I'm now in a hospital in Manchester, and I'm not sure what is going on, all I've been told is that there are no plans to discharge me yet and I'm allowed some leave.
Sorry I'm not on much don't have much internet.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Bouncing around, feel quite ambivalent right now about everything and anything
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Ok... I guess it's ironic that I am here. Just recently had Psych clinicals... most definitely one of my favorite types of clinicals for school so far. Maybe because I am so vested in it? Idk. It was a great experience, but I just kept thinking to myself that I had no right to be trying to coach psych inpatients when I still haven't figured my own stuff out. I kept thinking that, by every right, I should be locked up in there too. THat if someone were to see through me, they wouldn't have let me leave the building. I just go on hoping that I find a way out of my life, and that I didn't mess up any of theirs. It was therapeutic in a way, to talk to the patients, and help them work out treatment plans, and goals, to separate myself for a while, but in the end, did I have the right to be a fake, to wear my mask, and tell them not to hide, not to keep their emotions closed in, to help them heal, while I cannot?
Now I am just overly anxious. I felt like I was going to explode while I was there, but at the same time, I was so calm outside. It was comfortable to be there with them, to try and make a difference, to see the people who were healing. It was beautiful.
And now I am rambling. sorry
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
I keep coming so close to losing it... its like looking at the precipice and not falling... I am tired of standing on the edge. Eventually, I guess I will have to let go and see where it takes me I guess. I am tired of being pushed around, told to do stuff like I am a little kid at work (I am one of the youngest at where I work, so that's why lol. Most of the staff is older than me.) I am tired of having to bail people out, and stuff at home is making me rage. I don't have anywhere to go with it. I have resisted so far turning it against myself, but that won't last much longer >.<
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
*hugs Mousie* You are actually the perfect person to help them if you think about it. You know more of what they are going through than most people who see them. Not a fake. Not at all.
*hugs Mark and everyone else who's been in of late*
excuse me while i have a total meltdown *hides in a corner and lets go of the rest of my mind*
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
on a trip for nursing school.... trying to figure out if this is going to be beneficial or not.... I feel more alone than I ever have been, away from my routines and habits... not so much that I am homesick, just that my OCD is really in high gear right now, but I can't clean other peoples stuff.
idk. Maybe it will be a good time away from everyone at home to reset my mind, or maybe I will really go off the deep end this time. Who knows.
*curls up in the corner*
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
“Never lose faith in yourself,
and never lose hope;
remember, even when this world throws its worst and then turns its back,
there is still always hope.”
