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Old 20-04-2017, 01:42 AM   #1
Kodorai
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
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Confused About Relapse

I self-harmed last night for the first time in over five years.

I'm so confused. I mean...I've had cravings and urges that never really went away, but it had stopped being my go to coping method for some reason. I've been going though overwhelming bouts of anxiety that leave me too exhausted to even consider harming myself- perhaps that's why I've been "clean" so long. I don't really know.

I'm totally lost. I don't think I was really stressing or anything. I just had this rush of anger and frustration out of nowhere and suddenly found I had marked myself all up again. I don't feel like I had a "good reason" to have relapsed.

The thing that really gets me though, is now I feel fine. Like....totally fine. I've had my anxiety attacks seemingly get worse and worse the last few years, feeling a new depressive episode take me down recently....and now I feel as "normal" as I have in a long time. I don't understand what I'm feeling...I should be upset. I don't know that I really feel good, but I don't feel that "black cloud" around me now. I feel sort of...empty. Like...I don't know, "blank" kind of empty, not sad. I don't really know if relief is the right word for it either. I don't remember my last relapse feeling like this. Maybe I just haven't processed what's happened yet?

I just don't really know what to do now.

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Old 20-04-2017, 08:14 AM   #2
Tixy
 
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*hugs*

It sounds like you are going through a really hard time At the moment. Please don't be too hard on yourself for relapsing which sounds to me as you are. Are you getting or having any proffesional support at present around your anxiety?

Take care

X



If we OWN the story then we can write the ending.

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Old 20-04-2017, 08:38 AM   #3
Kodorai
 
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Thanks. <3

I've brought it up to my doctor, then immediately refused any treatment. I don't know why but I just got all weird and awkward about it. I feel dumb bringing it up again.

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Old 20-04-2017, 12:12 PM   #4
Sooty
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Hi Kodorai,

It's great that you brought this up with your doctor. Why do you think that you refused any treatment?

Some times when you slip up after a long time, it's just a one off rather than a relapse. It's like dipping into the past as a one off and you've got to try not to let it affect your recovery and your healing.

Sophie.x



Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!

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Old 20-04-2017, 03:25 PM   #5
Kodorai
 
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I don't really know. I was upset after I went home because that was one of the big reasons I went in to see her that day. I think I was mostly embarrassed for saying anything. I think I was a little scared that we would find something that would help, and then I'd have to stop too...we are trying to start a family and I know there are a lot of things you can't take through that process. I guess maybe it was a combination of that?

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