Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 26-03-2018, 08:43 PM   #741
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I have a sort of plan if I can keep myself awake long enough and if things work out the way I need them to. I have no idea if the external factors I need to do this will pan out. If I don't die then that's ok, I can keep trying to find different ways. I see no other suicide option right now. I want to get it right, for my brother's sake, but I need to try even though I'm unsure about what the outcome might be.

I did try to phone the informal crisis team because I'm hurting and I wanted to talk. It sounded like they were out of the office so I hung up although I probably would have hung up if they were in the office too. They finish at 10, they can't do anything anyway because they're not nurses or anything. The CMHT crisis team finished at 6.30pm. I do not want to be told I need to go to A&E for an assessment. No admission, no talking out of things, just my death. I'm posting here to get things out and because I am completely rubbish at phone calls. I really need to make this work. I'm fucked. I don't care if this crisis point will pass, I don't want to face another one.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26-03-2018, 08:52 PM   #742
tamobhuuta
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
I am currently:

I am so sorry you're feeling like this. Please rethink your plans. You deserve to feel better than this.

tamobhuuta is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 26-03-2018, 09:54 PM   #743
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you. I spoke to the informal crisis team. They wanted to phone NHS 24 but luckily they didn't. I don't want to spend hours in A&E when it takes less time to kill myself. They did a lot of guilt tripping and telling me I should be grateful for the things I have that other people don't. I've to get a phone call from them each night for the rest of the week. I still just want to die. They think that tomorrow I will have a different mindset but it always comes back to being suicidal. What is stopping me from carrying out my plan, at this point, is that I wouldn't be able to start the process for at least 2 more hours and I don't know how to occupy myself until then so I'll probably just go to bed. I hate myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-03-2018, 02:02 AM   #744
tamobhuuta
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
I am currently:

How was Monday?

tamobhuuta is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 27-03-2018, 02:43 PM   #745
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Did you mean that for someone else?

No mindset change, unsurprisingly. I'm almost completely sure that I need to kill myself, I think there will always be a small amount of doubt. I keep on going so people think I'm fine. The person on crisis yesterday said that because I had been to the shops I was deciding I was going to live. That's not what it meant to me, I carry on with things to avoid as much boredom, hunger, tiredness, etc as possible because adding those feelings on top of everything else that is going on would be beyond unbearable. Also, it was like she was saying if someone decides to live in the morning they can't change their mind during the day.

I wish I could overdose or self harm to get away from things at least. I could live if I was in an almost constant state of feeling out of it. I am really, really trapped. Talking is not going to help. I want to do this, for me, forget about other people for a change. Life is too painful and I say it over and over again, it is never going away.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-03-2018, 03:38 PM   #746
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I don't know what to do. I have researched a method I can try at home, very tempted to do it but don't want to get it wrong and stay alive but physically disabled. Very, very triggered to try it. I don't know who I'm supposed to get in touch with. My CPN will probably be busy, I think in this case my previous CPN has told me to phone the CMHT crisis team but I can't be bothered with all the fuss. No one cares anyway or believes that I will ever complete suicide. I'm too tired to go through assessments etc, and the limited options of support that are out there aren't going to help me. I keep reaching out because I'm hurting and I want it to stop and because I don't want to be alone with my feelings and thoughts. Life is torture.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-03-2018, 08:48 PM   #747
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Tried it, panicked at physical sensations. Phoned to see if my CPN was about but she's still on holiday. The informal crisis team phoned me as arranged, they want to do a recovery action plan thing with me. I'm not really wanting to try anything. One of my friends mentioned that this might be the time for me to have a planned short admission to hospital as is in my treatment plan but I'm reluctant to ask for it since I'm still alive for now in the community. I usually end up being admitted after doing something risky that requires me to be seen in A&E but that hasn't happened yet. I'm worried that I'd be judged badly if I asked about admission especially since my other friend has not long been discharged from hospital and I can imagine my psychiatrist thinking that I just want to go into hospital for 'my turn' now that she isn't there. People will want to keep me at home anyway, naturally, I just don't see much helping in the community because I keep getting to points where I need immediate support and I'm too scared to phone people or there is no one around to talk to on the phone.

Hospital would cause a lot of problems though, so I'm fine staying at home. I honestly don't care if I end up killing myself the only thing I want help for until I get to the point of completed suicide is dealing with my emotional agony. I turned to self harm but knew it wouldn't help. At least I managed to do it a bit. So low.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28-03-2018, 04:41 PM   #748
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I'm feeling very alone and unheard. Very hopeless. I'm just glad I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow although the appointment will come and go quickly. I didn't make it to the gardening thing today, just can't face much, lots of things feel threatening to me and although that may seem like a powerful word I think it is the word that describes things for me. Life is too hard.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28-03-2018, 06:30 PM   #749
Eska
 
Eska's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
I am currently:

I'm sorry I don't have many words but I'm here and I'm listening.





