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Old 15-04-2019, 06:37 PM   #1261
one_step_closer
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My brother is just vulnerable and life hurts everyone. He has had so many traumas and doesn't have any support, he has low self esteem, and he's very obviously depressed and anxious.

I know things would be worse in a way for my brother if I killed myself, and I try hard to hold on for him. It's just that I'm so tired of this struggle and I am terrified of life and being trapped here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-04-2019, 07:27 PM   #1262
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I understand, it is tiring but maybe focus on something positive to hold on to, rather than the negative. Your brother is struggling too but is probably better for having you around, is that a positive thing you could focus on?

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Old 15-04-2019, 07:37 PM   #1263
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I would like to say something useful but I'll send u a hug instead. I really hope you find something positive in your life and I'm also sure your brother is better for having you with him.

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Old 16-04-2019, 01:29 PM   #1264
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Thank you both. It's hard to hold onto any positives because of the negative feelings drowning me. I can see sort of positives but can't feel them.

I had an appointment with my CPN this morning. She said maybe she should try a different approach to how she has been treating me and instead of challenging my negative thoughts/behaviours she will recognise that I can make my own decisions and allow me to do so and accept things (even if it's self harm I choose). She said she has to justify continuing to work with me so goals are always going to be around to move towards. The thing is I really don't believe I can move forward and I don't want my support to end just because I can't achieve lots of stuff. I still need support but everything is always recovery focused and that's actually quite hard for me. I wish someone would be there for me without any expectations of what I should be doing. My CPN said she does think I have made progress and that she's not thinking of discharging me. I guess I am taking up resources that could be better used by someone else. I need to face up to that and let people discharge me. It just hurts to be on my own with things, my CPN is my anchor. There is nothing for people who are isolated and find personal relationships difficult.

I hate that life is full of moving forward pressure, and since I'm using services there is more of a focus on what I'm achieving or not achieving. I sound selfish and lazy, I know. I'm terrified of everything in life and my overwhelming emotions. I'm not equipped to be a human. I feel like my MH problems affect pretty much all aspects of my life but then I'm not psychotic etc so people think I have an easier time and I can control everything. My CPN said that since I don't always use self harm for pain or relief or to feel something etc, but that I just want to damage myself, then that's not my MH that is causing that. So, if I was mentally well I'd still want to cause myself damage? I totally understand that I have a lot of control over my behaviours but I feel like the impact of my mental health problems can sometimes be minimised by other people. I totally sound like I'm trying to say I am the most ill person ever, I'm not saying that, I'm sorry. Life is hard for all humans, I don't think I could deal with life even without MH problems. I am going to have to get on with suicide, just be brave, because I can't keep wasting resources but I also can't deal with life without professional support.

I'm going to be on my own with everything even more than I already am. There is too much pain inside of me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-04-2019, 03:58 PM   #1265
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I'm feeling totally drained by compassion for other people right now, been crying for a while. I know I should now be compassionate towards myself but, nope. I am doing nothing to stop all the bad things that are happening in the world. There is so much heartache that I can't seem to prevent. I am sorry that everyone is hurting. I even just want to be able to let people know that I am sorry about their pain. I have the stress control class this evening so I hope I'll be able to hold things together for the friend I'm going with. I feel sad for the psychologist who is taking the class (my previous psychologist) because he won't have much time for himself this evening, but maybe he likes doing it. All these people who give to other people. So kind. So kind to me too even though I don't deserve it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-04-2019, 04:01 PM   #1266
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You are not responsible for saving the world! You do deserve happiness yourself though.

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Old 16-04-2019, 06:21 PM   #1267
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I hope the class goes ok tonight. Compassion for other people is good but you have to have it for yourself too. It isn't your responsibility to take on everyone else's heartache and fix it. I wish I could do something to make things better for you.

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Old 17-04-2019, 07:01 PM   #1268
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Thank you both.

I left mega early for the stress control class because I felt like I needed to get out. I was going to sit and read but it was busy and I was really anxious so I ended up sitting outside for about an hour. I felt more upset because it reminded me of school (it's at the leisure centre next to the school) and of wishing a teacher would pass and help me and of the parallels of wishing a nurse in hospital would talk to me. Waiting and no one comes. The psychologist taking the class (my previous psychologist) passed and said hi and I felt further upset because it was like I had been waiting for him too and wanted him to see I wasn't ok but he didn't. I couldn't focus much on the class. I felt like when the end came I was going to have to get on with suicide. I wanted to thank the two psychologists for doing the class during their evening so I said it at the end of the class. My previous psychologist said he loves doing it and he said he's incredibly fucking proud of me for coming because he knows it must be hard for me. I think he asked how I am and I said not great and he said 'yet you're here.' I stood there stupidly for a while before saying goodbye. I'm worried that he might have thought I expected a session from him. I was trying especially hard to be quick because it was the evening. I do wish he had noticed how low I am but I'm not his patient any more and it was the end of his working day. I walked home and cried a bit and thought about suicide and self harm and that I probably won't be able to achieve those things so I'm stuck with this pain.

I got home and decided to phone the informal crisis team really only thinking I could say hello and hear a human but not get much else from it. I hung up a couple of times but then managed to talk. The worker persevered with talking to me and it was more helpful than it has been recently. I was thinking about self harming but felt able not to after the call. I just made some repetitive humming noises.

I'm so tired of this fight.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-04-2019, 07:29 PM   #1269
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It's really good you went I can only imagine how hard it must have been. And I'm glad talking to the crisis team helped and you managed not to self harm. Constantly fighting is tough but you keep doing it which is the most important thing.

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Old 17-04-2019, 08:47 PM   #1270
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Well done for phoning and for not self harming.

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Old 17-04-2019, 08:54 PM   #1271
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You should be incredibly fucking proud of yourself as well. And if you aren't, then I am proud for you - for going to the class, talking to the person on the phone and also for not harming.

I also liked what Natsy said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsy2512 View Post
Constantly fighting is tough but you keep doing it which is the most important thing.

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