im pregnant. thats why i have been angry at you and im sorry because you have nothing to do with it. i really do want to see you and do nothing, i just want a cuddle like you said we would the first time round. i miss you. i love you actually.
So called medical professional - As it turns out. I was pregnant. Thanks for letting me go through that. Thanks for warning me that this was a possibility and the test wasn't just wrong. Thanks for letting me think I was fine, for not preparing me... so that I had to leave work in a dramatic fashion and go to A&E. Great weekend I'm having yeah.
I mean, I'm trying to be reasonable here. I'm guessing you were out, your phone died like you said it was going to, you got wasted and came in late or didn't go home at all... I know I'm not your girlfriend... I know I'm gunna try really hard not to get upset or angry over this. I'm just disappointed. I thought you really cared.
I LOVE you. I do. and you don't love me. This wasn't a problem before, but now it is, because I found out that when you get super drunk, when things are going bad with your girlfriend, you start to think you love me. you're also quite convincing when this happens. so convincing, that it brought all my feelings back to the surface. and damn it boy, i had stuffed them way down deep. your drinking is what fucking screwed this up, so i dont know why im apologizing.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
I worry about you. Fuck, I really do. There is something wrong, dammit, I am not blind or stupid, but I feel like I'm missing something. Talk to me, let people help you. Fuck, I am so scared there is something bad that I'm missing.
Please, let this just be my paranoia, but I don't think it is. I wish you would tell me.
why did I just agree to do something for you?
Why do I think about you everyday and tell no one,
I'm not even sure I like you, just the idea of you....
what you represented, but I shouldn't need that anymore...
I think I just want some closure, but it doesn't work like that does it!
"Grateful to be a little boat, full of water, still floating."
Sometimes I think there's no going back from this. There's only so many times you can 'relapse' before it's not relapse anymore and you're back in your illness for the long run again.
My life's kinda divided between my ED and rational thought at the moment. And being rational is becoming much less frequent. I'm terrified because I know what I turn into when the ED takes over. I know that it's not me anymore, and that everyone I love suffers because of it. And I know you out of everyone will suffer most. And I've hurt you enough already. I don't want to cause you any more pain.
I'm terrified because I know deep down I can't win against this thing inside me. I'm not strong enough. And because I know I'm ready to believe what my head tells me. I always have been.
I'm so confused. I don't want to be sick. But it seems inevitable. And as much as I'm scared shitless of going back there, to being that ill, to not being me; It scares me more to stay the person I am right now. Ugly. Inside and out.
I don't want to be this fat, ugly, worthless, waste of life anymore. I want control back. I want to be beautiful. I want to be worth something.
This is the only way I can try to explain what's in my head. It doesn't cut it really. It doesn't say what I need to. It doesn't tell anyone the truth. It's just the only way I can put this into words.
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