I know it's nowhere near this simple, but it seems like work is a big trigger and possibly too agonising at the place you're currently at within yourself. Could you call in tonight and say you're not coming? I know you'll have natural concerns about how they're going to cover, but if you came down with D&V you'd have to call in sick anyway, and this is arguably much, much harder to cope with than D&V. Work will keep running if you don't go in tonight.
I hear that it feels excruciating just now and that there's probably not much I can say to take that away, I don't know if it's any comfort at all to know that you don't have to go to work, you don't have to go to Scotland, you don't even have to get out of bed if bed is the only place that feels vaguely safe. As long as you're looking after your basic needs, the rest of it is not that important. I know it's oversimplified to say that, especially with regards to finances, but maybe when the darkness lifts a bit, you can do some practical stuff around that.
I can so empathise with how it feels to fall into the suffocating darkness over and over - and I don't know if it helps to know, but it's not forever. There are ways that you can be helped, essentially, it's just how to access the help just now. I'm really hoping your previous CPN can keep doing some work on that and pushing for you to get the right medication and the right support and input where needed. The light is going to come back, though I'm not sure how reassuring that is for you just now, so I guess I'd say keep holding on for the moment.
Thank you both so much. I really do appreciate it and reading your replies does help xx
Work is a trigger, I think, at the moment. It just feels so impossible and overwhelming. I came in tonight. I feel awful. I really shouldn't have. But I'm here now. Just trying to break the work down into small sections and get through an hour at a time. It feels impossible but isn't. It does help to be reminded that I don't 'have' to do things.
I feel so hopeless just now. I need it to stop. Telling myself I just have to survive 12 days until that appointment and then I can see what happens and review things after that. I do realise it isn't right to pin everything on services and I know it's my responsibility to make things better. I do know that. But I am trying and it's not enough and I need help. Something. I don't know what. Or, I do know but I'm so scared it won't be offered. Or that even if it is it won't actually help.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
How was your night Hannah? How are you getting on so far today?
I can relate to trying to put all your hopes in an appointment. We all need support at times and you shouldn't be expected to have to deal with everything alone. You definitely are trying. Would you be able to be up front and suggest what it is that you'd like to try? I understand not wanting to ask for things etc and I know I would have trouble doing that so I'm not saying it's easy. Maybe it would help for people to know what your thoughts are on treatment. Of course maybe it wouldn't be offered and if it was it might not help but you are important and things are worth a try, worth fighting for. Do you think you could even mention it to your old CC since you know her better?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The night was hard. I got through it. Today has been hard. I couldn't sleep much after work and spent a lot of the day crying and feeling like I really can't go on. Almost called old CC (I'm not actually discharged from that service until after that next appointment) or even the CMHT here but couldn't bring myself to. Survived anyway.
I really ****ed up with work as well. I was supposed to be at training the day I had that appointment and I completely forgot to cancel it, I feel awful.
I want my medication sorted, at the moment I want to try going back on an AD, probably venlafaxine because I know it's helped in the past, and depending on how that goes maybe also try increasing the lithium again. I did discuss it with my old CC and she agrees that it's the best plan and it's what we'll be asking for at the appointment. I also started EMDR last year and was finding it helpful but didn't get to finish it due to the psychologist going off sick and then leaving. I'd like to restart it, or not even EMDR necessarily but some form of therapy. She'd back me up on that as well, but I feel like the chances of being offered therapy here are slim to none. I'll try to say what I want though. I will try to be assertive.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Would writing down what treatment you'd like along with your reasons for wanting those treatments be a good prompt for you, so you can back up what you're asking for? I know people often like reasons why things should be put in place. I really hope the appointment goes well. Hope Scotland is treating you ok and it's not getting too much for you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry things are so difficult flower but I am glad you have your old CC on your side. Keep taking things a day at a time and try to enjoy your time away.
Thank you lovelies. Your support really does mean a lot.
