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Old 09-01-2020, 07:52 PM   #21
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Thank you both.

I could take a little walk although I may have to weigh up the risks. It's definitely worth considering as a way to potentially regroup. I work alone but my manager is usually able to allow me to be flexible with my work, so that if I don't get all the cleaning done on a Friday, I'm often permitted to come and finish off on a Saturday, which really helps me if I'm struggling.

Camden, I really like that idea about taking nature items and favourite photos of nature to work. I think I will also focus on anything that's already at work which is alive, ie plants. I think that could be very grounding. And nature sounds are a good idea too, I think I'll take my headphones tomorrow.

I may make some flashcards to remind me to breathe and to try to accept what might be happening rather than getting in a tizzy over it.

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Old 10-01-2020, 08:28 PM   #22
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How did you manage today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-01-2020, 08:35 PM   #23
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Actually surprisingly well. Thank you for asking.

I took both yours and Camden's encouragement and thoughts and managed to play some grounding 'games' at work and create a safe 'corner' as well.

As silly as it sounds, I feel both proud and guilty. I feel guilty that I enjoyed the process of helping myself in this way, as though suffering is all that's deserved. But I also feel proud and grateful that I did feel more empowered.

I also did a thing. Despite how much I probably overshare on RYL, I'm actually very closed with regards to talking about my mental health difficulties IRL. Most people know I have them, but it's not spoken about, which is fine. But today I shared my positive experiences of grounding and 'admitted' by extension that I sometimes struggle with dissociation on a social media account which my friends and family see.

I hope it will help people, but also I am so tired of hiding and being ashamed. Though, I also feel quite exposed and guilty and like what the hell was I thinking?! But I'm sure it will be fine.

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Old 10-01-2020, 08:38 PM   #24
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So proud of you. <3







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Old 10-01-2020, 08:39 PM   #25
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Awww, thank you lovely <3

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Old 10-01-2020, 08:39 PM   #26
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That's really positive, well done. I can understand your guilty feelings but you wouldn't believe that other people only deserve suffering, right? You are allowed to find ways to make things feel easier for you. That's so amazing that you have shared some things with people IRL, I know how difficult and scary that can be. I hope it does help some people and that it helps you to feel like you can be more honest. Do you have much support IRL?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-01-2020, 11:30 PM   #27
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I'm also proud of you. You try really hard and that is absolutely something you have a ride to be proud of and share with folks irl.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 11-01-2020, 02:01 PM   #28
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Thank you both. I really appreciate that.

I definitely wouldn't think other people only deserve suffering, no. I don't know why it's different for me and is perhaps something to step back and reflect on. Guilt/shame are strong emotions influencing the way I do things and I suspect may take time to get to the root cause of, but in the meantime trying to be aware of that conflict will be helpful rather than just unwittingly undermining myself.

I do have a lot of support IRL which I'm grateful for. We tend not to have conversations around my mental health (partly because I don't know how to initiate them and partly because I'm quite private) but there's an underlying supportiveness anyway and generally a trust that I won't be judged by the people closest to me.

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Old 11-01-2020, 03:09 PM   #29
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I can relate a lot to putting yourself down and being influenced by guilt/shame. It's good that you recognise that and I hope that maybe you can label it as that in the future and try not to be too harsh with yourself. I'm glad you have some good support, let people be there for you if you can.

How are you today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-01-2020, 08:33 PM   #30
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Thank you xx I'm feeling better today I think. I sometimes... well, often... struggle to manage to do things with my day. Most of it is spent almost obsessively scrolling through my phone, if there's nowhere I definitely need to be, like I'm afraid to move.

But I'm trying to learn techniques to change that. I think I'm going to get a whiteboard thing to put up on the wall so I can plan and maybe even carry out tasks. I'm trying to break things down into smaller chunks so instead of cleaning the kitchen, it's just washing a few dishes. Just learning how to put one foot in front of the other, really.

I struggle a lot with how meaningless my life feels. I have a lot of triggers I try to avoid, and I guess facing them will take work. I don't even know what a lot of them are, I do so much avoiding. But I'm going to college in a couple of months so I'll need to try.

I'll stop rambling now.

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Old 11-01-2020, 11:37 PM   #31
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It really does sound like you are trying really hard. Breaking things down can be helpful, and I love whiteboards. I actually have one with days of the week on it. You can get plain ones or all sorts of ones with a month, week, or other things for what you think might help best. Plus best part, different colors and types of dry erase markers! I think a lot of people struggle with things feeling meaningless or pointless, and that isn't inherently bad or wrong. Have you ever thought about your values or what core beliefs are really important to you? For me, thinking about those and how I can make choices in my life that align with those values gives me a bit of purpose when I am struggling.

