I actually love you. I am SO happy right now. We are doing so welll. And if this continues I willl not need to come back to ryl. It makes me so happy to think that finally, because of you I ready to move on. I love you so muchxxxxxxx
How often until I have to admitt that it's a problem?
I'm sorry, everyone, but just swallowing pills isn't going to fix me. It makes me better, it makes me happy, but it's just covering everything up, and all that stuff is still THERE and I can't be really, honestly better until the stuff GOES AWAY. But I know it won't. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I know it'll just stay there, and we will all just happily ignore it. Fuck.
I wish people knew. In a few days, there will be all these people, and NONE OF THEM KNOW ANYTHING. Everytime I realize this, it makes me feel so fucking alone. Because none of them have any idea about me.
This better be hormonal or something. Some fucking reason for them to come back so badly now. Because this can't be happening again, it can't all be happening again, I don't want to go back there. I want to be okay, I want to be able to be happy, at least from time to time, I don't want it to come back. I don't know what's wrong now, but they're so strong now and fuck, fuck, fuck! It's a physical sensation, almost like an itch and I NEED TO SCRATCH IT! It's all over the places I used to SH. Why is it back? i want it to be gone, I want to be okay, I don't want this to be happening. I want to be okay.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Potentially Triggering
I don't want to go back to hiding and bleeding on the fucking floor and patching myself up in the shower and having a breakdown in my room at night.
I don't want to go back. Because this time, I WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT. This time, there won't be ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Please don't let this happen, please please please please. I want to be okay.
Last edited by Lyn : 05-07-2011 at 01:22 AM.
Reason: Hiding potentially triggering content
The following content has been hidden - Reason : .
Or maybe everything I said earlier in my last post here was rubbish. Maybe I am lazy. What if I'm using my mental health status as a prop on which to avoid doing things? But what about those days where it literally took all the energy I had to get up and walk my dog? The days where just a half-hour of doing anything wore me out? Is that laziness? Is that me allowing myself to not be well? Was I not challenging myself enough? Or was I truly that low?
You know what? I HATE you, depression. Get away from me.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
I hate you all of you that did this to me. You wouldn't believe the nightmares I have and do have. You wouldnt believe what you took from me. You took my childhood my happiness my laugh everything. I hate you. You all made fun of me. You all caused me to bleed and made me feel bad. You all did this to me. You screwed up my life. You made me feel scared. To the one guy that hurt me the most. You broke my heart. You made me trust you then you ignored me. You made me feel beautiful then destroyed me. You can go to hell. I hate your guts. You made me burn myself and cut and you made me do all this to myself. If they ask you will be the one I blame. There will be NO more fingers pointed at me for things that ain't my fault. I hate all of y'all.
Everybody falls sometimes you got to find the strength to rise from the ashes and make a new beginning anyone can feel the ache you think it's more than you can take but you're stronger, stronger than you know.
Would like to drown in a bowl of water right about now! I ust got confirmation that my solicitor is writing to mental health services legal department about my "crap" care. Should I feel bad and guilty? Because I do :(
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - W. Gibson.
I am so ridiculously lucky to have you, and so unbelievably grateful.
I'm trying my hardest to stop being a pathetic useless lazy waste of fecking space, I am, but I just can't get my brain to behave the way it's supposed to/the way I want it to/the way it's expected to by the world and his wife
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
How could you do this to me.... </3 I trusted you... gave you everything I had, Everything I could give... I trusted you! </3 You told me you loved me so how could just leave me... what did I do?! What's so wrong with me?! I trusted you more than anyone else in this world. I chose you over my family... So why am I worht nothing to you overnight! Over the fucking night! </3 I have nothing now. I thought you cared. How could I believe that you loved me though, was I that stupid... You were the only one who noticed when I wasn't eating, when I would freeze up with physical touch, you... you saw me as I was and told me you loved me. Cradled me in your arms when I fell asleep... Everything reminds me of you... </3 Everything... I want to hate you so badly but, but, I... can't... I still love you. It hurts. God it hurts. I don't want to go on like this.... I am numb half of the time and when I'm not it's just pain. You've broken me... You weren't even gently with your words... What did I do to deserve THAT?! Please, just tell me what's so wrong with me....!! </3 </3 </3
I'm scared. As usual. Always scared. Someone make it all go away?
We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult
Oh my hell S. I don't want to do it. Lets just do everything else. I'm leaving soon or I would. Ok, I do want to do it. I'm too busy to do it. We only have a half hour. Let's just do everything else. And although you won't say you don't want to, I know you're not that busy and we're just right back to the beginning.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
AND STOP PRETENDING TO BE BUSY! I'm understanding, I'm not going to be a bitch about it. You have the right to change your mind about it, just like I have the same right. I have someone else to do it with, I don't NEED you. I know you just changed your mind again you're annoying.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Allow me some privacy. You have SO MUCH it's ridiculous. At least allow me this site - the freedom to post here without you looking/checking/stalking. I wish you hadn't seen my screen. I can't trust you to understand the things i have to say here.
i'm so stupid and ugly. i am unwanted and heartbroken. i can't move on from you even though you probably just wish i'd die or something. either that or you don't care or think about me at all. i'm really not sure which one is worse. anyway, i have no clue what to do now. i'm never going to be good enough. i never was. will this be my life forever? being with guys until they find something better and walk away without a second glance while i'm here reliving it forever? i don't think i could stand that. i wish i was worth something so badly. i wish someone actually truly loved me back and didn't leave me. i wish i wasn't so scared of living. i wish someone thought i was beautiful or funny, or wanted to be around me. i wish love was real.
right now i'm terrified.
i love you so much. i never EVER stopped. it hurts so much and i don't care if i seem sad or creepy or whatever the hell. but i really just want you back. that was the only time in my life i was ever truly happy and alive. i hate myself for losing you every single day of my life.
now you've moved on. and i'm the last thing in your mind. i'm that sad stupid girl sitting here crying. debating weather it's better to live without you or get on dying.