(My mom sent me a text that said "Your dads birthday is friday. He said he has cancer of the liver. That's all I know." My mom doesn't understand that there are some things you shouldn't text...)
I've never been close with him. He hasn't called me once since I've been at university (this is my third year). I don't remember the last time he called, it's been years and years. I've never seen him sober (other than for court). He was abusive when I did live with him.
He thinks I hate him. But, I don't hate him.
I mean, yeah I think he was a really shitty father. I don't like who he is or the things he does. Nevertheless, he is my biological dad.
He's not going to make an effort to talk to me, so I'd have to make the effort to try to talk to him.
I just don't even know how to go about starting a conversation with him. I don't even have his phone number at this point.
Sometimes, you have to try more than once.
Alice came to a fork in the road
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "It doesn't matter."
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. I know you say your relationship is, well, complicated, but still, it's a massive blow.
You say you don't necessarily want a relationship with him, but when you say you want him to know you don't hate him, it kinda seems like there's stuff you want to get off your chest? How about a letter? It means the pressures off, you can take the time to check the content and think about what you want to say, make sure it comes across well etc, but also, it means he has the return address so the possibility of a dialogue is there. And if he doesn't reply, you've still said what you needed to say?