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Old 31-08-2016, 06:40 AM   #1
Auror.
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Talk of residential. Freaking out.

I apologise in advance. This does not really fit in the ed forum due to things about being dead. Sorry. Sorry sorry.


There is talk of going to residential eating disorder treatment. If my insurance is on board they want me to go to a place across the country at least for a two week trial/assessment period. They would let me be vegan at least for this time (this could change after the assessment period), and have said they would try to ensure I can have a single bedroom and can ensure access to gender neutral bathrooms due to my gender identity. I know I am lucky that they are offering such major accommodations. It is not the norm.

I just cannot help that feel like this is entirely unnecessary and because it is still not a guarantee that it is going to happen I am freaking out. I do not know when or if this is occurring. My family has no idea.

I do not want to do this or go so far away for so long. I want to stay at home with my dog. I kind of feel like being dead would be easier and would just stop all of it.

Obviously I have not told anyone involved in this process about being dead because they would not take me at all and would say I should go inpatient. The last time I was inpatient was completely terrible and honestly it did more harm than good.

I am too overwhelmed with this on top of work and school and the dog being ill and having surgery. I feel trapped because I know that any kind of suicide attempt would cause me to lose my place there, and I cannot attempt and fail. The only reason I have not tried thus far is because I do not have a guaranteed method.

I am sorry I am crap at being around and not being repetitive and deleting threads/posts. I have no professional support right now and am very alone with all of this so I am unsure where else to turn. Sorry.



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Old 31-08-2016, 10:15 AM   #2
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Hugs I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say other than I'm thinking of you, so sorry your dog has been ill too it is scary when the animals in our lives are ill let alone everything else. I hope you manage to make the most of the opportunity as it sounds like they are being very supportive and want it to work I wish you lots of luck with it xx

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Old 31-08-2016, 10:39 AM   #3
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This is such a tricky situation, I really feel for you. I don't know what to suggest but I do wonder if being honest might be the best thing? You need help with all of the problems affecting you, not just some. If you were to admit to feeling suicidal, would you go back to the same IP do you think or is there a chance it would be somewhere else?

You say you have no professional support, but who recommended the eating disorder treatment facility or is that self referral? Do you think you could talk things through with a professional, like a GP?

Thinking of you.

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Old 31-08-2016, 10:43 AM   #4
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Sorry things are so stressful at the moment, and even though they have made some really helpful accommodations for you, it's understandable to feel terrified by the whole thing! Is there somewhere your dog could go, should you take up this bed?

I can appreciate you not wanting to tell them about your suicidal thoughts, though I'd be concerned about them not being best equipped to support you if they don't know the whole picture. If the residential ED treatment helped you manage things better from an ED perspective, do you think that this would make you feel less suicidal, or would tackling those issues make you initially more vulnerable to suicidal feelings?



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Old 31-08-2016, 01:15 PM   #5
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Sorry you feel shit, I can't offer any help, but I am thinking about you, stay strong.



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Old 31-08-2016, 09:54 PM   #6
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I essentially referred myself, as I have no treatment team and my new medical doctor is completely clueless about things. If I were to go IP I would either have to go where I was (as they at least have some knowledge of EDs) or try to find someplace else out of area/town/state to go that knows how to deal with that.

I guess now it is just a matter of waiting to see what insurance says. I guess I would have to ask one of my parents or someone to take care of my dog for me? I have asked if she could come since she is an ESA (emotional support animal) but I am pretty sure that they will say no because she is not a service animal.

I would imagine that trying to tackle ED things would probably make the suicidal thoughts worse, but given I cannot really act on them, hopefully it would be something they might know how to help/deal with. They are aware that I do consistently have urges to self harm/overdose. I did say that.

Inpatient is also useless in that regard as the suicidal thoughts and self harm, etc. urges are a constant thing, and all they can offer while ip is medication. What I really need is to actually learn how to deal with things, which is why any other level of treatment would be better. I had an old therapist who mentioned that it seems almost like I see suicide as an escape/out, and that is where my mind just automatically goes when things get to be too much. It doesn't necessarily mean I am going to act on it, but it's just my general thought process. I am unsure if that makes any sense.

It's a useful idea in theory because then it could help explain why me being suicidal does not automatically mean I am in crisis but at the same time it is sort of like okay this is a thing so what actually would mean I am in crisis and how would people take me seriously if that changed?



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Old 02-09-2016, 10:14 AM   #7
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My dog does not have cancer thankfully. Her tests came back benign.

Not heard anything. Not coping super well.



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Old 02-09-2016, 08:10 PM   #8
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apparently my insurance is fucked and i cannot actually phone to sort it because of my phone issues and i told the people that so i think i probably just need to be dead. i am panicking.



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Old 03-09-2016, 03:21 AM   #9
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i had to tell my dad. my dad doesn't think i have an ed and doesn't understand why any of this is necessary but he said he will try to talk to insurance and see what he can find out. unfortunately monday is a holiday and it is the weekend so this may not happen until tuesday.

i cannot explain any of it because it is so tied up in gender things which he knows nothing about. he just thinks i need to see a medical doctor/specialist and get tests done.

telling him has not helped. but he at least agreed that i made the right choice not saying anything to my mother yet.

ithink i still need to be dead but i promised to work all weekend to cover shifts for another coworker so i cannot be dead yet.



