Out of spoons

[Buttons.]

I've tried to say it to her but she just backs off until I apologise and we keep pretending.

[Auror.]

I think it was really brave of you to meet with the police given I know you've had bad experiences in the past.

I can relate to what you're saying about not being able to get away from dealing with things. I think sometimes for family members it's easier for them to forget about it because once we're out of sight or not talking to them, they can pretend it doesn't exist. Where for us there's no off switch.

I'm really sorry things with your mum are so hard. It's okay to care about her even if she's done awful things. I guess what's hard is learning to set boundaries and learning when other people just aren't going to change. I know that doesn't make things okay, but if your mum is the way she is, it might just unfortunately be something where you have to know you just can't talk about things on an emotional level with her. That's a bit how I am with mine. That doesn't make it okay, that doesn't make it easy to do, and that certainly doesn't mean you can't want things to be different. But I guess it's also part of dealing with other people when you can't change them.

I know that doesn't help. I'm sorry you are in this situation. You deserve closure with this and support, and I'm glad you at least have your dog.

[Bellatrix]

To add - you have seen how I have had to adjust my relationship with my dad to make it work. It sucks and it makes me angry that I have to say things certain ways to allow us to have a somewhat healthy relationship but that's the way it has become for now.

[Buttons.]

Camden that made a lot of sense thanyou for writing, and same to you J. I just can't help feeling so lost. Although dog helps (she knows when I;m 8upset and licks my face)

[Auror.]

Also sorry if this is a dumb question but is moving to a more accessible flat just not possible? I know you mentioned that being an issue before.

Thinking of you.

[Buttons.]

I'm still waiting for a disabled friendly place Camden. But unfotunately they are in short supply. And also it has to have an enclosed garden for the dog I point blank refuse to move somewhere she doesn't have that. That's not the reason I haven't moved just a factor.

Ugh and I smell of infection. With some reason as parts of me are infected but I think on the most part it's olfactory hallucinations, which would explain why I keep smelling fire when there is none.

[Auror.]

I totally get it, I'm the same with my dog.

With the smells, does your dog or anything else have a specific scent that you can kind of use to try to help reorient? I know for me if I smell familiar things that I know are okay, like clean sheets or my dog (even if she could use a bath lol) that can sometimes help figure out if things are real or not?

Also glad there is not actual fire!!!

[Buttons.]

Yeah the smell of my dog helps me come back to reality.

Yes I'm very glad there isn't an actual fire too but I keep having to check because I can smell it. I even have a sodding plan, get the dog out first so she won't get hurt even if she does do a runner better than in a flaming house and I'll try and find a wheelchair way of getting out. If I can't sod it. So long as I know she is okay.

[Buttons.]

Last night I banged my head transferring and it took the dog barking and licking my face to get me back round. In other news the voices are getting out of hand.... I am just so tired of everything and letting everyone down.

[nonperson]

Hope your head is ok, Buttons. Is it worth getting checked out? That sounds like a pretty serious bang.

Are you telling people that the voices getting worse? Who are you letting down?

[one_step_closer]

Tired of everything is understandable. I think rather than letting other people down it's the other people who are letting you down though. Please reach out if you need to.

[Buttons.]

They are looking for a psych bed. And also concerned I had seizures after the head bang. I don't know. I would say I'm passed caring but my dog... she means the world to me and social services have said if psych find a bed they will make sure she is taken care of

[one_step_closer]

Both you and your dog are important, I hope that you will both be well looked after.

[Auror.]

I hope you are looked after, but yes I also get your dog being the most important thing to you. <3

[Buttons.]

There are no beds. Apparently I am in emergency but not the most pressing one. How treatment didn’t even make time to see me. I feel even more alone and worthless.

[nonperson]

You're not worthless, Buttons. Don't give up hope, I'm sure they're working on finding a bed for you. Have you got support (professional or otherwise) in the meantime?

[tamobhuuta]

Are you having the crisis/htt while you wait for a bed?

[one_step_closer]

You're not worthless at all, and I hope you aren't really alone either. I know it's hard when you need support and there isn't enough around for everyone who needs it. How have you been managing since? We are here for you in whatever way we can be.

[Buttons.]

Thnsk everybody for their responses Np, Tambo and Lins. Home treatment have agreed to phone and see me but I really wouldn't put money on it. Yesterday they did come and see me but said talking about bad things was awkard so could we talk about the dog -_- I don't mind talking about the dog she is a legend but I kind of needed them to acknowledge that things are pretty shit for me right now. I know that makes me sound selfish.

[tamobhuuta]

I don't think that is selfish, they should be there to listen.