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Old 02-04-2020, 07:10 PM   #261
Cacoethes
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It does help just to talk here about things I can't talk to the staff about.
Or when I need encouragement to talk to staff.
I don't know what else could help
Nothing seems to be changing
Just getting more desperate
I can't say what I cut my wrist with the other day but it was a very expensive item that I broke (really hope that isn't against the rules)
I'm just so desperate at the moment



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 02-04-2020, 07:40 PM   #262
Auror.
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I don't *think* that is against the rules to say. I'm not a mod though!

I'm sorry things are so sucky and you feel so awful. My friend always reminds me that even though things feel like they might have been in the past, that they are not always the same. Even the smallest situational thing can feel or be different, and the outcome can also still be different. Is there anything you can use to remind yourself more of the present?



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 02-04-2020, 08:44 PM   #263
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Some thoughts:

1. *hugs* and you are always welcome to talk to us.

2. Pretty much the whole world is feeling very unsettled right now, and that's especially true for people in healthcare settings. Do you think it's possible you're picking up on the tension and uncertainty in the atmosphere and that's part of what's making this admission harder than others have been? If so, I imagine the best thing is to have as much compassion for yourself as you can. Say to yourself that yes, this is difficult and scary and overwhelming, and that's a reasonable way to feel. You've dealt with normal periods in hospital before and done well and got better, and the fact that this time feels different just now isn't a reflection on you. It's a reflection of the fact that there's more to handle right now, so of course it's going to feel harder. Struggling is allowed.

3. Can you try to focus on doing some small good things? They might be really tiny - like saying a special thank you to a member of staff, or writing someone a nice note, or anything? It seems to me that one of the best things anyone can do at the moment is spread kindness, and maybe it would help you fight against the "everything is bad and wrong" feelings and thoughts, and I promise you it will mean a lot to other people.

4. Are there ways you can think of that help you vent and get out frustration? I bet there are tons of ideas out there, maybe there are some that would work for you and that might take the edge off the irritation and anger. (If you do manage to take the edge off, it may well be that you wind up feeling sad and upset. That's allowed too.)

5. I agree with Lindsay that the pandemic will not end if you die, it would just be another loss.

I hope you feel less terrible soon <3





It's a long way down
On this rollercoaster.



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Old 02-04-2020, 09:49 PM   #264
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Thank you both

I try to look at pictures of Jasmine to help me stay alive but it doesn't completely help because I want to save the world for her. But I also want to be here for her and watch her grow up etc.
It's so fucking hard

It could be possible I'm picking up on the tension. Everyone is very unsure about where they will be going and when.

Sorry I haven't addressed everything in your posts. I have read them completely but finding it hard to respond to everything



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 02-04-2020, 10:09 PM   #265
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I personally think it's allowed to be selfish and stay alive for Jasmine.

You don't have to respond to everything. I hope you can at least have a quiet, incident free evening and get some sleep tonight.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 03-04-2020, 01:23 PM   #266
one_step_closer
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How are things today Beckie? (You don't have to reply if you don't want to).





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-04-2020, 01:56 PM   #267
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Thanks for asking

Things are still not good
We are all going to be moving today or tomorrow
I'm not going to the ward with the psych that made me have ECT which is good though.
But I'm also not eating, drinking or taking meds.
If dehydration doesn't kill me then maybe a seizure will
I think I had a seizure last night
I woke up to staff shining a light on me and I was on the floor
I don't know how long I had been down there
They don't do checks very often. Not as often as they're supposed to anyway. Especially not during the night.
I just feel awful in general and I want to hibernate



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 03-04-2020, 05:39 PM   #268
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I hope once you get to the new ward you can settle in and get some rest. At least now you know where you're going and when!



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 03-04-2020, 06:31 PM   #269
Cacoethes
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Thank you
Yes I am glad I know when/where I'll be going now

It's madness here today. Not enough staff and too much to do.
I've been in bed all day but just got up to have a shower so at least I'm clean.



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 03-04-2020, 07:11 PM   #270
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Low on words but sending hugs (if you're okay with them). <3







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Old 03-04-2020, 08:36 PM   #271
Cacoethes
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Thank you
Hugs are always appreciated <3



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 04-04-2020, 10:47 AM   #272
one_step_closer
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Well done for having a shower yesterday, keep trying to do the little things. I hope the move goes well and you can find help to move through this awful time. *more hugs*





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-04-2020, 12:10 PM   #273
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Thank you lindsay <3



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 07-04-2020, 02:30 PM   #274
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Just wondering how you're doing since you've been quiet? It's ok not to reply.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-04-2020, 06:21 PM   #275
Cacoethes
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Thanks for asking lindsay

I'm not sure how I am
Moved wards today. New ward seems fine though I've just been in my room
Things are just hard



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 07-04-2020, 06:23 PM   #276
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Ironically it's probably okay to stay in your room right now! I'm glad you were able to get moved (hopefully) without too much stress. I hope they are able to help figure something out to get you home soon.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 07-04-2020, 07:07 PM   #277
one_step_closer
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Take some time to get used to the new ward. I hope you can settle and they can work out a way forward for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-04-2020, 10:53 PM   #278
Cacoethes
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Yes they recommend we stay in our rooms.
But it's like a furnace in there so I've been in the tv lounge.
Thanks camden

Thanks lindsay
I'm hoping I'll see a consultant this week so I can ask to go home



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 08-04-2020, 09:16 AM   #279
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What do you think they might say about going home? Have any of your difficult feelings changed that people have been worried about? Do you think you would be ok at home?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-04-2020, 11:31 AM   #280
Cacoethes
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I doubt they'll let me go home
The fact that I have to die hasn't changed
I don't know if it's worth lying about again because they'll be wise to that now
Though it is a new doctor so maybe not

I only got a couple of hours sleep last night so I feel awful but I can't sleep



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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