Today has been rather okay. I am trying to help my friend with packing and getting ready for the move, and it's sad, but I am doing my best to be happy for him and appear cheerful. Tomorrow is going to be hard. It's the last day. I am home alone for the entire weekend because my roommate is out of town partying, and I am tempted with suicidal thoughts, but I am trying to distract. So far I'm managing.
I'm glad yesterday was ok. It sounds like you're trying so hard to be brave through this, when it's clearly an upsetting situation. I hope today goes alright. Can you have plans for over the weekend to stay busy? Lots of distractions? Please take care.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't really know how to stay busy. For the entire week I mostly slept for all the time I was alone. I can't force myself to do anything productive, my mind is in a fog. I feel dumb writing about it, being so upset over such a trivial situation, but I guess this is the way I am. I find it hard to distract because the things I used to do when off work normally somehow feel borderline impossible.
This isn't a trivial situation at all. I understand that it must be hard to stay distracted if you are feeling foggy and have been using sleeping to get by. Are there small things you can do like going out in the fresh air and sitting on a bench somewhere?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That sounds like a nice idea, a least in the morning/afternoon when there are mostly mothers with young children in the park, and not drunk crowds. Thank you for your advice, I'll try to think of other small things to do in my free time. Never though I will regret cancelling my cable service. TV would be useful.
He just left the town. We parted at around midnight, for the last time in my life. He sent me a goodnight text, said he is on a bus and he is going to sleep now. 10 minutes ago. There go 10 years of always being together. I'm ridiculously sad.
I'm sorry. I'm sending you a virtual hug. Saying goodbye is truly one of the hardest things. Have you spoken about keeping in touch??? Will he be back to visit every now and then????
Please don't give up hope though. You can meet someone amazing at some point. There's lots of great people out there. I know it's not much solace right now when the hurt and loneliness are so profound.
I just came to tell you i'm sorry you had to say goodbye to your friend. You do still matter as a human being even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Xxx
Hope you're doing ok. What you're going through hits very close to home for me (as in something that might happen to me soon) so I can imagine how hard this is for you right now. I'm sure you can still keep in touch by text?
Last edited by nonperson : 14-09-2019 at 04:58 PM.
Thank you so much. All of the support is very appreciated. Especially the virtual hug. A hug was very much needed.
Me and my friend did agree to keep in touch. I'm not sure if he'll ever visit in person though, but he said it is possible. We wouldn't be able to text or call, because he is going to a different country and international texts/calls are very expensive, but we agreed to keep in touch through an online messenger. He promised to message me when he will get off the bus in a transitional city where he is going to catch a train to his final destination. But he didn't message me. He was supposed to be in the city at 9AM. Around 11AM I messaged him first, after not getting a reply for a while. There is still no answer, even though he seemed to come online multiple times after that. I hope that he is okay, and that he will get in touch sometime.
I am scared for him, but I hope he is okay. I am also so very lonely.
My roommate left for the party. Before he left he just kept talking and talking about all the people he was hanging out with this week and their wacky drunk adventures, and it just felt like we live in parallel worlds. One is my world when I am worried silly about the only friend I have not being in touch and struggling to create the smallest connection to someone, and the other one when people are just meeting each other and having fun together so naturally, connecting so effortlessly and laughing together and understaning each other. I feel like an alien.
Oh I didn't realise he was moving to a different country. Maybe his travel plans have been a bit hectic since he left and he hasn't had time or has been unable to get online long enough to reply. Long distance travel doesn't always go to plan. I hope you hear from him soon. Worrying about someone traveling safely is very tiring.
I understand that alien feeling, I really do. People live very different lives.
Yes, you're right. It must've been hectic for him. Thank you for your support.
I am sorry you have to deal with the alien feeling too. It's not the nicest feeling to have. But I guess that's right that there are all kinds of people out there, and they have all kind of lives. It's nice to know I am not the only one feeling this way. Maybe there are more people out there feeling alien than we realize, and eventually both you and me can find someone who feels alien in ways similar to our own and make new friends. That would be nice.
I am going mad with anxiety. Rationally, he is probably just busy, but it still horrifies me that he still wouldn't message me and tell me he is okay. He definitely has Internet wherever he is. God, why isn't he answering?
I'm so sorry he hasn't replied yet. Is he usually unreliable when it comes to responding? I know my sister is like that and it's not personal against me, it's just the way she is so I just have to be patient for her reply. He could just be really busy and tired from the move - not that that is an excuse because it takes seconds to send a message, I'm just trying to think of reasons why he hasn't! I do hope he's alright though.
There are so many people out there with the alien feeling, I know that for a fact! The trouble is that we are all very separate people and I think it's often rare for us to meet someone like ourselves or show other people our true selves? Part of the problem is that we're given this idea (through tv, films and media) of what society is like and what our place in it should be (as in being social, going to the pub, meeting lots of people, having lots of friends) and there is so much pressure to be that kind of person but I think ultimately many of the people who appear to be like that actually aren't as comfortable being in those kinds of social circles as they seem. It's just that society pressures us to be a certain way and if we don't fit the criteria we're made to believe we're wrong.
It also comes down to being comfortable with who you are which is not an easy thing to achieve when everything appears to be telling us otherwise. I think I'm much more accepting of my differences to other people than I used to be, mostly because I don't put myself in situations any more that I know will trigger all the anxiety and worry about being different, but it still all flares up all the time.
Sorry if that's a bit long and random or unhelpful, I don't mean to talk about myself, but am just trying to explain the way I see things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juella
Maybe there are more people out there feeling alien than we realize, and eventually both you and me can find someone who feels alien in ways similar to our own and make new friends. That would be nice.
