I know that there are posts liek this everywhere, and i know that there is no reason why anyone should take time out of their lives to help me, but at least hear me out.
Today i discovered that someone has stolen my stash of speed, and that's pissed me off so much, because i know my friends hate me doing drugs, but theyve never come out to me and told me, i herad that they were planning to sell me vitamins and claim they were E or valium or whatever. So this hasn't really helped my total and utter mistrust and paranoia.
And over the course of today, the voices in my head have been getting louder and angrier, and they keep telling me what a worthless hunk of fat shit i am. it's them that drive me to SI and OD and purge and starve and take drugs and smoke, cos it shuts them up, and even if its only for a day, it makes me so happy that they have gone away cos they piss me off so much because they're right about me
I like to think that i havce a terrible life, but i don't. I have a nice home, a lovely family, plenty of money. So all of this is in my head, all of this pain and depression is in my head, and that just makes me feel so guilty because there are people who have it so much worse than me and here I am complaining like some kind of retard.
I seriously just want to finish my stash, and cut so deep that I go numb, and hopefully never wake up. taht would be so wonderful, because it means i never have to worry about any of this again. The voices will fuck off, my obsession with drugs and self destruction and Alex, my mates will regret doing all this shit to me, and I hope they do! I hope they feel terrible, because they've been such cunts to me. I deserve to be selfish sometimes. Honesatly, I know I'm a messed up retard, being diagnosed with bipolar ocd and a number of EDs told me that, but you don't have to be a cunt all the time to me.
I'm sorry i'm, being so selfish in this thread. I don't really knwo what I want. But i would love to die. And I need reasons not to.
joshy
xxx
p.s. sorry for all the spelling mistakes.
Hold my hand, you are my only friend... [Zariel is my secret kitty lover]
A soundbite now is what you get,
An infidelity here,
That you soon forget,
She has got a body but she's not very tall,
And she can knock them back like a cannonball.
I hear you. Bipolar is a difficult illness to live with, as are OCD and EDs, and I can understand why you would want relief.
There are ways without drugs or self-harm, though. You just have to find ways that work for you.
The voices are wrong. You're not worthless. Everyone has worth. Including you.
You are ill, and deserve understanding and support.
And, yes, it is ok to to be selfish sometimes.
Reasons not to die -- you know yourself and your life best, but I am sure you have moments when you feel good, and your life feels precious, and things you want to do that you've not yet done... hold onto those. And hope. Getting treatment to manage your illnesses so they cause less distress and torment... And because there are people that care.
Thanks for the replies and support. feeling better this morning.
joshy
xxx
Hold my hand, you are my only friend... [Zariel is my secret kitty lover]
A soundbite now is what you get,
An infidelity here,
That you soon forget,
She has got a body but she's not very tall,
And she can knock them back like a cannonball.
I can understand your need for relief from the things you've been diagnosed with, but I can also see why your friends wouldn't want you on drugs. It might be hard to see, but if they don't want you on drugs and are trying to prevent that, they must care. I know that they're probably not going about it in the best way though, so maybe you could talk to them/one of them about it?
Take care of yourself, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now.
x
