I hear you. And i hear your pain. But please try not to give in to all those dark and detsructive thoughts and impulses because no matter which way you look at it, it WILL hurt your kids and the people who love you. The thing is that a suicide is never painless to the people left behind. And sometimes, when we're in deep ****, we may start thinking that killing ourselves will somehow make the world a better place. It won't, for the record.
I can understand it's hard right now. I can hear how much pain you're in. But no matter what, your kids need you. Your family needs you. Your friends need you. And things can change, they really can, but you have to stay alive to make them change. I know it's hard. I really, really know what it feels like to have lost everything and feel hopeless and alone. But this is a moment. In a series of moments, and this moment right now doesn't define all the other moments.
Please don't keep drinking. Don't let the darkness swallow you up completely because it is so hard to fight your way back out again. Try to ask yourself, how can this get better??? what do you need??? Who can help you and how??? Don't worry about whether it is possible yet, just try to think it. Dare to think it. It might hurt but it might also show you that not all the doors have been closed. And you can find your way back to the life that means something to you. There is hope. But you have to believe in it, you have to choose it.
people do care. I care and i am just a stranger on the internet. We'll most likely never meet but i still care. So imagine how the people close to you feel. How they would feel if you gave up without asking for their help. It IS hard asking for help. But please do. You did it here, i have the utmost faith you can ask for it in real life too. And i think you'll be surprised at how much people care.
Try not to worry too much about getting a job and all that right now. It'll come. For now, just focus on what you need to do in order to survive and to heal. To find your way back to your core, your strength and determination. It will be okay. You are not failure.