This is a wonderfully positive sentence. Try to hold on to that. I know hope is a difficult thing to believe in but you never know how things might pan out.
I got a reply! Yay! He messaged this night and told me he is okay and reached his destination safely. I was finally able to sleep.
Now that the morning came, my excitement is somewhat dampened with how brief and just...off out chat was. But maybe he was busy, or just tired...
Quote:
Originally Posted by nonperson
There are so many people out there with the alien feeling, I know that for a fact! The trouble is that we are all very separate people and I think it's often rare for us to meet someone like ourselves or show other people our true selves? Part of the problem is that we're given this idea (through tv, films and media) of what society is like and what our place in it should be (as in being social, going to the pub, meeting lots of people, having lots of friends) and there is so much pressure to be that kind of person but I think ultimately many of the people who appear to be like that actually aren't as comfortable being in those kinds of social circles as they seem. It's just that society pressures us to be a certain way and if we don't fit the criteria we're made to believe we're wrong.
It also comes down to being comfortable with who you are which is not an easy thing to achieve when everything appears to be telling us otherwise. I think I'm much more accepting of my differences to other people than I used to be, mostly because I don't put myself in situations any more that I know will trigger all the anxiety and worry about being different, but it still all flares up all the time.
Sorry if that's a bit long and random or unhelpful, I don't mean to talk about myself, but am just trying to explain the way I see things.
.
I wouldn't mind you talking about yourself at all! I am grateful for the support!
I can relate to avoidigng the situations that make you feel different and like you don't fit in, as well as the fact it eases the anxiety, but doesn't completely remove it. But for me it's something that leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, by avoiding things that make me uncomfortable and cause worry about being different I am further isolating myself. On the other hand, getting into these situations in spite of anxiety, which is something I did more often when I was younger, is a gamble that is more likely to result not only in stress for me, but in my behaviour alienating other people further. I feel stuck in this dilemma, and I wonder if anyone else feels the same way, or what other people would think is right.
Yes it is difficult to find a balance... and you're right that avoiding the situation does increase the isolation. I wish I knew what to suggest because I know I haven't got the balance right myself.
I'm glad he replied and I hope you can keep in contact.
Having support to do social type things can be useful, but you've said there is no kind of MH support services where you are? Do you know if there are any befriending agencies or volunteering you could get involved with which would increase your contact with people? I know it's really hard to push past the anxiety of social situations.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't think there are MH services that would help me with socialising. As for volunteering to meet new people - that is possible. But the thing is, it's not that I don't have ways to physically meet new people. I am a teacher, that inherently involves constantly being in contact with people. I mostly teach youngsters, but some of my students are my age or older. Also, our office is constantly hiring new people. We currently have four brand new employees and six spots open to potentially be filled with new guys. Getting in contact with people isn't a problem. The problem is forming a connection. I don't seem to be able to progress past painfully awkward and forced smalltalk with anyone.
Today, I was forced to realize yet another issue I have due to the fact my best friend left. I really struggle at work without him. He was the only person there fully aware of the extent of my mental health issues and pretty much knew how to help when things got rough. Now that he's gone, I have a very hard time and I am really worried about becoming unable to keep this job. Outside of it, I don't have many employment opportunities or ways to provide for myself. A sensible thing would be to look for ways to gain some valuable skills to be able to find a new job in case things really do go pear-shaped. But I really don't know how to go about it. The task seems umanagable, and I am very low, to the point where washing my hair is a struggle. I come from work completely drained and I don't seem to be able to force myself to do anything but lay in bed. When I think about the amount of work I will have to do just to know I'll stay afloat, my mind instantly goes to suicide as the easier way out. I don't know what to do about it.
I think I might have mentioned the Meetup website before, are there any groups in your area? Having a shared activity to be doing can be a good way to socialise with people and slowly build up relationships, and if you have a shared interest that might help. I know it's hard to form connections though, it takes a lot of practice but it isn't impossible. Do you know what it is that makes the process of making a connection hard for you?
I'm sorry work is difficult for you without your friend. The fact that your mood is low because of everything that has been going on won't be helping in your work or personally so maybe things will settle. Is there no one else at all you could talk through your work worries with? Even if you talk around the MH stuff?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The Meetup is a cool website, but I apparently live in a total middle of nowhere, because there is nothing going on here. Plus, to connect to people through shared interest I should have interests in the first place, and to be honest I've been low and disinterested in everything for over 2 years now. Which makes me an unpleasant person to socialize with, and I do realize that.
I find it hard to form a connection because I simply don't know what to do or say in social situations. I don't know if that's because I'm on a spectrum, probably yes. For me having a conversation with a person I don't know all that well is a hard work that exhausts me more than anything else, and thinking of things to say outside of standard "Yeah, weather sure exists, commute sure sucks" is literally one of the hardest mental tasks I've been faced with.
I think I found someone I can talk to at work though. One of my coworkers was supportive when I...well...embarrassed myself. Our boss took us to show us the new building where we're going to move our office to, which by itself upset me to a stupid degree because I have a lot of memories connected to the old building. And when he shown us one of the rooms and said "And this was supposed to be *my best friend's name* office that he wanted for such a long time, but now it's not going to be, so I don't know what we'll put here yet" I started sobbing and ran away to avoid breaking down in front of everyone, like I'm in middle school. This one guy went with me, took me to a park, sat me on a bench and tried to comfort me. I think he is a nice, trustworthy person.
