I'm an idiot. Hurt myself for the first time in over a year. Waited a few days, went to A&E, was supposed to go to the burns unit in the city the next day - didn't. Went to see the nurse at the GP surgery today and she dressed it and said they'll need to dress it every day this week. She wanted me to go to the burns unit, but I really, really can't. I'm not asking anyone to take me and I can't do public transport at the moment. So I'm back there tomorrow morning for a dressing change and so they can review it. Ugh. I don't ****ing know. I'm a dick head.
I don't know. It's too hard. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. I feel so anxious that I could vomit.
I've got uni results coming up (the 30th) and I'm pretty sure I've failed. I didn't submit two assignments because I'm an idiot, so was doing some of the final assignment (which everything rests on) without having studied anything. Ugh. If I've failed, I will hate myself.
Work are going to be really short in a couple of weeks because someone's going on maternity leave, the maternity cover is pregnant and unwell and someone is on annual leave. We were supposed to be getting cover, but it's been pulled, so we've got two people coming in on days they should be on holiday. I'm so upset because I can't help them out as much as I should be helping them out. I cried at work. They say they understand and that they don't want me to do any more, but it still feels really, really ****. I should be able to work full-time like a normal person, you know?
I just HATE it. I hate all of it. I feel sick.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
You are 100% not stupid or an idiot, you are brave and hard working and you struggle like we all do. I'm glad you managed to eventually get treatment for your burn, please keep up with the treatment in whatever way you can cope with it. Does anyone know about all of the things that are making you anxious etc right now? Waiting for uni results is stressful, it sounds like you have tried your best and hopefully the outcome will be a good one. You can't change anything now but I know it's hard not to think about things and worry.
You do so much for your employer, you really push yourself. There is no 'need' to work full time etc, I understand your beliefs about that and combining them with your hateful feelings towards yourself but you really are doing what you can and that's more than ok. It's not your fault that you are unwell and struggle at times. You are a very worthwhile person and I wish you could be kinder to yourself. Try not to judge yourself too much or ruminate about things although I know that's really difficult to do. I hope things get better for you soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Cancelled the nurse appointments online. Ended up with an infection, so have had to faff about with the OOH GP today. He was kind, but I just feel like a ****. Need to try and take the drugs as I've ended up on IV antibiotics in the past for not getting infections seen to, and I don't want that to happen again. I struggle so, so much with taking them though. I don't know what it is. I'm not suicidal and I don't want to become unwell, so I don't know what my problem is. Just swallow the things, you know?
Saw my CC on Wednesday, but didn't tell her then. Managed to text her on Thursday explaining and she phoned me, so at least that's out of the way. I'm seeing her on Thursday (sticking to the original plan) and I've got a routine psychiatrist appointment on the 7th, so have support. I have such a good life. I just get so ****ing terrified. Preventative measures, you know? Though I'm frustrated that I can't just face what's coming for me and went through with the self-harm, I do feel better for it. I feel safe again. Not from myself, I'm always safe from myself, it's just the other things. Yuck.
I'm really worried about Monday. I have a mandatory medication review with a prescribing pharmacist at my GP surgery. I'm not allowed to get my next prescription without attending, so have to go, but I don't want to bump into the nurse that I cancelled with. Or speak to anyone at reception, because they made the appointments after the nurse walked up with me to make sure I made them. I just... I cannot. But I have no choice, really. I hate confrontation. It's such a small surgery that there's nowhere to hide in the waiting room.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Medication review was fine. This deteriorated a bit though and I ended up having to go to the burns unit. Being admitted overnight next Wednesday for a skin graft. They were kind, but I am ****. I told Mum, my friend and my Aunt today though and feel a bit better for it. It was a lot to deal with on my own and I spent £90 on taxis to get there and back today and it is just not a long term solution. So Mum is going to take me on Wednesday and my Nan is going to pick me up on Thursday.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I'm also really glad you are letting people know and support you. I don't think you are horrible for needing support or for struggling, though I can appreciate it might feel that way. I hope things go okay with the admission and it stays super short. <3
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
