Old bondage kink causing depression, please help
Hey there, im new to this and need help. This is my first post like this so sorry if its in the wrong place I just need advice.
When I was younger I had a fascination with bondage, not practicing, after a friend introduced me to a web comic based on the lifestyle and would watch non-sexual videos based around the acts. Unlike some people I have seen on some forums I have had no history of abuse against me and no reasoning as to why it became *appealing*. I havn't had an easy life, I havnt seen my father since I was 6, my mum has been an alcoholic since before I can remember and I was bullied since I started school till the age of 18. After a while I stopped as I began to feel that there was something wrong and began to become depressed with what I had been doing.
I honestly don't know why I was interested or why I turned to it, it seemed to help with my feelings of loneliness but it sounds silly now, It has made me feel further from others now.
It has been years since I have gone anywhere near it and have entered into a relationship with an amazing woman. As I wish to spend my life with her I have told her everything in my past, including my bouts with depression and these events. Its now something that has come between us due to the fact I cannot explain it. She has been as understanding as anyone could be but it is difficult as I cannot understand the reasons behind it in the first place.
I need to understand if anyone else has had the same or similar experiences. I need to understand whats happened in my brain that I am missing that lead to this. I need help from anyone willing to offer it, what possible reasons could be behind my initial interest. I am never returning to it but if I don't understand it I could lose the best thing thats ever happened to me.