Scotland was hard. It was really good to see people, but it was constant peopling and I'm exhausted. Met up with a friend when I got back, we have my aunt staying with us. She was quite unwell a few years ago and although she's doing okay now she's not how she was before. It's difficult. I worked last night and haven't slept much. I'm so massively overwhelmed just now.
Appointment is tomorrow. I'm so so nervous. My reasons for wanting those things are quite simple, just that those were the things that were helping before they were stopped or reduced. So I don't think it's anything unreasonable. I'm sure I'll be able to explain my reasons. Hopefully. I'm just really scared.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
It actually wasn't anything like as bad as I was expecting. The dr was very nice, though I probably won't see him again apparently, and the CPN didn't really say much. I got the options of going back on venlafaxine, discussing other antidepressants or an antipsychotic. I chose venlafaxine because it's helped before, which he was fine with. So I've to take the tiniest dose of that for the next week and then increase to what I was taking before. He didn't seem too keen to touch the lithium but my lithium levels have been low enough that I could push for it to be increased if I'm still struggling.
He asked my old CC if my diagnosis is bipolar and she said yes. I said I didn't think it was and she said I maybe hadn't been given a formal diagnosis before but that's what's been discussed by the team and she feels it's correct. It's not exactly a massive surprise but it still feels weird.
I don't know. I'm relieved it wasn't so bad and hopefully the AD will help. I'm seeing old CC one last time to have a coffee and then I'm seeing the new CPN in a couple of weeks.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I'm glad things went better than you expected. How are you getting on with the Venlafaxine? Early days I know. I really hope your new CPN will be someone you click with and who you feel listened to and supported by.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's going okay I guess. I don't know. I'm really scared that it won't help. I know that even then there are other options but I'm just scared nothing is going to help. I'm trying not to be negative.
I feel awful. I'm so so anxious and agitated, I don't know why but it's horrible and I feel like I'm going to burst into tears for no reason. I don't know what to do with myself.
I really don't know how it will go with the CPN. it's not been great so far but I'm trying to give it a chance. I saw my old CC today for the last time, which was really nice. I'm still nervous about how it's going to be here though.
I guess things are quieter now. I'm working tonight, feel like I need to try and just get on with it. Not sure if it's the best idea or not.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I can understand feeling scared that nothing will help, but Venlafaxine has been useful for you in the past right? You're right that there are other things that you can try but it is scary not knowing how you're going to react and if you'll have the right support around you to help with the effects of the meds and to allow you to try things. I know it's so hard not to worry and think 'what if' etc, as much as you can try to just focus on things as they come up. You thought the appointment would have been terrible and it wasn't as bad as you expected so things could keep improving from here. Worrying probably won't change anything but I do understand that it's not easy to push away negative thoughts.
Do you think you maybe need to cry? Maybe you could let it happen in a safe setting.
Do what you can work wise, if it gets too much then try and be honest with someone. If you need some time to look after yourself that's ok. Keeping busy with work etc has its benefits though, just listen to yourself and what you think is achievable and ok for you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Keeping busy with work is often good but I don't know that it is at the moment. I usually push myself to keep going and I'm trying to learn to recognise when that isn't a good idea. I did a couple of shifts and I'm giving myself a bit of a break at the moment.
I feel horrible. I think my mood's been a bit better over the past day or two but today is just awful. I'm so, so anxious and I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. I can't sit and focus on anything. It's horrible. I'm sure it will pass. I need to keep going. It feels difficult. Impossible.
Things are difficult at home as well. Really struggling with being here. Hoping it will be better once my course starts and I'm not home so much. But right now it's very hard.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm sorry to keep posting here. It just helps a bit to have somewhere to talk.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Being home would be difficult in most circumstances never mind when things are wobbly and when you don't have things like work as a distraction. Is there any prep work you could do for your course some times I find it helpful to have something to focus on (but not always so feel free to ignore!)
Was there anything different about the days when your mood was a little better? How are you feeling now?
I'm doing a bit better than I was. Still not great but definitely better. There are bright moments. I have my induction for a new job all next week and then start uni the week after. I'm nervous but I'm also feeling kind of positive and looking forward to it.
