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Triggering (SI) - Do i have the right to feel as bad as i do now?
This is the part where i want to write down my life story and i want to know and to think if i have a reason or if i have the right to feel how i feel as miserable now,....
My family consists of me and my older brother and a younger sister , When i was a little child about the age of 8 i lost my mum due to cancer that was shocking for me to lose my mum ,cause i was a kid that time ,i trusted hope cause u didn't think and i didn't know that life can be so unfair to take my mum away from me ,
i didn't know what to do that was a shock to all of my family ,my mum was a sister and a wife and she was a teacher so i can't pretend that it only affected me , i tried to move on this tragedy and to stand up again ,at the age around 14 i got really sick and i went through hospitals many times ,being left alone so many times cause my dad has to work my brother needs to study my sister,she doesn't give a damn.
i soak it up all i sued to do never faced anyone with what i hate about them with my fear ,never told anyone or asked for a thing ,that started growing in me ,to closed up to myself and to conserve everything ,this way no one would hurt me for knowing my weaknesses , and i kept on praying for the daily wish i didn't want anyone to notice me ,to talk with me ,to touch me ,to ask me how i feel ,to ask me to do something ,i didn't wanna anyone to notice that they are spending money on me not even to the minimum not a dollar i just hated every wasted second on me every pinny !
and i wanted to vanish ,started breaking down at school where my grades were so low and that brought to me all this hated attention why the hell my grades are low and the daily lecture that i have to do better ,
Now i finished school and i'm at university ,my dad and step mum are so proud of my grades now and now at university all the low grades are back ,so all the frustration all the hated attention is coming back again and at this point when i returned being under a spot light i started self-injury ,trying my best to hide the scars the pain was so sweet with every slice my inner pain faded ..not needing anyone's help ot time to waste on me just the razor ,the first few months the cuts were shallow and take less than a week to heal so my thighs were looking perfectly normal , but as time went be it bacome a habit then addiction then a need and so goes on the cycle ,the cuts got deeper and deeper needed stitches sometimes but never told anyone about it .
Once it got out of my control and i couldn't stop the bleeding for 30 minutes and it was wide open i didn't want it to get infected so....i told my step mum that i cut she was shocked but she took it nicely but the why i told her is i wanted to check it out by a nurse to see the wound it scared me ,but i lost my courage to continue what i wanted her to do and so regret it even more next morning feeling more guilt cutting deeper into flesh ,i acted that i stopped for a while lying to her o i stopped now it's all fine ,she is convinced and she told no one so no one knows about it now ....
And now with the low academic grades and the chance to have a warning from university i'm heading to extreem suicidal behaviour so moved up to my wrist which i cover 247 with a sweat warmer and wearing kind of long sleeved tops no one knows about it,
I tried killing myself few times ,guilt eats me and everything in my whole life seem to gather against me ,All that i wanted is to be invisable and to make my parents proud ,so what do i get in return? Only pain and agony ,depression and mesiry ....
Adding my low self-esteem makes it even harder to breath
My wrist is so wounded BUT so is my core ..
Do i have the right to feel this ?am i just spoiled?
sometimes i feel like i'm palying in a play because i'm the most affected ,and with the mood swings ,i don't know....
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