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Old 21-08-2018, 12:06 PM   #21
MunchBox
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Thank you. She's better now.
I have a GP appointment next week but to get stronger painkillers.
I've been burning all over but it's never enough. I need to destroy myself.



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Old 22-08-2018, 11:37 AM   #22
Pi.R^2
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I'm glad your sister is better now.

Why do you feel that you need to destroy yourself? Are your mental health team of the extent of your self harm at the moment?



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 22-08-2018, 08:58 PM   #23
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I feel like I need to punish myself for what I have done.
The burns aren't enough.
Therapist knows, CPN doesn't.

I keep on burning over the same area, every time the nurse puts a dressing on I can't help but take it off to burn. I've got another appointment with her tomorrow. Think this will be my last one, I'll deal with it myself.



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Old 23-08-2018, 12:36 AM   #24
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Punish yourself for what? I'm glad that your therapist knows and I hope that they're doing something to help you work through your urges to self harm.



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 23-08-2018, 06:22 PM   #25
MunchBox
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For putting myself in the position to be hurt by a stranger.
A bought a tool because I'd rather cut than burn, which makes no sense.

But, Ive had my first shower in over 3 weeks so that's an achievement.



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Old 23-08-2018, 08:06 PM   #26
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It's not your fault Mary. We are all really in a position to be hurt by a stranger at any time. That stranger had a huge part to play. How are you getting on with your therapy? I'm glad you managed to tell your therapist. You have been 'punished' more than enough and I'm sure you punish yourself far too much with words as it is let alone self harm. I understand feeling like you need to be punished but it's so sad as you haven't done anything punishable. I know it's not easy to change your viewpoint or be kind to yourself though.

Did you see the nurse today?

Huge well done for having a shower. Take things bit by bit if it all feels too much right now.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-09-2018, 12:23 PM   #27
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Thank you and sorry for the late reply.

I cut my other breast last week, went to a&e got given antibiotics for the other burn but didn't take them. Then I ODd went by ambulance a few days after cutting. The whole experience was distressing and I couldn't stop crying but got over it. Went to the nurse and she said both were infected and gave me even more antibiotics which I still haven't taken, my muscles were aching and I had a temperature so I've been taking paracetamol and my temperature has gone back to normal and my wounds are healing.

I did go to the GP because my breasts were on fire and I was in pain and because he was male, this woman came in and I was pretty sure she was the medical receptionist. I was uncomfortable and anxious and I felt like crying and then I saw that the word rape was on the computer screen.

Nothing is going right. I don't think I have a future. I really wanted the infection to kill my horrid self.



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Old 03-09-2018, 05:11 PM   #28
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I reported the rape.



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Old 03-09-2018, 06:07 PM   #29
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Everything sounds so emotionally raw and painful right now. Well done for reporting the rape, how are you feeling about reporting it? The experiences with going to A&E and with seeing the GP do sound very distressing, I can understand why you'd be distraught. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much that you wish you had died from the infection, that is really sad to hear. I know the feeling of hopelessness but I'd like to think that it's just a feeling and that we all have hope in some form whether we can see it or not. I hope things start to improve for you soon.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-09-2018, 08:18 PM   #30
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Well done Mary; I can't imagine how hard that must have been. How are you feeling? What did they say the next steps would be?



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 03-09-2018, 08:30 PM   #31
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Thank you Lindsay and Jenna.

I feel apathetic about reporting it.
I had such vivid memories and did things to get rid of the thoughts and images, I even called a rape crisis line and cried to them but then I made the decision which was to ultimately bring me closure and nothing else because I know they'd be no arrest or anything.

It was hard though, to give them a brief description and because of the fact I went back to him for some stupid reason he said it'll be a bit more complicated.

Jenna, the next step is a phone call tomorrow. Seeing my cpn tomorrow too.

I told my mum because I don't know the procedure, she didn't care as long as the police don't come to the house. In regards to that, it's probably the best response I could get.



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Old 03-09-2018, 11:39 PM   #32
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I'm so proud of you. <3

Here if there's anything I can do.



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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Old 04-09-2018, 12:44 AM   #33
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Thank you so much, Hannah <3



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Old 04-09-2018, 01:16 AM   #34
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That was such a brave decision! I know it will probably trigger a lot for you but I think it was the right decision and have a lot of respect for you for making it. I hope you manage to keep safe.





*Proud Plumeria Sister*







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Old 04-09-2018, 01:23 AM   #35
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You're kind, Pomergrante.

You all are, I stupidly feel like I don't deserve all these kind messages but I will happily accept them <3



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Old 04-09-2018, 02:53 PM   #36
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I'm so anxious. I didn't sleep all night. They haven't called and CPN is coming soon. I'm overwhelmed.



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Old 04-09-2018, 08:16 PM   #37
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How did it go with your CPN etc? You 100% deserve kind messages, I'm sorry you don't feel able to see that you do deserve kindness.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-09-2018, 08:58 PM   #38
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It went well. She's going to enquire about supported accomadation because she feels like my home life is toxic.

Also book me in for respite.

I'm seeing her with my therapist next Wednesday for a session. They think that'll be benefical.

The police didn't call.



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Old 04-09-2018, 10:18 PM   #39
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They just called.
Someone's going to contact me next week to meet, he asked if it was urgent and I said no. He said from the little he knows, there's really no case but he'll talk about that with me next week. He read back what I told the 101 person that i went back and had sex with him, I know I'm being judged. I should never have contacted them. What the fuck was I thinking?



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Old 05-09-2018, 12:57 AM   #40
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Even if there isn't a case (and I don't know, there could be), what the guy did was still wrong, and when someone says no, and the other person keeps going, it's still rape. And it's good that you stood up, because if people never say anything about things they go through, the silence will continue, and wrongs will continue to be done. I think you did the right thing.



I changed my password everywhere to "incorrect". That way, when I forget it, it always reminds me, "Your password is incorrect."


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