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Old 26-10-2017, 06:52 PM   #281
one_step_closer
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Thanks. It seems pointless trying to get through this only to face it again and again. I saw the extended hours team this afternoon and the CPN who I might be getting supported by was there but she didn't say anything really, the other CPN did all the talking. So I didn't get much of an idea what she'll be like. I went to see my brother after my appointment, when we were saying goodbye I reminded him to seriously think about seeing his GP again or at least talking to me and he said sarcastically but not friendly sarcastically "you're amazing and I need you for everything." It was very hurtful but I didn't say anything. He must think I'm a horrible human being who thinks she is better and more important than is actually the case. I know I'm far from amazing, I'm not even worthwhile. If I end up in a place where I don't feel like I can keep myself safe I'm not even sure if I'll try to stay safe or get in touch with anyone. I really have no value whatsoever. The crisis team are phoning me at some point between 6 and 6.30 so I will try to be honest with them anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-10-2017, 07:01 PM   #282
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I hope you can be honest with crisis.

Maybe your brother was having a bad day, not that that excuses that, but try not to take it personally. I doubt he thinks you are horrible. You are a kind person who always thinks of others. Be kind to yourself too.





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Old 26-10-2017, 07:13 PM   #283
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I know he was having a bad day, he has a lot of bad days. I'm not strong enough to help him with his pain but he won't let me anyway. I said I would come with him to his GP if he wanted but just wait in the waiting area if he didn't want me to come in and he said that would make things worse and that he can go to his GP himself. He's not getting help because he's comparing himself to me and thinking that at least he's not seriously messed up so he thinks he doesn't need to get help. I am destroying everything for him. I really wish we had alive and healthy and happy parents who were capable of supporting us because I'm no use.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-10-2017, 07:18 PM   #284
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You are doing the best you can and that’s all you can do. It really shows how much you care for him. You aren’t destroying everything for him. His mental health problems are not your fault.

I’m sorry you are feeling that way and I understand how distressing it must be. Please try to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to have kindness.





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Old 26-10-2017, 07:24 PM   #285
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Thank you. I'm feeling very selfish and wanting to just remove myself from his life and from life in general. I can't even hurt myself enough to feel like I'm at least punishing myself. I can't keep going on like this. I'm still feeling a bit unreal and I was having to be very careful about what I was saying to my brother because I felt like I'd just say something worrying without thinking how it would affect him because I'm not entirely sure if this is really happening right now or if I'm just a thought in someones head or something. I'm telling myself that it's most likely that I'm dissociating but I feel so unreal that it might be true that I am a thought or something. If I'm not real then it should be easy to delete me and my actions can't affect anyone. When I get really sucked into that mindset I become very unsafe.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-10-2017, 07:26 PM   #286
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Do you think you can tell crisis when they phone what you have said here? Sounds like you need both support and reassurance.





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Old 26-10-2017, 07:29 PM   #287
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I will try. I think I'm likely to forget the main points and I feel a bit weird writing something to prompt myself what to say over the phone. I usually write things and give it to someone face to face. It's probably best I write a couple of pointers to remind myself though. Thanks.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-10-2017, 01:44 AM   #288
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Maybe if you can even read the contents of your posts to the cpn? Does that help? Writing things down, even bullet points, can be really helpful. If you are disassociating there is a good website I visit carolynspring.co.uk does and amazing blog and she also has a brilliant website with helpful advice and information. I appreciate the struggle with disassociation but remember it’s a way your brain worked to help you to survive.

What did you do today? Have you seen your brother? Have you been out x

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Old 27-10-2017, 12:47 PM   #289
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I'm hoping you're okay, and that you havent posted because you're in hospital or something that the crisis team set up for you when you spoke to them yesterday.

My brother can speak to me in hurtful ways sometimes, but I know he still loves me deep down. We don't say it to each other and never have because we're not like that, but I do care about him and he cares about me. My brother recently developed his own mental health issues, and I cant imagine what it was like for him. Maybe he worried it would get as bad as mine, maybe he didnt want to get help because it wasn't as bad as mine. I tried to help him and offer advice but it wasnt always welcomed. At times he could get ratty with me, but I think that's because he was trying to figure out what was happening for him and he didnt know what to do with my advice. In the end I figured out that it was better to let him approach me for advice if he wanted it, and our relationship got better again.

He's doing better now. He did see his GP and get some antidepressants and he changed jobs and stuff and he is getting there. It's not your responsibility to make your brother better. Yes you're family and you care about him, but he is also an adult with his own life. And maybe he did feel a bit like you were trying to tell him what to do (even though I know you were just being caring). So maybe if you did back off a little he would in the future decide to speak to you for advice on his own terms? But you being alive isn't making your brother worse. You being dead would make him feel absolutely awful, far far worse than any worry about you being in hospital.

I hope you're doing okay.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 27-10-2017, 04:47 PM   #290
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Thank you both. I text my brother last night because I had thought of a metaphor to illustrate why he should still get help even though he's not as messed up as me. After he replied I told him what I meant by he could talk to me and that I wasn't thinking I'm some great person and he said he was joking and I over analyse things. He said he's used to doing things on his own and he prefers to.

I saw my current CPN and my soon to be CPN today. They're going to jointly support me for a while before I'm transferred to the other CPN. I'm quite sad that I'm having to change CPN. She's the person I feel most comfortable with in my treatment team. My 'new' CPN spoke a bit more than yesterday and she seems ok but most people are initially ok with me and then they start to hate me. My CPN didn't mention hospital, she thinks I'll do ok with continued phone calls from the crisis team. I've not to get support from the extended hours team any more because from now on that would be phone calls too and it's stressful enough waiting for a phone call from the crisis team.

