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Old 09-01-2018, 07:07 PM   #581
one_step_closer
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Thank you. I feel like I'm almost grieving the loss of my ability to self harm to the extent I want to. That will sound absolutely crazy to many people. I don't know where to go from here, there is only the road back to where I was with overdosing lots but I can't access that road because I can't physically swallow enough tablets. Well, it is possible but my last overdosing experience was even more unpleasant than it usually is because I could hardly swallow the tablets. This is me. I want to destroy myself and it's very hard not being able to without a huge struggle. My body doesn't want to deal with overdoses and self harm but my mind really, desperately wants it. I don't have the motivation to go forward only the wish to go back.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-01-2018, 08:56 PM   #582
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It’s hard to let go of coping mechanisms. Have you spoke to your cpn about this? What have they suggested?





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Old 11-01-2018, 07:22 PM   #583
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I saw my CPN yesterday and it was better than I expected. I think she can see that I can't deal with too much right now. She said I need to be more assertive with my friend but I haven't been. She thinks starting back at the gym group that is run by the organisation my support worker is from is a good way to desensitise me to social situations. I went back today and was really anxious after about half an hour because the men (in my head) were distressing me and making me worry about the safety of everyone. I got through anyway. I'm worried about going next week because this week my support assistant came with me but she's not coming with me again and if I got distressed I wouldn't have someone to try and help me. I could speak to the worker who takes the group but I wouldn't want to divert her from the rest of the people/draw attention to myself and also I don't think I'd feel very comfortable talking to her if I was distressed.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on the 22nd and my CPN asked if I wanted her to come with me but I said I'd be ok. Although my CPN was being mostly understanding about how much I can and can't cope with I'm not sure that my psychiatrist will be, I think he'll be wanting me to move forward quickly. I'm thinking maybe I should have said my CPN could come to the appointment but at the same time that's two people in the room to see me and maybe try and push me into something. Even people who end up in hospital usually only take a bit of time off work and then get back to it but I've been unemployed for nearly 8 years and I've been out of hospital for 5 months now so I really should be moving on. I'm scared that there might be so much expectation from other people of what I should be doing.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-01-2018, 08:15 PM   #584
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It's so hard to live but also suicide methods can be so hit and miss. I hate this trapped feeling. When my life gets even worse I likely still won't be able to kill myself and I can't deal with the torture of life stress and emotional pain. What is there even left to do? Find ways to cope? I should know ways to cope by now. I don't want this. I'm too weak. I need an easy exit. I am a failure of a partial human being.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-01-2018, 09:12 PM   #585
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*hugs*



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

[''There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'I wish I was the monster you think I am.'


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Old 12-01-2018, 08:04 PM   #586
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Don’t have the words but I have read. *hugs*





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Old 13-01-2018, 03:20 PM   #587
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Thank you both.

I am always noticing how useless and despised I am and there are many things that confirm it. I need to quit poisoning the world and get my suicide right. Today my friend text me saying she's not happy any more. I asked what's getting her down and she said 'tbh Lindsay your depression is.' I haven't seen her since before Christmas and I'm still a negative influence. I go to bed at night and ruminate about all the bad things professionals have said about me and written about me. They judge me and make wrong judgements but it doesn't matter that they're wrong, they're not going to change their mind. Well, even if they did change their opinion of me it still makes little difference because I know that at one point they were having horrible feelings and beliefs about me. I know no one is liked by everyone but it hurts because I'm not trying to be a bad person and it's upsetting when I'm perceived wrongly and when I hurt people just by being me. My brother's life has already been ruined by me so it won't make too much difference if I can get suicide right.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2018, 03:26 PM   #588
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I’m sorry your friend said that. Is that the same friend you are looking after her flat? Don’t let it bring you down. You can’t help being depressed and it’s wrong of her to use it against you.

You are well liked here and I am glad you are in this world.

Could you phone breathing space? Might be good to get an anonymous person to talk to.





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Old 13-01-2018, 04:03 PM   #589
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Yes it is that friend. I try to do good things but ultimately my presence in the world is not needed and it makes things worse. I could maybe phone the crisis team if someone is there who doesn't judge me. There seems to be no point though. I don't know if I'd have the words or the courage to explain things. I'm tired of trying to get through every day.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2018, 04:15 PM   #590
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Try phoning crisis. It’s worth a try.

I get that your friend is ill, but she is still being really inconsiderate towards your own needs. You are being a fantastic friend, she just doesn’t realise it! It sounds like she is being unreasonable. Is there anyone else who can step in and help her?





