Thank you both. I saw my CPN today and she said I'm not a bad person and that I have a heart of gold and I might even care too much about people. That feels very at odds with how I see myself.
I'm really sorry for not being supportive around here just now, or even social in general on here. My head is in a difficult place but I'm still reading and I hope to be able to offer some support to others soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you. I feel sort of briefly reassured by other people at times, can't seem to self soothe though. I'm missing being able to phone crisis when I need to talk, so much of the team has changed. I haven't done anything majorly risky or anything though so I'm obviously managing okish.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't want to transform my self hatred into things like art or work off the feelings through exercise. I want my hatred to be in it's purest form and show through self harm and risky behaviours. I sort of feel like how I guess an older person would feel when they want to do something but aren't physically or psychologically able to do it any more. I feel a partial brain paralysis type thing when I want to make risky plans and I have lost the skills or something to physically harm myself well enough. Self harming used to be my go to coping mechanism. All those cuts through my teenage years and 20s. Now I barely get anything from self harm, most of the time I get nothing. There is no other way to cope with hating myself and needing to be punished.
I wish there was always someone on crisis that I felt able to talk to properly. The only time I get a chance to talk now is with my CPN once a fortnight. I am an adult and I must cope mostly alone. There is no relief. I am a waste. I am a waste of oxygen, of money, of housing, of time. Why be conscious through all of this pointless time that is quickly running out? I hope I won't be aware of anything when I'm dead.
I want to make a positive impact in the world, by supporting people emotionally mainly, but I don't because I'm barely around people and when I am I can't cope with the social aspect of it. All I have done in my life is bring pain and even though it has always been unintentional I can never forgive myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I felt really bad in bed last night, thinking about things as usual. I realised that I probably caused my CPN's health problems. There must be something that comes before me into the lives of others that I am set to meet and it hurts them. I cried and rocked and repeated that I'm sorry. I nearly cried on the bus today thinking about her problems. Last night I also thought about how it's actually kind of a big deal that I watched my Mum and Dad die. I watched people die. A lot of people my age won't have seen anyone die. Maybe growing up things were harder for my brother than they were for me because I had to take responsibility for my Mum when she was ill, and my Dad, and my brother too. My brother had little control or influence. He must have seen and heard things going on but felt powerless to do anything. I wouldn't go back and change my past for me but if the past continues to hurt my brother and it was possible for me to change the past I would do it for him. I have always had some form of control of what was happening around me, even if it was an 'illusion of control' as a previous psychologist said my rituals were. I have no significant control over my brother's well being now, not in a positive way anyway. He has watched everyone fall apart around him and now I might have to watch him fall apart. I'm so hugely sorry for every negative thing I have caused in everyones lives.
I want to delete myself and all memories of me and all of my actions so a lot of pain would be taken away from the world. I am guilty. Guilty. Evil. Unintentionally, but that doesn't matter. My CPN said it is important that I have never intentionally set out to cause harm to other people. People have said that to me before. But I'm different. There is no good in me and I shouldn't be allowed to make mistakes that hurt people. I should never be forgiven. I should never have been created. But I don't want anyone to hate me. That's so selfish. I really wish I could talk to anyone on crisis like it mostly was years ago. I want to go to the psych ward and apologise for all the things I did that might have scared and upset people. I can't go there though because my friend is there. I don't want to interact with her because it hurts us both at the moment. If I went to visit then the staff would probably be too busy to speak to me anyway. They'd be annoyed that I haven't been to see my friend but I turned up for them. A posted letter would probably backfire. It would end up in my notes somewhere and interpreted in a bad way. I just want to tell every single person that I have ever hurt that I am so sorry and I will carry my remorse and hatred of myself for what I have done for the rest of my life. I will never forgive myself. I don't deserve forgiveness. My actions, words, etc have caused harm. I am accountable. It's all down to me, I have been very bad.
The things I need to talk about aren't things that would be soothed by generic set responses. I can't say I'm suicidal and be satisfied with someone suggesting distractions. I need to talk about in depth stuff. That's not what the crisis team is there for. There's no one I can talk to apart from my CPN once a fortnight. Even then she'll need to focus on me making practical progress. I feel so very alone and lost with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm probably going to go into the usual here. I don't know if there's anything that anyone can say.
My brother works in retail and isn't looking forward to his work tonight and over the weekend even more than usual because of people being rude over not getting bread/milk/whatever because of the weather. He's having problems with finances and not getting much time to himself because his flatmate is quite social and I think he doesn't want to say 'I need time to myself' when she wants to do something in case she thinks he's not a sociable flatmate or something. There's nothing much I can do for him. Me sitting here with low stressors is doing nothing for him. I know that if I was doing worse and he knew about it then it may not be good for him either though. I can't bear to know that he is pretty much alone in this, as we all are. I help him out with money and let him know that he can talk to me if he needs to but it's not enough. No one can say I'm not responsible for him because I did a lot of parenting type stuff for him when we were growing up so how he is today will have been affected by how badly I did with that. I know I was a child but it was still me, I'm still responsible.
