If I needed a bed they would look in another hospital. If I needed a bed they wouldn't keep telling me that it's my decision if I accept a bed or not. If I needed a bed I wouldn't have been left waiting for a week already.
I'm obviously safe and that's all that matters. I want to die but I can't seem to achieve it. I really need to find a way to push past anxiety and do X suicide method. At points I feel so tired and think I could be calm enough to do X but in reality anxiety would probably kick in.
How do I die?
I am ready to give up but I can't seem to take the steps myself.
I do not matter.
I am in way too much emotional pain.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I agree, maybe they feel like having a bed on your local ward would be less distressing than having to travel too far from home? Is there anyone you could express your concerns to? You matter very much, though I can understand why it doesn't feel that way.
I know it's all focused on getting me a bed in my usual ward, which I understand. It's just that I really must not need a bed. In this exact moment I'm thinking that if a bed is ever offered to me I'll just say I'm ok at home. I have been safe as in not dead so. I'll likely get to a really distressing place again at some point today and will then think I maybe need to be in hospital but distress is normal for me anyway. The CPN said yesterday that I should make decisions when I'm more calm etc, but I told her that the majority of my life is spent in distress/anxiety/depression etc so why would I base my decisions on a state of mind that isn't my vast reality? I probably can't push past the huge anxiety of attempting suicide so I'll still be alive and that's all that matters.
I'm seeing the CPN on Friday and will see how I am then. She said she could see me today and Friday but I said no thanks. She said my support worker could maybe see me tomorrow but I said no to that also because she just makes me feel worse. If I take a break away from people and from pressure then maybe I can get through this myself. Until it comes back again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Actually no, totally can't keep dealing with this. But a bed in hospital won't change anything either, this whole thing is a complete mess. I am a complete mess and I can't deal with myself or life.
Oh fuck.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Respite would be great. Not sure if hospital is really a place for respite though. I should probably accept a bed if it's offered, even if I feel like I don't need it at that point, because I was convinced I didn't need an admission this morning and now everything is completely overwhelming again.
I can't take a whole lifetime of this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so disconnected from people and I know everyone is judging me. For not going to the gym group, for not doing my gardening, for ignoring everyone.
Even my self harm makes it look like I'm not actually hurting emotionally at all.
By the time a bed is available I'll be told that I've managed over a week at home so far so I may as well stay at home. I'm holding on in the hope that I can get a bit more support in hospital, even just having staff there 24 hours.
But I'd rather have a permanent way out.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN is off this week and next week. She has asked another CPN to phone the ward every day but it looks like there is still no bed. I'm seeing the other CPN tomorrow. There are reviews on the ward on Fridays but i'm not feeling hopeful that there will be a bed for me.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
How frustrating for you. I know it's hard for me when I have to see different people all the time, how are you coping with that? I'm glad that someone is ringing the ward every day, though. How are you feeling tonight?
Had a difficult time with the men and stuff yesterday and had to do some self harming to stop the followers screaming. Wasn't good enough self harm, of course, and that was confirmed when I saw the CPN this morning so it's not just my perception about what is good enough.
There is a bed crisis at the moment and I'm 4th on the list for a bed but that will change if someone needs a bed in an emergency. So it looks like there really isn't much hope of getting a bed any time soon. I bet 4th is last on the list and if someone else needs a bed I will stay at the bottom of the list. I am having a hugely distressing time but I think people don't see that because I can't self harm well enough any more no matter what I do. I understand why I'm not a priority though.
The CPN says she thinks I need to be seeing someone daily at the moment which I'm not too keen on. I can't see anyone on Sunday anyway because there are no buses. I'm seeing the duty CPNs tomorrow. The CPN also spoke to my psychiatrist about maybe prescribing me some meds in the short term, which I'm also not too keen on, and said she'll phone me about it. I hope I'm not sounding ungrateful, because I am very grateful for the support I'm receiving it's just not what's right for me at this time. Nothing can be done about the lack of beds, I know. And there are more and more people killing themselves, so I should really be able to do it. I fucking hate myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I so wish there was something i could do to get you a bed. I think being around other people and at least having the choice of whether to interact withthem or not in a safe environment would be something you desperately need right now.
When something feels so terrible as it feels for you right now it can almost express in a lack of emotions and lack of emotional response. I think maybe that is why it feels to you like they think you are fine. The really sad state of psychiatry means that if you are not self harming badly or attempting to take your own life nobody seems able to get you a bed because it can't be justified financially. It is so ethically wrong on so many levels.
Is there something you can do at home right now to make it easier for you to be in???? Something that could ease the pain a bit??? Make it just a little more bearable???? It could be something as simple as to put on a blanket if you felt cold. Even if seems irrelevant it might still reinforce a belief that you are worthy and you matter. Because you are worthy and you do matter. And we can see and hear your pain. I'm sorry they can't.
If you can find the strentgh for it i think it might be wise to take them up on their offer for extra support. Maybe not daily if that would be too much but at least every other day. You are not taking time from anyone else. You are investing in your continued existence. The system is failing you. You are not failing anyone. You are trying your best to survive.
I really hope they will up their game and get you a bed soon.
Xxx
I saw the duty CPN today and he said that my psych had put in a prescription to start me on Quetiapine, not sure if this is short term or long term, but it's not at the chemist yet anyway. I was reluctant to speak to the CPN because he sounded scary on the phone (the health centre is closed so I had to phone to get him to open the door) but he did a lot of talking and he lives where I spent most of my life plus his Dad was one of my favourite primary school teachers which I didn't know so he was ok to speak to. He said that there might be multiple people discharged at some point so I could get a bed earlier than I expect. I'm sure there will end up being people who need the bed more though.
They didn't give me an appointment with the CPN on Monday which I think is because I'm supposed to see my support worker. I said I'll go to the appointment, but she just makes me feel worse. I don't know how to tell anyone this. I will wait until my own CPN is back anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Ended up in A&E early this morning after my arm swelled up quickly through the night. Phoned NHS 24 first though but they wanted me to go to A&E. It's just an infected burn. I didn't have to speak to psych luckily but the doctor did phone them, I'm worried about who he might have spoken to because if it was someone who hates me they'd think I came to A&E to try and speed up a psych bed or something which I didn't. The doctor said not to hurt myself again and if I feel like I have to or the men are telling me to protect people by harming myself then I should come to A&E. I felt like saying "lol A&E is a terrible place to be when you're mentally distressed." He seemed kind and genuine enough though. I haven't been to A&E in a long time, they have since trained staff on MH stuff and distress brief intervention so maybe it has helped. The psych team are probably still as awful though.
I wanted to ask the doctor if he could help me to die but I didn't. I just said no I'm not thinking about hurting myself again (truth at the time). Life is just a completely pointless cycle of distress.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
