Confused About Relapse
I self-harmed last night for the first time in over five years.
I'm so confused. I mean...I've had cravings and urges that never really went away, but it had stopped being my go to coping method for some reason. I've been going though overwhelming bouts of anxiety that leave me too exhausted to even consider harming myself- perhaps that's why I've been "clean" so long. I don't really know.
I'm totally lost. I don't think I was really stressing or anything. I just had this rush of anger and frustration out of nowhere and suddenly found I had marked myself all up again. I don't feel like I had a "good reason" to have relapsed.
The thing that really gets me though, is now I feel fine. Like....totally fine. I've had my anxiety attacks seemingly get worse and worse the last few years, feeling a new depressive episode take me down recently....and now I feel as "normal" as I have in a long time. I don't understand what I'm feeling...I should be upset. I don't know that I really feel good, but I don't feel that "black cloud" around me now. I feel sort of...empty. Like...I don't know, "blank" kind of empty, not sad. I don't really know if relief is the right word for it either. I don't remember my last relapse feeling like this. Maybe I just haven't processed what's happened yet?
I just don't really know what to do now.