Then that makes me worry more about how I'll cope when pressure is put on me to move forward. I imagine me trying to deal with the things my brother goes through (work, socialising, managing finances) and I really don't think. I could cope. All I can hope for is that when that time comes I will be able to kill myself. But I'm not sure if I would succeed with suicide. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and it was too late for the morning after pill, it made me hope that I never get pregnant in reality. My Mum had me when she was 33, I'm 31 and I worry that I'll end up following in her footsteps.
I am on my own. I am pointless. I am worthless. I have no healthy close relationships. The best relationships I have are with professionals. There really is no reason for me to carry on, for me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't really have any words right now but I can assure you that you are not pathetic at all. I've read, and I care. I think you are a wonderful person who happens to be struggling, happens to be human. That's not a crime. *hugs*
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Right now my neighbour (who is at retirement age) is clearing the snow from the pavement in front of my house and from my path and steps. He has cleared his own area and his sister's who lives across the street. I worry about what he must think about me and about what kind of person this makes me. I am mostly physically able to clear the snow myself, I have problems with my knees but could do it bit by bit, it's just that I have no motivation. I could relate this to poor mental health but what if I'm just lazy? I don't push myself to do many things that involve discomfort or effort. This same neighbour also does my garden for me in the summer, I'm willing the summer to stay away because I don't want him to feel like he has to do it or I'm not grateful. I know he does it because I don't and he doesn't want the place to get overgrown etc. I am young, physically well, I have plenty of time to be doing things because I don't work or have a family. I am a waste of space.
I want to kill myself to avoid all perceptions of me by me and by other people. I want to stop being a burden. I'm panicking over things that have to be done that make me anxious. I have to sort out my car's MOT, I need to get my hair cut, I will soon probably need to have more contact with my friend who is in hospital. Life terrifies me beyond my routine of hiding away from people and I'm not brave enough to endure the anxiety that would occur if I was to do challenging things. My life is pointless. I really think I need to be finding a way to kill myself to remove all of the badness my existence brings. I can't continue hurting and annoying people, and I can't cope with myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sick of myself. Life is unfulfilling but at least I'm not under a great deal of pressure. I should live in the moment, be thankful. I have opportunities to try new things right now while I'm not tied down with responsibilities but I have no interest in much and things I may want to do I usually can't because of low mood or anxiety. I saw one of my neighbours today and she was speaking to me, she said if I can't work I have to accept that and do other things as long as I don't harm myself again. It's not so much not being able to work that bothers me, it's just this lack of meaning in my life. Plus I still worry that other people might not accept that I can't work right now and will therefore push me into something.
I started the gardening volunteering thing last Tuesday. It was quite hard to be with the people. I'm trying not to run away from it quickly, last week they said they weren't as busy as they usually are so I'll see how I get on tomorrow. I feel such pressure in my head, physically, when I'm around people for a while and I want to get away and I dissociate a bit. At the same time I want to be able to have some close connections. I don't know how to figure out what I am capable of and what would give me some enjoyment. Why should I have enjoyment anyway? Adult life is just about responsibilities.
My family was fine until I was born. I am the common factor in all hurt that has happened to my family. It's so clear. Everything would have been ok if I hadn't been born. There really is no point to me being here. I'm only trying to avoid causing my brother trauma through my death but I cause him trauma by being alive anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks. I've to go tomorrow instead because they were at an event today. I was thinking of saying I couldn't come today anyway. I'm not sure if I want to go tomorrow but I said I would. I never know how long to persevere with things.
How does anyone even cope with having no joy in life? My previous psychologist used to say something about how there are two kinds of 'moving' that people do; moving away to avoid something painful or moving towards something good. He said I mostly move away from painful things. I can't see anything to move towards. There are no activities I want to be doing, no jobs I feel able to do, little social contact I feel able to deal with, no hope of treatment since I have seen many psychologists in my life and nothing has come of it.
The decision to live or to die is only about what will be least traumatic for my brother because there can't be anything good for him when it comes to me. That's sad. If I stay alive I will be a chronic trauma creator for him, if I kill myself I will give him one big burst of trauma but he'll eventually stop hurting. It's 17 years this year since our Mum died and I rarely feel upset about it now, 8 years since our Dad died and I pretty much feel nothing. Give my brother some time and he will no longer mourn me. I need some relief for me and for my brother, or I just need to get out of life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
What's the point? What's the point? What's the point? I can't get away from misery for long enough. I saw my CPN today which is basically the only thing I keep plodding through the days to get to, she's off in a fortnight so I won't see her until 3 weeks time. I don't want to only have appointments to hold on to. I'm too distressed around people after a certain amount of time that I can't have good relationships. I am alone. I hate myself so much. I don't see any way to make things better.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I know that you are really struggling right now. Is there any kind of outpatient treatment that you could be a part of other than the volunteering? I have learned a lot from a DBT program. Would it be helpful for you to spend more time with your brother as you seem to care about him the most. Do you feel any better when you are posting here to help others? I wish that there was more to say to help.
