Contains sexual abuse - I AM a bad person, and here's why

Hiccup · 21-09-2015, 04:43 PM

I've created a different account to post this because I don't want anyone to know who I am.

This may really trigger so please please if you are unsure, don't read it.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering.

hate me if you want. i ****ing deserve it. i deserve EVERYTHING i get.

now you see why I AM a heinous human being.

I'm so so sorry if I upset anyone. I probably have but I don't mean to. i just can't keep this in anymore. i can't live like this. I can't live with myself.

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 23-09-2015, 01:08 PM

Hey sweetheart,

First of all you're not a bad person. You're actually VERY brave to open up about this & I'm really proud of you.

What you went through, no child should. You shouldn't have been subjected to such abuse & I'm truly sorry for that. Do you have any support/therapy about it?

There is a difference between normal sexual exploration & abusive behavior. Children, particularly in the younger age groups, like you were, may engage in such behavior with no knowledge that it is wrong or abusive. I know when I was a child, before I was abused, me & my friend (we were in primary school), would sexually explore each other in a non threatening way,, we'd giggle at eachothers private parts & play doctors & nurses. So you're not alone.

As for your sister, have you spoke to her about it? Obviously it would be a very very difficult subject to talk about, but I would think in talking about it, you may find out that she doesn't actually equal what you did as abuse, she might not even remember it or think anything of it.

What you did to your friend was obviously wrong, but I do not think the amount of guilt you are harboring is right. You are NOT like the person who abused you as you have openly admitted what you did was wrong & you feel bad for it. Have you spoke to your friend? If you're still friends,, if you feel able to you could write her a letter apologizing & perhaps explaining you were also abused & the only thing you knew was abuse & that, I'd imagine is the reason it happened. You need to forgive yourself at some point or you will forever be in disarray & punishing yourself & you don't deserve that.

In regard to the fear of being attracted to children, I think everyone has that fear in some form, no one wants to be a pedophile. Its not the fear of being attracted, its the fear of being a pedophile that's scary. You said yourself you do NOT feel that way & that's important to remember.

x x x x

Isoverity · 23-09-2015, 02:04 PM

Abused and violated people can absorb some of the identity of their abuser. That's why even studies show that abusers are often abuse victims themselves. Children who have sexual impulses at a young age have generally been victims of some form of cruelty.

A shock of any kind can cause a rupture so that people can lose their connection with their core, inner self and impressions from the outside get in (thats the root of flashbacks and PTSD).

Obviously you struggle with things you don't really identify with. You dont like some impulses, thoughts etc. That shows those things aren't really you and you wouldn't have such things if you weren't abused. Unfortunately a lot of abused people struggle with implanted identity and feel cursed. You dont want to struggle and hate yourself because its not yourself and hating and struggling keeps the connection to the corruption.

Awareness and gentle sense of regret are ok. Letting go of hate for abusers is also key. It sounds unfair but bad people want to be hated because thats how they pull you down. Let it all go.

Ballerina123 · 23-09-2015, 08:01 PM

I think this is brave.
Unfortunatly its the only opinion I can have.

do you have any help to help you resolve these feeling and not act on them again?
as far as the stuff you did as a child. you can not be blamed for that you were only doing what you though was right and a child rarely know the right thing to do when it comes to sexual acts.

iron.maiden · 24-09-2015, 02:14 AM

I'm in complete agreement with eyeliner&cigarettes.

You've been through such a lot. But at such a young age, you don't have capacity to fully understand what you were doing and the consequences. It is completely different to an adult abusing a child. Since you've become an adult, you realised that that behaviour was not ok and have stopped. Kids copy what adults do, so in a sense it's not really surprising that you'd try act that out. It doesn't make you a bad person. Also, from what you've said, it doesn't sound to me like you are a paedophile.

I hope you are able to start forgiving yourself, even just a little bit.
*Hugs*

Hiccup · 24-09-2015, 07:10 PM

thank you all for replying and being kind. my doctor said much the same when i told him: that i was essentially 'brainwashed' and i thought that that kind of behaviour was normal, and also that kids aren't fully responsible for their actions if they don't understand that what they were doing was wrong. but he only said that so i didn't kill myself. what i did IS wrong. end of.

eyeliner&cigarettes: thank you. but it wasn't sexual exploration. what i did was abuse:

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering - what i did to my friend

. That is WRONG and not justifiable in any way. perhaps what i did to my sister is less bad but still wrong to expose a 4 year old to how to masturbate. i can't talk to her about it as i don't want her to remember. i lost contact with my friend years ago. i'm afraid she's killed herself because of what i did.

i don't think i'm a pedophile either. i don't find children attractive and child pornography is just sick. i have never masturbated over a child because i don't find them attractive. it's also wrong. you might be right, Epic, about it being 'obsessive thoughts' because i've had those before about other things. i'm terrified that i am like him and i will hurt someone. what if i have kids and just 'decide to try it?'. i'm scared. i hate myself. i think the fear stems from hearing all the time about 'the abused becoming the abuser'.

Ballerina123: it's fine. i understand. everything you think i have thought myself. tell me the truth because perhaps i need to hear it from somebody else. PM me if you want. i won't report anything because you're right: i'm a ****ing **** and i deserve to suffer and die and slow and painful death for what i have done.

thank you all, but please be honest. i know who i am and what i have done and that it will never be okay.

Pi.R^2 · 03-10-2015, 08:24 PM

I think it's ridiculously brave of you to accept that what you did was wrong and try to take some responsibility for it. It's a sign that you're a really good person. However I don't think the level of hatred and punishment you are piling on yourself is at all reasonable.

With regards to the masturbation, I don't think that was abusive at all towards your sister- I imagine exploration like that happens a lot in young children.

With regards to the incident with your friend, you were a child with a background of abuse which led you to have completely dysfunctional understanding of sexual behaviours and consent and it was not your fault. As iron.maiden said, it's sadly quite understandable that a child who has been abused might act out those behaviours on someone else because they're at such a fragile stage in their emotional development that they are very easily influenced and often copy things from adults. Yes it was a bad thing to have done, but you were a child who didn't know better and now you are an adult who has the capacity to understand sex and consent properly and makes good choices. You don't deserve to keep punishing yourself for this.

I hope that makes some sense. You asked for honesty and honestly I don't blame you for what you did and think you sound like a very good person.