Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both. I've been looking after my friend's cat, going to her flat twice a day. She was texting me asking if I had bought bags for the cat litter after I told her I had bought some more food and cat litter and I said I was just using her bin bags (as she was using, but I did mention I'd get smaller bags for the litter). Then she said there won't be any bin bags left now will there? I said there is and she said "I'll be honest I'm not comfortable with this situation with this. Hopefully you'll look out for cats name and me." I told her I'm doing my best. She was supposed to sort out getting her cat into a cattery but she hasn't done it since it's handy to get me to do everything. She said I should look after him until her ex got back from his trip and then she'd get the keys back off me but then she said I've to keep looking after him for now because she's busy. I feel like she's not appreciating anything and like she's totally against me but is using me for her own needs. It's just upsetting. I have looked after her cat a lot in the past when she has been visiting her parents so she knows I can look after him ok.

[Sketchy]

That must be so frustrating. It sounds like she really is being difficult. You are doing the best you can and it’s nice of you to do so. Are you able to let her know how you feel? It’s hard because she’s unwell, but you need to look out for yourself too.

[one_step_closer]

I don't want to say anything because she's interpreting a lot of neutral things as bad things, like the way I look and the things I say. She's annoyed with me again today. I can't seem to do much right.

I'm feeling really low and stuck again with the thought that no matter what I do with my life things will just get worse. It's bad enough things being as they are now, I really don't know how I'm going to cope with additional pressures which will surely be forced upon me soon. I miss my old CPN. I miss my psychologist. I need to talk but shouldn't be allowed to talk anyway because I don't deserve support. Hate myself.

[Sketchy]

I promise you do deserve support. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve the same kindness you show others here.

Weren’t you going to ask to be re referred to see a psychologist again?

[one_step_closer]

I didn't ask because I don't know if I'm still allowed to be re-referred since nothing happened after the 3 months had passed after I was discharged from psychology. Also, I don't know if I have anything concrete to work on as I keep changing my mind about what I need to be focusing on and what I can cope with.

Everyone probably thinks I'm fine since I'm not self harming or overdosing as much as I used to. It's hard because a lot of the time I put on an automatic smile so my words don't have much power. I'm not finding a lot of relief from my emotions because I don't always have the words to talk it through or the opportunity to talk.

[Sketchy]

Maybe you could write it down.

I know what you mean about putting on a smile. I’m guilty of that too. But it’s okay to let people know you are not fine and to ask for help.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

There really is no hope that anything is ever going to get better. I wish I was dead. So low.

[Sketchy]

I’m sorry you are low. I am glad you are alive. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I am listening.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks, it helps to even know that someone is out there.

There is no point in my life. A good life depends on ability, opportunities, and good health. I don't have the right things to progress and be content in life. Life is barely tolerable at the moment and it can, and will eventually, get worse. I want to do something risky right now. I wish I could overdose easily. I wish I could cut better. Christmas will come and go and then there will be no positive-ish focus. If I get to a point where I can't cope with things I can't go into hospital because my friend is there. I'm so afraid of life changing for the worse. I don't know what to do.

[Sketchy]

I hope you can talk about this with your new cpn. I know it’s hard talking to someone new, but maybe you’ll eventually trust her and be able to talk.

If you are feeling at risk can you phone crisis?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I'm worried about my brother, as always. Really don't know what I can do to help him and I also can't let go of my worry for him. Thoughts about how he is and what he might be going through are very frequent throughout my days. I want to be able to do something to make things significantly better for him but I don't think I can. I feel guilty about having a less stressful life than he does. He goes to work and socialises and stuff while feeling anxious etc whereas I avoid a lot of things. I can imagine the feeling of chronic anxiety and I know it's not nice, I don't want my brother to be feeling so bad. Wish I knew what to do.

[Buttons.]

I'm sorry you are worrying about your brother, I know worrying about family/friends can be so stressful and frustrating. I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know your feelings are heard, and valid. Love and hugs.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you. I wish someone would hear my brother and help him. See, a lot of things turn into things related to him.

[one_step_closer]

Thinking about how new year is coming up and I'm very sure that my treatment team will be all for me setting goals and moving forward in whatever way moving forward means to them and society. I'm due to finish a review with my support worker on 4th January where I decide on my next steps with the service, that will likely only involve moving on from individual gym support to going to the gym group but my CPN and psychiatrist will likely expect me to do more. Like work. As an adult everything is focused on how people are supposed to have jobs. I think work would make me miserable but that's not an excuse. I don't think I'd cope very well thinking about how I have coped with work in the past and how my mental health is right now. I don't feel like I can bring this up with anyone because they'll just think I'm being lazy and don't want to work. I actually feel like my life as I know it may be over soon because I can't cope with other peoples expectations and ultimately added pressure from life stressors like work. It's all downhill from here.

[Sketchy]

It’s ok that you aren’t ready for work. Maybe in the future you will be, but just now you need to concentrate on your mental health and that is perfectly ok.

[one_step_closer]

The thing is I think people have really high expectations of me, a lot of it due to me having been to uni and somehow coped with that. My previous CPN kept saying I have too much time on my hands to think and my psychiatrist said that once I'd reached a stable point I should look at what I want to do with my life. I think I'm likely to be seen as stable because my psychiatrist has only known me as being in and out of hospital every couple of months but now I have been home for 4 months. I don't do a lot of self harming because I just physically can't cope with it. These are things that people can see, I don't know how to explain that emotionally I am struggling just to cope with small pressures in life.

[Sketchy]

Maybe write it down for them. Tell them what you have said here.

I coped with doing a degree, and have worked, but now I’m unable to do so. Things change. Just because you coped before, doesn’t mean you can now.
Perhaps it will change again in the future and you will eventually work, but for now you need the time off.

[one_step_closer]

I don't know how anyone deals with life things on top of mental illness things. I really don't think I can cope with much right now and I keep protecting myself from as much as possible. I really am terrified that something will happen that is so emotionally painful but I may not be able to get away from it, probably wouldn't even succeed at suicide. I want to hurt myself right now but I keep going to do it and then don't do it because it does nothing for me when I'm in this kind of place. I need something more extreme, more punishing, more risky. I'm not able to destroy myself as much as I want to and that makes things worse. There is no relief.

[Sketchy]

If you are feeling unsafe will you phone crisis?

I don’t have useful words, but I am listening.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. Crisis finish at 10pm. I ended up just going to bed. I'm seeing my CPN at 1.30, don't know how that's going to go. It'll be our first meeting together without my previous CPN.