What are you going to be doing at college?!



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Old 12-01-2020, 11:44 AM   #32
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That sounds good. I like putting reminders in my phone so I can delete them when I've done them and see the list getting smaller and smaller. Ticking off things can be good too, maybe your whiteboard would allow you to see what you achieve. I think it's important to acknowledge the things that you achieve that you might not have written on a whiteboard, also. The small things, they are great achievements too.

Do you think going to college will make your life feel like it has a bit of a point at least? Try to use the support services at college if they would help with things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-01-2020, 04:47 PM   #33
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Thank you both.

I'm definitely going to look for a white board with days of the will on. And colourful whiteboard pens sound awesome. I'm not really sure what my core values are, I think it'll be work I do along the way in therapy. It's difficult to know what my core self is in many ways (I don't have a very good sense of self) but I think authenticity is important, kindness and trying to help the world in some way. I'm going to be studying Reflexology and Anatomy and Physiology at college :)

You're so right about the small achievements being important, Lindsay. I think I forget or I undermine myself with those things, or most things really. I need to take a step back and acknowledge the everyday challenges.

I absolutely think college will give me a huge sense of meaning. It's really significant to me. I'm utterly terrified though. So hoping it's going to work out.

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Old 12-01-2020, 05:13 PM   #34
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Do you have specific worries about college? Will you use the support services?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-01-2020, 09:01 PM   #35
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I think being scared or worried about something shows how important it is to you. I'd almost be more concerned if you weren't. Trying to plan for the unknown (i.e. college) can be really stressful. Hopefully once you start and know more of what to expect and get into a routine, it will be a lot more smooth. Uncertainty in itself can be super stressful. Are there any types of things you can do now to prepare or plan? If not, is there a way to try to work on accepting that it is not a thing that worrying about will change in the present moment?



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Old 13-01-2020, 06:03 PM   #36
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Thank you both. My main fears around college are having flashbacks/dissociating and not feeling in control. My college is really small and doesn't have specific support services. I'm a bit mixed about sharing things with the tutors even though they're fab (I've been there before) I want to try and be professional. I guess part of professionalism is owning your stuff, though.

I will try and do a little work on grounding and anchoring in the next couple of months, plus see if my therapist has any 'tricks of the trade' to work with triggers. She suggested something from Acceptance and Commitment theory today regarding letting go of the struggle and accepting unpleasant things as they are. I can see she's right because it makes the panic worse but in practice it feels insurmountable.

I had a horrible hour last night where I felt like my body had been possessed. It was awful and scary. Today's been basically a less severe version of the same. It's difficult to describe and I'm at a loss really. Just exhausted.

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Old 13-01-2020, 06:45 PM   #37
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How did you get on at college before? It's ok to share things if you're comfortable, if you think you might need some extra support. That's a good idea to try and get some tips from your therapist. My previous psychologist was very into ACT and I too can see how it would be beneficial but it is quite hard to accept things when you're in a distressing moment. I think ACT is really connected with compassion focused therapy too, there might be some things you can take from that if you wanted to do some research.

That does sound scary and very tiring. Does this happen often? I hope the intensity of things keeps reducing and you feel better soon.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2020, 08:02 PM   #38
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I've done a fair bit of ACT before also, and it's something I've found super useful. Much more so than other types of therapy. It does take a little bit of practice to get the hang of some of the skills, but they're a lot about removing judgements from situations and focusing on just being in the moment. It's not the same as mindfulness, but similar. Oddly, I hate mindfulness but I like ACT.

Dissociation sucks. I think there's ways you can approach the tutors and mention it without revealing too much, but also giving them relevant information. I think you can say that sometimes focusing is an issue for you, as well as memory retention, for a couple of examples?



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Old 14-01-2020, 07:26 PM   #39
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Thank you both. Sorry my brain's a bit exhausted to reply properly at the moment but wanted to acknowledge your responses <3

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Old 16-01-2020, 05:16 PM   #40
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I'm sorry I'm still struggling to process a proper reply.

Things are tough. I'm exhausted. I keep telling myself it'll pass but it seems to come in waves and I feel like I'm drowning beneath them.

I know I can do this, but god it hurts. It hurts, it hurts.

Sorry for the vent.

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