses and disabilities that could be in my future. Humans are just broken.

And here we go with being trapped again. I am too still and contained, I miss self harm and overdosing and risky behaviour.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-03-2019, 06:31 PM   #1179
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I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow. It's going to be pointless and a waste of her time but I don't want to be left on my own with things. I can't see a way to move forward but people aren't just going to be there for me, they all have expectations. I'm tired of fighting through life. It isn't worth it at all.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-03-2019, 06:55 PM   #1180
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I don't think it'll be pointless or a waste of time if it means you're not dealing with things on your own.

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