I've been attacked again today by my ex boyfriend. He said it was revenge for last night. I tried to fight him last night to make him leave me alone, but all it did was make him angry.
I found out why I'm being attacked. He said that he does it because I'm gay. He says that because I'm gay I'm supposed to like it. He said that I obviously did like it and want it.
I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone. He said he'd kill me if I did. He is quite capable of killing me, I know. How I know this is that when he attacked me, he put his hands over my throat and pressed down with all his weight. I couldn't breathe and I got tunnel vision and nearly blacked out. He then got me lying down on my front and then attacked me.
It's my fault because I'm gay, he said so. I can't take the feelings of guilt, worthlessness and shame any more. I just can't do it any more. I've tried to ignore it and suppress my feelings but it doesn't work.
Please, anyone? I'm desperate. I've never begged anything from anyone before in my life. Please someone talk to me, I can't do this alone. I can't tell my friends and family what's happening because they think that it's stopped. They don't know how bad it is. I'm scared and alone. Please help me. I feel so worthless and alone.
I don't know, the trouble is that I don't think I'll be believed. When I was a young boy and I was being hurt by those sickos and I finally told, I was blamed for it and they said that it was my fault and I led them on, I'd come out as gay aged 14 and apparently that meant I asked for it/deserved it.
Someone else (a young boy about 8) reported my ex a few years ago for the same crimes and he wasn't believed.
But if you report him too then their will be 2 of you saying the same things so they will have to take it seriously.
Aside from that I really think you are running out of other options now I know its scary but for your safety you are going to have to go to the police because he keeps doing it and he's going to keep doing it until he's stopped.
You're so brave you can do this and no none of it is your fault whatsoever.good luck
"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."
I know :-/ is their anyone that you can take with you? Or is their a helpline you can ring after? You are doing the right thing :) try to stay safe take care
"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."
I'm back from reporting it - I don't quite know how I feel. I'm partially relieved it's over and I can't tell you what it feels like to be believed. The nightmare is hopefully coming to a close now. The medical examination and video statement/interview thing was hard but at the same time I feel a lot more relieved than anything else.
I'm feeling a bit better today but I still have some anxiety and I didn't get that much sleep either last night. I've been referred for counselling too so I really hope that it helps.
The nightmares won't stop - it's always the same sort of dream. I'm trapped somewhere with Boris (my ex) and he attacks me. I have them every night. I dread going to sleep - I try and avoid it but eventually I am so tired that I have to sleep. Then the nightmares start.
Me and my ex are due in court in May after I reported everything he'd done to me. Ever since the start of the month he's been attacking me. He says I have to change my story or he'll kill me. He punched me so hard last night he knocked me out. I've tried hiding the bruises by wearing a hoody and covering them with CC cream and concealer from one of my mates (a girl).
I don't know what to do or how to get away from him. He's a sadist and a monster. He's either going to kill me or I'm going to kill myself because I can't take it any more. I've never felt this scared and this trapped ever before. It's like I'll never be free of him. It's like being haunted by a ghost covered in treacle. It's almost impossible to escape. It feels like I am stuck in quicksand and rapidly sinking with no way of getting out.
I just need to talk to someone about it all. I feel so trapped. It's like I'm stuck in quicksand and quickly going under. I have no escape from him. He wove his web so expertly and tightly that there isn't any way I can escape.
I feel so scared and trapped. I have constant anxiety. I've tried not having a relapse of self-harm but instead I'm drinking and taking drugs to calm down. The fear and anxiety is constant.
I just need to talk to someone about it. I haven't told anyone anything about how I feel.
ETA:When I say drugs I'm talking about sedatives not the illegal sort.
Last edited by dbus-daemon : 28-03-2015 at 06:19 PM.
Reason: further info
I'm so sorry you've been through this I'm so proud of you for reporting it. Remember they believed you. Do you still have the newer bruises? You could perhaps go to the police station with those too, maybe they'll bring the hearing closer I don't know.
If there's an abuse hotline where you live you could call them to discuss your options. He should be on some sort of restraining order and not have access to you to keep hurting you like this.
There is absolutely no way this is your fault for being gay. None. He has tried to make you think like that so he feels ok about his despicable actions but it's not ok.
His continued abuse is just more evidence against him, so if you can maybe document what happened and have photos it might be useful in court. That's why I suggested going back to the police so they can record it but also maybe they can intervene.
I'm sorry for getting hysterical but I've been under a lot of stress and there isn't anyone I can talk to about it. I've gone to the dentist and he's taken x-rays of my cracked teeth (upper molars on right side of face) and has booked me in for repair work next week, so he can be called and give his professional opinion (which he incidentally did a few years ago for a car-crash victim who sued the car maker as the airbag knocked her teeth out).
I've also got a spreadsheet and a description of times, dates, places, witnesses and what happened when he attacked me. Iv'e also taken some photos which have the date/time (correct date and time!) stamped on the image. I'm really scared of him. I just feel so guilty, worthless and ashamed. I should at least try fighting back instead of letting him attack me.
The anxiety is killing me. It's like being buried under a tonne of sand while falling down a very deep well. My life is rapidly receeding upwards away from me while I fall down, deeper and deeper. The sedatives calm me at night when it's at it's worst.
Sadly I'm not likely to get counselling for a while yet. I'm being assessed in the last month of April, but it's all getting too much. It's also going to be pretty humiliating too, having to explain what happened.
I don't know who I can talk to about how I feel. I thought I might be able to bury it and forget about it. I tried that and I seem to be worse than ever.
My mate Mickey was the only one I could really talk to, but he's been dead now for just over a week. I really need him more than ever but he's not there.
Last edited by dbus-daemon : 29-03-2015 at 02:14 AM.
Reason: Updated