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Old 02-03-2020, 08:16 PM   #1
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Contains abuse - Also trigger warning for self harm .considering estranging myself from my mother

Warning this might get long.

My mother is the reason I started hurting myself.

I think I have stopped harming now but I am still hurt by how she rested me.

Sometimes she would show love other times she was vile I don't think I will ever get over it as such but I've healed as best I can . She used to say she wished me and my siblings had never been born and stuff like that.

Shed manipulate u into thinking u where in the wrong or that it was Ur fault. She gives love but then stabs u in the back it's so confusing I used to separate into good mummy n bad mummy when I was little I still struggle with her now even tho she's mostly being all nice.

I know people have it worse but my relationship with her and the way my childhood was because of her is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. My siblings remember her the same way I do but are still having her in their lives youngest sibling is yet to turn 18 so still lives with my parents I'm considering estranging myself from my mum and possibly dad after she turns 18 there's not long now untill that happens just a matter of weeks .

Thing is I have grown as a person my mental health is in a very good place and as my friends n siblings remind me I'm nothing like my mother .

I am planning on having children of my own soon we'll I'm saving for fertility treatment I should start actually trying in a year. I've already got a friend who is happy to take care of the child I should hopefully have should anything happen to me .

But I will need I feel to distance myself from my mother as I want her to have nothing to do with my child for my child's sake more than anything.

I know that making that decision will be hard on the rest of the family as they don't know what my mum can be like . I don't want to cause anyone pain but I think I need to do this to protect myself any children I have in the future and I am hoping to not estrange myself from the whole family or keep in touch with siblings and I hope grandparents too.

I'm just not sure how to go about it but I need to find out occasionally they lend me money but I am becoming better at not relying on them for that and they drive me places when they come down and visit me and I go up and visit them but it makes my mental health worse after seeing them . My question basically is how do I detach myself from her and still stay in contact with my siblings?

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Old 06-03-2020, 07:14 PM   #2
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Sorry to hear that things have been so difficult with your mother.

If you do want to completely separate from her, I think a good first step would be to talk about it to your siblings to let them know and work out how your relationship with them would continue. That is of course, if you feel like you can trust them to not then pass it straight on to your mum before you're ready.

Also, how about a gradual separation- maybe as a first step you could stop lending money from them and reduce visits?



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Old 07-03-2020, 09:06 PM   #3
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Thanks so much for Ur reply at the moment I've had to be back in contact with my mum about my sister who keeps having to go to hospital with athsma

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Old 07-03-2020, 09:10 PM   #4
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Im hoping to stop borrowing like now .I've started using my savings account coz I'm saving up for something big and trying to manage my money better so I can do so.
Reducing visits could work but id see my sister who still lives at home less often

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Old 07-03-2020, 09:55 PM   #5
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How does your sister feel about your parents? Does she also have negative experiences? Perhaps she would agree to meet up with you on a regular basis somewhere that isn't the family home.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 07-03-2020, 11:52 PM   #6
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Youngest two struggle with her too.they hav also had negative experiences . I have my own place they know they are welcome to visit the youngest does visit so that's good. The second youngest wants to visit.

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Old 08-03-2020, 09:43 AM   #7
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OK, that sounds as though you will be able to maintain your relationship with your siblings even if you stop interacting with your parents. That's a positive start.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 25-03-2020, 08:03 PM   #8
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First of all I want to say your decision is very brave and I think it sounds like the right decision for you. I wish I was brave enough to have done the same before I had children! I agree that it's important to keep the lines of communication open with your siblings. As they 've got similar views of your mother it sounds like they will probably understand your decision. Hopefully they'll be able to view visits to you as a place of respite. As your younger siblings are old enough to go out on their own you could always suggest meeting up for dinner/cinema etc. or a day outing of some sort (coronavirus restrictions allowing!)

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Old 26-03-2020, 07:51 AM   #9
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Thanks so much I'm not sure I am brave I'm starting to have second thoughts and doubt myself if I'm honest. It's a struggle.

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Old 28-03-2020, 09:38 AM   #10
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Hi Koala,

I have first hand experience of growing up with abuse and eventually need up completely estranging myself from that person; so I know what you're going through.
I understand how hard it is to even contemplate this, so if you ever feel you need to talk, I'm always here.