I don't want to continue this battle. Things still feel quite unreal and I'm hoping I will be able to stop being cautious just in case things are actually real (meaning I am being careful with what I say and do in some ways in case I am real enough to affect people) and get on with the process of removing whatever form of me partially exists in the world.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-10-2017, 06:01 PM   #291
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I take it you have a suicide plan and you intend on doing it? That is not good. Please ring crisis and tell them about this. It sounds like now is the exact time you need to be in hospital. You will come out of this and feel better.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 27-10-2017, 07:05 PM   #292
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Thanks. I'm mostly feeling like it's easy to take risks because I don't fully exist but I am trying to be careful around people in case I exist more than I think I do. I'm tempted to test things out and do something serious but I think at the moment I have some control. I'm just worried that that control will lessen at some point and that it will happen suddenly and I'll act on impulse because I don't fully exist so I can destroy myself without it affecting other people. I said something like that to my CPN and she asked if I had worked on techniques to cope with dissociation when I was seeing my psychologist. I said no but now I remember we did some grounding thing, dropping an anchor, but it didn't help. I'm too stuck inside this body's head for the feeling on the body's feet on the floor to reach me. My CPN said she's happy with me getting phone calls from the crisis team and that they will phone extended hours if they are concerned about me over the weekend. I don't actually think they would do that if they were concerned and at no point can I take myself to A&E because that is wrong in the eyes of my CPN and psychiatrist.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-10-2017, 08:03 PM   #293
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This all sounds very distressing. Do you think you can talk to crisis about it?
I think you should tell someone, to keep you safe.





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Old 27-10-2017, 08:17 PM   #294
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Thanks for your reply. I told crisis, I don't think the person I spoke to was really happy with how safe I may be but I told her that I had told my CPN how I'm feeling and she didn't seem concerned. The crisis person said she would update extended hours but they aren't working until tomorrow and I'm quite sure nothing additional will be added to help me stay safe. I probably don't need any additional support anyway. The only thing is I can't predict how safe I'm going to be because the concept of me being real seems quite small right now, maybe too small to hold on to and believe. My distress can suddenly become more intense and I act on impulse. It feels like it would be so easy to go and take risks. I don't know if RYL is even real. I feel like I have some control but I'm worried that I am actually trapped inside the head of the body and the program is running making it look like I have control but my actions are all automatic, so I'm in the head screaming to get out but even I can't hear myself. Sorry if that doesn't explain things well. I just feel very confused.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-10-2017, 08:25 PM   #295
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I’m glad you told crisis. Keep talking to them and keep them updated. It’s what they are there for, to help you in times like this.
You spoke of grounding techniques. Do you know any others? Maybe you could search the forums to see if anyone has posted about grounding techniques, or start a thread asking for some. Maybe that’s something you can talk to your cpn about.





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Old 28-10-2017, 01:43 AM   #296
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Hey Lindsay, you are real and I know those feelings of disassociation. Try grounding yourself can you put bare feet on the ground? Or look out the window and describe the trees or view to yourself. It’s about making yourself in the present. Maybe telephoning crisis is a good thing to do and chat to them. You deserve to be here and you deserve the help x

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Old 28-10-2017, 07:51 PM   #297
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Thank you both. I went out with one of my friends today, it was quite hard, but luckily we were only going somewhere local for lunch. I came home and watched the Linkin Park and friends concert that took place last night in memory of Chester. It left me with mixed emotions about suicide but my feelings surrounding suicide are mixed most of the time. Someone from crisis phoned but I didn't manage to say much because I didn't know the guy so it made talking on the phone even more stressful. I only sometimes make calls to crisis services when I'm immediately unsafe as an afterthought. I'm supposed to phone someone as early on in a crisis as I can but I don't feel able to do that. I'm trying to keep occupied with things to avoid dwelling too much on the feeling of not being real. I feel so, so, much like I can't predict anything of what is going to happen with regards to my safety right now. Soon I will be expected to come out of this period and get on with things again. I can't deal with even small expectations people have of me. This is too much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-10-2017, 08:25 PM   #298
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Well done on getting out today and seeing your friend. That’s a difficult thing to do when things are so hard. It’s good you are trying to distract yourself too.

When are crisis next getting in contact?

I hope you can keep talking to them. Did you try writing it down first?





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Old 28-10-2017, 08:56 PM   #299
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Thanks. Crisis should be phoning me again tomorrow evening. I didn't prepare myself for tonight's call because I don't really know what I want to say. I have been faking existence all day and that's it. I'm very tempted to go out and do something dangerous, the darkness seems welcoming right now, but I continue to try, try, try to stay safe just in case I am real to my brother. It's easyish just now to stay at home because I have just washed my hair and it will take time to dry. A simple thing like that keeps me inside. By the time it's dry I will be ready for bed and then I'll have to glue myself to the mattress and not leave my bed to do anything harmful. I'm tired of this fight. I'm fighting for nothing if I don't exist. I don't want any kind of 'normal' future with work and stuff. I have no plans for tomorrow, hopefully I will be able to give in to my thoughts and kill myself, but I probably won't. I am only a floating ball of emotions. I am imagining my existence. I'm so disconnected.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-10-2017, 10:22 PM   #300
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Low on words. But I am thinking of you. I hope you can stay safe. Keep reaching out and talking to crisis.





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