I might need help

[centuries]

Hi, sorry, I think this is going to be quite long... also sorry for my weird sounding English. I just really need get a few things out and I don't really know who to talk to, so I hope it's ok to write here.

I have been struggling with some problems of the last few years and I thought I was able to deal with them but lately I think that everything is completely getting out of control and that I maybe need some help, which I find hard to admit because I see what kind of things other people are dealing with while I just cause all my problems myself and probably wouldn't have any if I just pulled myself together. I literally don't have any real problems. I come from a normal, nice family, I'm not struggling financially and I just started studying at a reputable university, so I don't even have to worry about what I'll be doing with my life for the next few years. My life is perfectly fine, so I have no idea why I still feel like **** most of the time and I can't explain to anyone what my problem is because apparently my life is problem-free. The only problem in my life is myself and my ability to function like a normal human being. I used to think that my problems were normal and the kind of thing that almost every teenager goes through but after I started to really look at the things I've been thinking and doing for the last few years, I realised that I've probably been suffering from depression and an eating disorder for years and that I literally have zero self-esteem and spend an impressive amount of my time contemplating ways to destroy myself. I am obsessed with the idea of damaging myself which is why I don't allow myself to eat properly. I think that I don't derserve food and consider it a sign of my own weakness when I eat more than I had planned. I probably should talk to a doctor but I can't because I'm convinced that no one will ever take me seriously because no one ever did. No one gives a **** about whether I eat or not and if I just died no one would care. Sometimes I think life's not even worth the effort.
I don't even know where I was trying to go with this. I'm sorry because I'm not even capable of writing a single post explaing what my problem is.

[sherlock holmes]

It sounds like you've been struggling for a while. Have you ever told anyone before how you are feeling? In my experience universities have fantastic student support services, can you see someone there? It might be easier than seeing a doctor if you're worried you won't be listened to (though I would still suggest seeing your GP if you are able to).

Why don't you think that you deserve food?

[centuries]

I told my best friend about some of the stuff that is going on (because she noticed) but things are a bit difficult between us at the moment and we're not really talking.

I went to a doctor a few ways ago but the only thing I managed to get out was that I think that I might be depressed. He refered me to a psychiatrist but now I don't know how to make an appointment because I don't feel able to make phonecalls at the moment and I don't want to ask anyone to do it for me.

I feel like a can't even explain why I have such a compicated relationship with food. It's somehow simply a product of my non-existent self-esteem and paranoia because I think that food is not a basic right for me but something I need to earn and that I am not allowed when I did something wrong. I try to eat more because I somehow want to get better but it only ends in me feeling bad all the time and wanting to throw up. Even my own body tells me that I shouldn't eat.

[phoenix_M]

sounds like actually you have quit alot going on at the moment rather than how you say no real issues. its good that you feel able to talk about it here, and that you reconise you need some help and support. What your saying sounds fairly normal in terms of the spiral into issues with eating and ED related things. if you walked into your gp practice and made a apt to see your GP face to face, would they make the call for you if you explain how your mental health is at the moment.

i know from experiance it can be hard trying to get everything out in one apt. so maybe you could write down what you want to say in the appointment and then give the GP that list