Hi there everyone...
soooooo, first tings first, I'm new here and I hope this will help me somehow. I'm from Germany, I hope that's not a Problem (?), but I've always expressed my feelings in english, so german Websites never really did me any good.
So take it easy on me for any grammar or spelling mistakes
I've turned 25 in december and the last time I cut myself was when I was 18 I think. I never really counted the months, since I never conciously stopped. I just somehow did. My boyfriend had been the main reason, but also the fact that I was training to become a nurse and that really helped with my self-esteem. However, I never really confronted myself with the very reason why I did it in the first place and I still had issues. I never went to therapy, I never truly talked with anyone about it. My boyfriend knew that I was lonely and in a way lost, and he knew how I felt about my body. But we never really talked about why I hurt myself. Anyway, I had some okay years, worked some time as a nurse. In Germany you don't have to study at a University to become a nurse. It's a 3-year education with practical and theoretical phases that is offered by the various Hospitals. I quit school before I got my diploma, then did the nursing school and worked a few months but soon decided to go back to school to get my diploma. I now study psychology, I didn't think I still have so many issues. But I haven't made any friends at college, I have a group I can hang around with and study with, but I'm not really part of it. Also because I'm 25 and they are all under 20 (I'm in the first Semester). I became depressive again, lost all intrest in my studies, friends, Family, and soon started thinking the same thoughts I did back in the old days. Two days ago, I gave in to the constant need to cut and the pressure that had been building for days. I think I just reached my breaking point when my mother got tricked by a romance scammer for the second time, sending over 6000 euroes to a fake person that pretended to be a us soldier in Ghana. You see, I don't get financial aid, I don't have a scholarship, I'm working my ass off to study. My mother has issues herself, she can't manage her finances. I already helped her, but now she is constantly lying to me and I had to start some legal steps to deprive her of her rights of decision regarding her finances and it's all just been too much. I feel parentless, I feel like it's just too much and I'm under so much pressure I should have already burst. And I think thats just why I did it again. I'm just scared and angry at myself for doing it again after succesfully beign "clean" for over 7years....
In all These years I had never truly thought about SI, but suddenly it's back so strongly and I don't know where it all came from... -.-
Has anyone had the same experience? Or some idea what I can do to not completly fall back into my "old ways"?
I really just needed to write that all down. So thanks for listening...
Greetings,
Missy