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Old 13-01-2018, 05:03 PM   #591
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I have little motivation to phone crisis, and maybe not enough words. I'll be safe anyway because I usually am and I'm sick of being safe. I'm not going to confront my friend because I am trying to make things as easy as possible for her while she isn't well. I try to help her out when she is well too. I'm a burden. A disease. A ball of negative energy that is polluting the world. I should stop posting here too. I don't even know what I want from this. It's selfish of me to post here and maybe people here want to tell me harsh truths about how bad I am but don't. I should disappear from everyones life. I don't need a treatment team or friends or family. No, scratch that, the main point is that they don't need me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2018, 06:32 PM   #592
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It’s not selfish at all for you to post. You have every right. You give so much to this community, so let us help you too. You aren’t bad, I promise.





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Old 13-01-2018, 07:01 PM   #593
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Thank you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2018, 08:59 PM   #594
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Oh God, Chester Bennington is dead.

I really need to be dead.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-01-2018, 09:38 PM   #595
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I'm not even at a crisis point. My whole life is one crisis point so there isn't really a crisis at all. I have done some rituals to try and leave my life/death in the hands of the men/whatever energy can sense it. I'm trying to hold back from anything more risky. I phoned crisis but they said they were in the middle of something and will phone me back. I am just a fatty lump of feelings. It should be easy to destroy me. Do I even exist? Yes I do, in the most horrible form. I am a curse. I must be destroyed. Can't deal with this any more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2018, 12:12 AM   #596
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Your friend has really brought you down for a while and I wish that it was easier for you to set boundaries with her. You are a good person. I believe this without doubt. I wish that happiness was easier to come by. Sometimes it feels like now matter how hard we try, even those with the best intentions struggle so much. I don't have any more useful words right now but wanted to let you know that I am here.

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Old 14-01-2018, 12:54 PM   #597
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Thanks. I'm sick of myself. I'm sorry for posting here when I'm in a crisis point. I can only imagine what kind of picture I'm painting of myself and what you all think of me. I spoke to someone from crisis last night but I think they weren't really hearing me or felt like they didn't have to do anything because I get to points like this so often. No one knows how to help, probably it's not possible for anyone to help. Everyone has heard me go on and on about the same things multiple times. I am drowning in myself.

My friend upset me again as soon as I got out of bed. I text her to see if she was at her flat or if she needed me to go and see to the cat and she said she isn't there and can I get him some cat milk and she thinks he prefers dry food to wet food. I said that he seems to enjoy the wet food when I put it down for him and he chooses it over the dry food initially. She said he's not getting any more wet food after that's gone. I said ok will I finish off the pouches that are left first. She said if you must. I said I don't have to and does she want me to give him the milk instead of the pouches or as a treat. She said 'I need to be home this is impossible and important I'm getting very annoyed with the situation.' I told her I'm doing my best and am just trying to do what she wants for the cat. She said 'Lindsay you have 2 cats of your own that's why I asked you.' She puts my name in most of her texts in a sort of forceful way that makes it obvious she's getting on to me. I know she's not well and I know that it's stressful being in hospital and having someone else deal with things at your home but I'm always tiptoeing around her whether she is well or not. Even when I'm unwell I'm careful with what I say to her and other people.

I feel like I have no ways of coping with anything. I really can't stand to be trapped in life any more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2018, 03:51 PM   #598
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Honestly, I know your friend is having a hard time but she sounds like a horrible friend!

Could you take the cat back to your place?

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Old 14-01-2018, 04:19 PM   #599
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I think she is trying to get her cat into a cattery. I feel bad for being an obviously useless person. The nurses at the hospital will think I am a horrible friend and will hate me more than they already do. I base so much on what other people think about me and I don't know if it's possible to let go of that. I also don't know what to do about my chronic suicidality and acute suicidal periods. Everything seems very hopeless. I was upset when I heard that one of my previous CPNs said 'that's just Lindsay' when my support worker told her he was concerned because I was in a suicidal crisis point but it's probably true. I don't want this to be me. I don't want to be any kind of me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2018, 04:31 PM   #600
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I feel like it is a privacy violation for the CPNs to be talking about you like that. I think that it is hard not to think about what other think of us when we feel so bad about ourselves. I hope that something gets resolved with your friend and her cat soon. I think it will be a weight off your back and maybe you can focus more on being kind to yourself.

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