I'm an only child, so my difference in situation is that I don't have to worry about siblings and how to approach them regarding this.
Would they support your decision?



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Old 30-03-2020, 12:13 AM   #11
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hey ophiuchus thanks so much for the offer i will more than likely pm u at sum point . i think at least two of the three wud support me the third one has spent her some of her teens and all of her twentys so far in the mental hospital so not sure she gets what mum can b like bcoz mum has to b nice to her coz shes in hospital complicated f' d up family dynamic but ultimatly we sisters stick by each other and love each other , its not the right timing yet for me to estrange myself but i will do i hope wen the time is right. im off to bed will try n check back tomorrow

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Old 30-03-2020, 04:33 PM   #12
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You're welcome to, whenever you need to.

How are you feeling today?
I know what you mean about timing, it's a tricky thing to do.



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Old 30-03-2020, 05:23 PM   #13
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hey today is a bad day so was yesterday , i have been getting alot of texts off mum so ive had to tell her im too busy for replying to her texts this week then ignore her response asking what i was up to kinda feels like a wobbly walk on a tightrope trying to avoid lying whilst getting her to basically leave me alone it s doin my head in to be honest. i know right bl**dy carona virus just want to rip it off like a plaster but i cant and im feeling really wound up about it all. she is driving me to distraction and i just want her out of my head i wish i cud wash her outta my brain . sorry its not a happier response mind u at least on here i can b honest and she seems to have stopped texting after the last text from her that i ignored

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Old 30-03-2020, 05:37 PM   #14
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No need to apologise at all - it's what we're here for!

I remember that tightrope feeling so well and the "I'm busy right now, I'll reply when I can" messages that got about a dozen replies afterwards, too. It's such a headache, I never understood why people cannot respect boundaries when they're set?

I don't know if this would be something you feel up to doing, but could you mute her messages for a while so you don't get the notifications from her? That way you get a bit of peace until you're ready to respond. Does that make sense?



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Old 30-03-2020, 05:46 PM   #15
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not sure if its possible to mute her on texts but will hav a play around on my mobile and see whats possible . thankfully ive not heard anything in hrs which is good . the whole thing sucks and i cant get a response back from my little sis so im worried about her but id have heard from mum or dad if she was in hospital or something so i probably shudnt b too worried. i just want the whole thing over now

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Old 30-03-2020, 05:50 PM   #16
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I know what you mean, lovely.

Hmm, trying to think how to do that - what kind of phone do you have? I know one of doing it is just outright blocking the number, but that will likely feel a massive step and not something you're wanting to do right now.

It's either that or just putting your phone on silent, but then you'd miss things from people you *want* to hear from!



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Old 30-03-2020, 06:05 PM   #17
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lol ophiuchus ive just blocked her think it might b possible to unblock but not sure how not sure i mind right now anyway harsh as that may sound . she still has my landline number tho and dad has my email address so they can still contact me im just hoping they wont my phone is a nokia 2.2 its not the greatest phone out there but its ok for me works reliably and can in theory go three days between charges altho mine never does as its constantly on youtube unless i have my mp3 plugged in but i havent got all my music on that yet. if u know anything about the phone ive got tho cud u tell me why icant get the memory card to fit and why it snapped in the slot as i dont really know what to do about it it buzzes every two hrs day and night to tell me it doesnt have enuff memory and u cant turn it off that notification only snooze it for two hrs

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Old 30-03-2020, 07:29 PM   #18
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Let me have a look around and see if I can help you figure out what's going on there.

Has the memory card literally snapped off inside the slot?



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Old 30-03-2020, 07:40 PM   #19
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yep id take a photo but i only have the camera on my phone. i cud probably pull whats left of it out but i was hoping half a memory card wud b enuff to get rid of the annoying notifications it was a 128gb card as well not too happy about it expensive little thing to break lol

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Old 31-03-2020, 10:30 AM   #20
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Ooh, that is an expensive one!!
Phone is probably having a little temper tantrum about it being broken which is possibly why you're getting the notification every so often. I'd definitely try and get the rest of it out if you're able to. Did you have much stored on there?



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