when i was 5 or 6 my older sister who is 5 years older played games with me. we shared a room and i ussaly slept in her bed becuase i was scared of the dark. i remember her telling me about a game her friends played where they touched each other under the teachers desk. i rember her telling me to kiss or suck her breasts and genitals. i remember her telling me how to do it right. she told me how to spell sex and told me to say it again and again. sometimes {near the end,when i got a bit older} she would pretend she was sleeping, but i knew and she would pretty much try to get me to do those things to her. i think she did that to help her guilt. anyways, i dont know if it was sexual abuse. and i wanted to know what others thought since i still havnt really told anyone.
one thing that stops me from thinking it was sexual abuse is that at the time i didnt think it was bad. it didnt scare me and i actually enjoyed it. but i think i was too young to really understand what was happening. I read a thread on a diff. website. a mother wanted to know if her son was just playing "doctor" or was being sex. abused by a 11 yr old boy. her son was 5 and they had been "experimenting". well what was said there was that the older boy would know better than the 5 year old. and that he wouldnt behave that way with adult and the 5 year old didnt understand that adults had given those parts another use.(sex). anyways i did understand though what sex was. or more i knew what it was but i doubt at 5 or 6 i could have understood what it was.
so is it still sexual abuse????
and if it is what should i do?
i mean she stopped but idk how long it took for her to stop.
she is older and my mothers absolute favorite. she has a different father than me and my mother doesnt like my father and thinks im jsut like him and stuff like that. the point is that my mother supports my sister and is always denying any wrong doing on her part, or justifys it.
i wrote her a letter once like a note that i left on her desk. it said i was upset becasue she hadnt noticed how i had been depressed the year before becuase my older sister had been and that i was mad that she hadnt been there when "she made me play those sex games".
i said that and i had been scared to. at the time i was mad and just wanted her to know already.
but idk, i guess she didnt get the hint becusae she never asked about it like i had hoped. i guess i want her to ask about it. i ratherher find out about it by "accident" and then "force " me to tell her.
i jsut odnt know if i should say anything at all......
im 15 now but i relaize that what happened effects me so much now.
eerynight before i fall asleep i think about sex and "fantazise" i guess.( my sister also mad us make up sex stories and "roleplay") ive never really been far with a guy.but when i was in middle school i wanted to.
im kind of a mean person but that mostly becase im insecure and was bullied in middle and grade school. and at home. but i say crude and sexual things all the time. some of my friends do too, it normal but i doubt i would be the same if it hadnt happened.
im worrying that im dweling to much but i think i need to resolve it to get over my problems.i really dont want to grow up and have relationship problems becuase of this.
any advice would be very helpfull!!!!
and thankyou in advance for reading this all (of you did)
i know its long but this is the first time i "told" anyone about it.