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Old 03-09-2016, 09:08 AM   #10
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Well done for talking to your Dad. I'm glad you have things to do this weekend. Take care of yourself





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Old 04-09-2016, 12:45 AM   #11
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Thank you. Hope you're doing well. <3



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Old 04-09-2016, 12:57 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auror. View Post
What I really need is to actually learn how to deal with things, which is why any other level of treatment would be better. I had an old therapist who mentioned that it seems almost like I see suicide as an escape/out, and that is where my mind just automatically goes when things get to be too much. It doesn't necessarily mean I am going to act on it, but it's just my general thought process. I am unsure if that makes any sense.
Makes a lot of sense! I am similar with self harm- any stress at all, however minor means my mind automatically goes to self harm, though I don't intend to act on it.

Well done for telling your dad; I hope he manages to speak to them asap!

How are you doing now?



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Old 05-09-2016, 05:23 AM   #13
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Things are not going well. I am struggling with restricting and laxatives and such and tomorrow is a holiday so nothing can get sorted. On top of urges to self harm and od.

I do not even know want my dad wants to do and I keep finding out more information that is making it look more and more like I have literally no options in terms of treatment and making it seem like I am supposed to be dead.



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Old 10-09-2016, 07:23 AM   #14
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They want to set an admission date but cannot get insurance approval until I get there and it is literally across the country which is an issue travel wise and if I get there and insurance says no.

Also they want 5,000$ on admission day and I filled out an application for financial assistance for that but have not heard anything and that is an impossible amount of money.

Everything else is going wrong and I am very much not coping and I cannot explain things without breaking rules.



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Old 10-09-2016, 09:06 PM   #15
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Agh, that sounds so frustrating and difficult. Can your insurance company give you an idea of the likelihood of it being approved so you know if it's worth going there?

Can you contact the people you applied for financial assistance with to see how that's progressing?

Sorry that you're not coping. You've said you can't explain thing without breaking rules- I'm assuming that's related to details of behaviours? Could you instead describe the feelings and thoughts that are leading to them?



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Old 11-09-2016, 06:30 AM   #16
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I don't know I guess my dad might chase things up on Monday. He wants to tell y mother tomorrow which I am against and not okay with.

Yea can't mention degree of behaviours other than to say I am probably approaching a point where medical concerns may be a thing? All I know is that I do not even have words to describe how overwhelmed I feel.

Sorry for short reply laptop is getting fixed Because video card died so am on iPod.



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Old 11-09-2016, 09:06 AM   #17
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No advice as such but just wanted you to know thinking of you and hope things improve.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

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Old 13-09-2016, 09:19 PM   #18
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thanks katy <3

Just got my laptop back and finally *maybe fingers crossed* got my air conditioning fixed.

They got back to me today about the 5,000$ thing and said due to my financial situation they are going to waive that entirely. So now it is just trying to figure out an admission date and my dad keeps trying to get involved and push it back because he has taken it upon himself to decide he should go with me and that we should fly, and never even bothered to ask.

Now he is mad at me for pointing out that I asked for his help, not for him to take control. He says that is what I needed, and no that is very much NOT what I need because if I do not feel like I have any control or say in this, I am not going to go along with it! I am not saying my feelings are necessarily accurate, just that it is how it feels.

I do not know. I asked the person if they spoke to my dad to push for Monday/Tuesday admission and they said they agreed that sooner would be better. So I guess we will see.



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Old 13-09-2016, 10:39 PM   #19
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Hugs I'm low on words but thinking of you .

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Old 14-09-2016, 05:22 AM   #20
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thanks Jess. <3

They want Wednesday because they have a therapist that specialises in gender identity that they want to assign me to. I tentatively agreed but am waiting for confirmation before I tell work/school because they said I need to tell them 4-6 weeks but I thought it was only going to be two weeks and now I am freaking out because I do not want to be there that long.

Then of course my dad comes over tonight and tells me there is no point in this if I am not 100% committed to doing what they say and hopeful and willing to go all in and accept the help, and be hopeful that they can help me. Even though he knows I'm super on the fence to begin with.
-Not only is this NEVER going to be something I do, I completely disagree with this point of view. I'm not about to go in optimistic or committed. I've been in treatment too many times and found it unhelpful. I'm ambivalent and skeptical at best, and given the communications I've had with the people there, they're very aware of this. I'm willing to give it a shot for 2 weeks and see what I can take from it. Just because I'm not all in and not hopeful doesn't mean I can't recognise that I do need help and that there have to be at least some aspects I can take away and find useful.

Oh, and that if plane fare is more than 100$ even if I wanted him to go with me (they've told me I should not travel alone) that he would not. Yet, if he'd bought tickets earlier today like he wanted, he would have bought them for the wrong day. I understand plane fares go up but like okay great thanks? I have not told him they have said I should not travel alone, and I am not even super comfortable with the idea of him going with me, but there is nobody else I can ask. My mother will be watching my dog (in theory) and would not be someone I would want with me anyways.



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