I'm sorry, I know I keep moaning about this, but I had my first proper appointment with my new CPN today and found it really difficult. I find him really difficult, tbh. He definitely wants me off lithium. He asked if I'm aware of the long term side effects and risks, which I am, but I said that at the moment it's helping (I think) and has been the best medication I've been on. So he asked "you'd be happy to be on it for the rest of your life then?" in a really challenging way. I said that I don't have any intention of being on any medication for the rest of my life, but I would only want to come off it once things have been okay for a good while. He said that he thinks there won't ever be a time where it feels like a 'good time' to come off meds and I'll always be anxious about it, so basically that now might be as good a time as any. I disagreed because things haven't been good recently, and he said that how I've been feeling is no worse than anyone else would feel due to moving and having nerves about uni. I don't think that's the case at all. I don't think it's normal to feel that low and unmotivated, or to have suicidal thoughts, or to feel unable to work when I ALWAYS go to work. I did say to him that I didn't think that was the case but he just shrugged.
Then he said that I've only ever had one episode and there's no need for that to be treated with lithium. I said that that wasn't the case (which he knows already from the paperwork and from meeting with me and my old CC) and that although I've only had one episode with psychotic symptoms, I have had other mood episodes and that's what the lithium was prescribed for. He said that he didn't think it was the right treatment for that and that medication in general may not be. Which is fine, I don't think it's the whole answer either. But I try SO hard to use coping strategies and everything, and in spite of that, life without medication isn't currently very manageable.
He told me to think about it over the next couple of weeks. But I already know how I feel and what I want, and he isn't listening.
I feel that he didn't listen in general, tbh. He already seemed to have made up his mind that I'm struggling at the moment solely because I'm stressed about starting uni. Which isn't the case. Yes, stress does have an impact. It is probably part of the reason. But how I cope with stress depends a lot on how I'm feeling to start with. And I think that has been influenced by medication reductions etc. He also decided on triggers for past episodes (which weren't accurate) and even though I'd told him that, he kept saying it.
He made it very clear that he feels I've been 'spoiled' by the level of support I've had from EI and that I don't need it. On one level he's right, I have had a lot of support, but then that's kind of the point of EI. I don't need or expect that to continue. But I do need to be listened to and have my experience taken into consideration. He met me a few weeks ago, but I've been living with these issues for 15 years.
I feel hugely frustrated. I suppose the one upside is that I am so irritated that I have actually been quite assertive. I don't feel it's done any good though, because he has blatantly disregarded a lot of what I've said.
I don't really know what to do. At the end of the day I don't really need the support, I don't think. So it's not the end of the world if I can't click with him. But I don't want the psych to listen to his opinion over mine. I think now would be a terrible time to come off meds, or even just lithium.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
God, he sounds like a dick. You've had such a tough time recognising that you've needed medication, then you've had the huge courage to take it regularly and, it sounds, benefit from it, and he's just got this agenda which is total black and white thinking for whatever poorly thought-out reason and and. Just very, very frustrating, you're right.
If your mental health is better on the medication than off it, it is, of course, depending on side-effects, the logical thing to stay on it. I don't even need to tell you how hard you've worked on all this because you already know.
Is there any scope to consider asking for a different CPN? If that's not possible and he continues undermining you like this, it might be worth considering having the psychiatrist as your lead professional care of whatever it's called, although it's so far from ideal. There are occasions where, through no fault of a person's own, mental health services make things worse and I am by no means suggesting you don't need the support because I really think you do, but it's just worth keeping an eye out to see that he doesn't make things worse.
I think you've mentioned this already, but can your GP override a psychiatrist's decision in the (hopefully unlikely) event that they listen to him? If not, and should the psych decide to take you off lithium, definitely contact the manager and request a second opinion.
Your judgement seems really right on this, for what it's worth.
I also just wanted to add congratulations and huge good vibes for your induction and starting at uni!
