Death is so unknown, maybe it doesn't end the pain. It certainly doesn't end the pain for the people in your life. Maybe there are safe ways to ease the pain while still living. I know it can sometimes take a long time to find them though. How are you getting on now?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm not good. Far from it.
But, I don't plan on dying or feel like taking my life.
I'm safe. That is all.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I know the feeling of being safe but still struggling. Sometimes it can seem like people aren't really bothered as long as you are safe but I think it's important to know that your feelings are valid and important whether you are safe or not. Have you got any ideas about where to go from here?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah, it's official. I'm going to die. I just want my family to know I love them and this isn't their fault.
I hope my dog will be well taken care of when I'm gone. I wish he could understand why I have to do this.
Once again.....I'm sorry.
I failed at life.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
You haven't failed at life, you are still living and while you're still alive there is hope and a chance of life getting better. I know this sounds all cliche but it's true.
What can we/anyone do to get you through the night safe? Do you want to make a plan on what to do next and what you can put in place to make things a bit easier for you?
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
The only plans I'm making right now are how I want to die and when.
Also, what will happen to my dog once I'm gone....
edit: To whomever it may concern, I'm not going to die tonight. That much I can promise. After that all bets are off.
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 02-03-2018 at 03:33 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I can understand that it is difficult to see past dying and plans to die..can you plan to give yourself another week and seeing how things go? I know a week can feel like an eternity but a lot of things can happen in a week.
Do you have any form of professional support at the moment?
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
There are no definite plans at this moment. So, it may be another week. It may be another month. It may be tomorrow. I don't know.
It's only a matter of time before I'm living on the streets and starving to death anyway. I just need to end it all before that happens. Maybe it is "taking the easy way out" but I'll be saving myself a lot of pain and heartache and I really feel like I'll be doing the right thing.
Once again, therapy is not an option for me. Even if I wanted it, I can't afford it. Especially now since I have no job.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
As I've said before, I don't have the money to see a doctor or a psychiatrist and based on my number of bad experiences, I don't believe in therapists. I both fear and hate them!
However, is there anyway I could get some sort of free counseling? I've heard online counseling may be a thing? I MIGHT be willing to give that a shot.
If not, then I am fully prepared to do what I need to do. I've already got all my affairs in order except for rehoming my dog which will be the last thing I do before I die.
Please help if you can!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
There are a lot of places that offer free/low cost counselling to those who have no income and are uninsured. As far as ones specific to your area, you might have to do a bit of research. A lot of universities have free/low cost clinics because their students will be the ones you see. These are actually pretty decent because the students are very up to date on recent treatment modalities and have high levels of supervision. You could in general just try something like psychology today or look up clinics that take medicaid and ask them for resources. Any therapist or professionals you contact typically will offer you referrals. So if they can't do a no fee/sliding scale, they will hopefully try to refer you to places you can. Places that take medicaid are going to be more likely to work with you if you are under/uninsured, and are going to be more likely to know of other resources.
I've not found any free online counselling, though I've heard people say talkspace is helpful. It's 200$ a month though which is pretty steep for those of us out there with limited funds. So likely that won't be an option for you. Online counselling is a thing but due to HIPAA (HIPPA? acronym) it's still hard to find. There are only certain softwares that you can use for it, and the provider has to be licensed in the state where you are located and in the state where they are located, etc. It gets a bit complicated, and they typically don't take insurance so is entirely self pay.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Yeah.....none of that really works for me. Especially when you mention HIPAA (spelled like that) violations. I've experienced that before and not gonna take that chance again. I'm also not about to put my life in the hands of some 20-year (possibly drunk) college intern who's yet to experience the world.
Thanks for your help Auror but I can't put myself through any of that. Oh well.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I think you misinterpreted. There's just very specific HIPAA (thanks, I always forget which spelling it is!) guidelines that online counseling has to follow, in terms of the provider being licensed properly, and in terms of software you can use to communicate. That's all I meant. It's still so new that not many providers are willing to do it, and most insurances won't cover it. That's why it's usually just entirely self pay. I'd go that route myself if i could afford it, as I think it could be really beneficial for people. There are of course the crisis lines and crisis chat/text that operate via text and internet that you can always use, but it's obviously not the same as ongoing support.
As far as the university clinics, as I said. Guidelines and supervision are really strict, and these are typically doctoral students. These aren't your general 20 year old college students. These are upper level masters and PhD students who are in their last year or two and take their work very seriously. I've had some of my best experiences with them because they are a lot more flexible and open minded, and often less jaded than providers who have been in practice for many decades.
It sounds like you're generally just unwilling in general to try any type of treatment. Which is your choice. But you're also creating a self fulfilling prophecy for yourself, and by no means have you then exhausted all of the options that exist for you. If you never open yourself up to the possibility of getting help, then there really isn't any way things can change. It doesn't sound like you're happy as you are. So really, do you have a lot to lose? If you put yourself out there and it doesn't help, you're still unhappy so nothing has really changed. But if not, then you never even open yourself up to the possibility or option of things being different. Which means you've left a lot of options unexplored.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
You sound upset. I didn't mean to upset you! I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person. I promise I'm not always like this. It's just that staring down the barrel of the strong possibility of living on the streets in a few weeks can really mess a person up. And yes, it's tough when I have a legitimate fear of the one profession that may be able to save me. Therapy literally scares me more than dying at this point!
Here's the deal. I have a death date in mind. In complying with the rules, I won't say that date here (take note Mods). On that day, I will make the ultimate choice between life and death. I feel the only way for me to truly be saved is for my life to improve. I have a small list of things that need to happen or changes that need to be made in my life in order for me to choose life on that day. A lot of it is in my control. What I can promise is that I will do everything in my power and spend every once of my own energy to make sure those changes happen. That's all I can do. I don't really want to die! I'm just so tired of being a failure!
Once again, I'm sorry....
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I'm not upset. I can really empathise with you, but not upset. You don't have to answer to me or try to prove anything to me. Just the way I see things is that if you need things to improve or change and your only other option you think you have is death, then you have nothing to lose by trying to get help. It might be hard and scary, but if things are already that bad, then at least it might be hard and scary with the option that things can change. It doesn't take away the option of death, but it does mean you maybe explore what other options could exist. Which if you really don't want to die, seems like it would be worth making sure you have exhausted all other options.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Well, I think the best option besides death at this point is to do what I can on my own to improve life.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