It's a long way down
On this rollercoaster.



Eska is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 28-03-2018, 07:14 PM   #750
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thanks Eska.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28-03-2018, 08:25 PM   #751
tamobhuuta
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
I am currently:

I hope your appointment goes ok . Sending hugs.

tamobhuuta is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 30-03-2018, 06:35 PM   #752
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I'm somewhat emerging from this, although I say this with little confidence since things are completely all over the place and one little trigger and I'll be off again. Don't think I can ever truly say that I'm having an ok day.

It was good to see my CPN, she has arranged for me to see her again on Tuesday which I feel quite guilty about for taking up more of her time but she said she's happy to see me and she thinks I need the support right now. The informal crisis team came out last night to do some practical worksheets with me but it just really upset me because it seemed to show that there is no solution for the main things that get me down.

I really need to see if I can work out a way to avoid things escalating when I'm triggered. Seems impossible.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31-03-2018, 04:12 PM   #753
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

(No, no, no, do not fall apart again).





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31-03-2018, 08:15 PM   #754
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

There is seriously actually no getting through anything and remaining ok for a while. Sick of coming back to this pain. Repeat.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-04-2018, 03:51 AM   #755
MunchBox
I threw my pie for you.
 
MunchBox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
I am currently:

I hope your appointment with your CPN goes well.

Lindsay, I'm so sorry you're not doing good, what I know is you're a good, kind and caring person who deserves support. Even if you saw your CPN the week after, you'd still deserve that. I hope you get through this.

Thinking of you, Lindsay.



Sweetpea


MunchBox is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2018, 07:31 PM   #756
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you for your kindness Mary, I appreciate your reply and your thoughts.

I found my appointment with my CPN useful, not in a moving forward way but sort of a bit of a reassuring way. She said to do as little or as much as I need to right now to look after myself and stay safe. She said I don't have to go to the gardening thing if it's causing me anxiety and dread. I don't know if it's fair that I get to avoid things that I don't like when other people have to face up to so much. She said she'll always support me (minus decisions to kill myself) and won't force me into anything. I mentioned that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at the end of the month and I feel like he puts a lot of pressure on me. She said it's because everyone sees my potential and what I have achieved in the past, she wrote the date in her diary so she might be there to support me or talk to him beforehand. She did say that my psychiatrist said he looked over my notes and saw that when I was doing peer support work I absorbed everyone's problems which made me very unwell so we have to be careful.

My CPN asked when I'd like an appointment with her again and I said 2 weeks is fine. I think she thought I should see her again next week but she went with it and said to phone if I need to talk or I want to arrange an appointment in between. I don't deserve her support. It may not last for much longer anyway, she'll get annoyed at my lack of progress and tell me to get on with things. Or she'll change area or something and pass me on to someone else or discharge me completely. I can't help but worry.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2018, 08:15 PM   #757
Sketchy
 
Sketchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Scotland
I am currently:

So sorry I haven’t been on line much.

I promise, you do deserve support. It’s always ok to ask for help and I hope you can talk to your cpn.

I don’t have much useful advice, but I have hugs and I want you to know I’m here for you. Please stay safe and take care.





Sketchy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2018, 08:33 PM   #758
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thanks Lorraine, I have missed your presence but it's fine for you to have a life outside of here you know!





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2018, 08:58 PM   #759
Sketchy
 
Sketchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Scotland
I am currently:

I’ll be around more often, so please know that I’m here for you. Take care.





Sketchy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 06:45 PM   #760
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I can't do this. I can't do anything. My life is mostly full of time on my own and I can't think of activities that I'd enjoy. My CPN was telling me about things she'd like to do but I can honestly say there is nothing that I'd like to try in life. My friend who was in hospital is already managing her flat move, exercise classes, volunteering, socialising, and she's not that long out of hospital yet here I am achieving nothing. Everyone is going to be so annoyed with me and start pushing me. I can't even imagine ever looking forward to things and being able to cope with bigger things and have a fulfilling life. My life is empty and pointless and I can't seem to manage anything additional. I don't know why I had to be born. I know I have been there for my family to look after them but someone else would have done it if I didn't exist. My CPN keeps telling me she wants me to do things that I enjoy, but there is nothing. I don't want life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is OFF
Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:14 PM.

Back to top