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Old 17-12-2015, 07:46 PM   #1
Auror.
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I am a horrible person. Wtf.

I am a horrible person and should probably be dead. But that might be beside the point.

Medical doctor said I had to have a therapist if I am not taking medication. Medication is not an option. She referred me to the other place at uni that offers psych things, since I am no longer allowed to see doctor lady or anyone there.

Emailed them because it says everything is done by phone, which I cannot do. This is after looking at their website, where it says that they focus on short term issues and tend to refer people elsewhere if they need something longer term. I told medical doctor they most likely can't help me.

Surprisingly they emailed me back and had me meet with someone today. As expected, they can't really do much for me. They offered me 5 sessions, but said they doubt that it will do much good, and really I need something more intensive and longer term, preferably IOP (intensive outpatient) or residential. They said if I wanted the five sessions they could do it, and would most likely just be focused on safety and helping me figure out how to cope and what to do when in crisis, even though those are things I already know, and they acknowledged I already know given what I said and my history. He said they also offer a 24 hour phone line that people can use. I pointed out my inability to use the phone. He said that attempting to phone them would be better than self harming or oding. But really it wouldn't. I can't even verbalise things in person when things get bad. I can't verbalise things on the phone when I'm okay. The few times I've tried I just get told to call back when I am able to speak.

I finally just said I would rather know sooner rather than later if I was going to get passed off, because I am so sick of people not knowing what to do with me. And that neither IOP or residential were viable options, let alone necessary. So the man said to come back tomorrow and he would sit down with me and try to make some phone calls on my behalf to see what other options are out there. He acknowledged I probably know better what is out there than he does. And I do. The places I can afford (i.e. free) that take my insurance don't know what to do with me. I'm not homeless. I'm not a drug addict or an alcoholic. I have a job. I am in school.

If I have to see someone, I need someone to see that I am not trying to kill myself when I self harm or od. I need them to not make a big deal out of it. I get medical attention when I need it. I get it is not ideal, but focusing on the actions (i.e. the self harm or the od) just add to the drama. That doesn't solve anything. I know coping skills. I know distractions and how to sit with emotions. I do those things. They just don't work all of the time. But things happening once in a while doesn't negate all of that.

I'm sick of attempting to try to open up only to get fobbed off again. Or to be told I'm too high risk and not engaging. Or that I need more help than what they can offer, they just have no idea what that might be. I'm so sick of this. I don't even see the point in going back to see this man again tomorrow. I get that he was trying to help based on the limits of what he can do, but this is the same thing that happens every time.

At this point I feel like I'm better off just dealing with things on my own, and letting medical doctor handle the medical side of things. But nobody else seems to think that is a viable option, including medical doctor.

In fun news, in one of my classes we talked about glacial geology. 90% of an iceberg is actually below the surface of the water. It's to do with buoyancy and density. I feel like that. I don't even talk about 10% of what is going on and they don't know what to do with me. I'm not about to even begin to start on the rest of things, if I even could.

I wish it were easier to just be dead.



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Old 17-12-2015, 08:48 PM   #2
sherlock holmes
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Why would IOP not be an option? If they have said IOP or residential would be the most beneficial then it sounds like you do need more intensive help. If nothing else has worked that effectively so far then perhaps that is the next step.



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Old 17-12-2015, 08:58 PM   #3
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Not much to say but *sending hugs and love and all that fluff*



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

[''There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'I wish I was the monster you think I am.'


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Old 17-12-2015, 09:02 PM   #4
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Financial and time constraints would be the biggest issues. I dont even know if anyplace near here would even offer it. Aside from that I don't find the types of groups they offer helpful. I don't need to be taught how to use coping skills or how to function, and that is what they tend to be focused on.

I know how to do the things. I just do not always do them. The best thing for me is to stick with the routines I have and just actually go to work and classes and do coursework. I am unsure I am explaining well.

This person met me for all of thirty minutes so I'm not exactly putting a lot into their suggestion.



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Old 17-12-2015, 09:21 PM   #5
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Thanks Katy <3



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Old 17-12-2015, 09:25 PM   #6
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You're not a horrible person but I can relate to all of it and to how you're feeling. I don't think my brain is working enough to write something helpful and insightful but I can do this *gives boobies*

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Old 18-12-2015, 12:45 AM   #7
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Boobies always help!

(I am still a horrible person though. Sorry you can relate. <3 )



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Old 18-12-2015, 06:45 PM   #8
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How are you feeling today?





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Old 18-12-2015, 07:46 PM   #9
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I am unsure. My appointment with the man is in twenty minutes. I guess I will go since I do not have a way of canceling. The dog is sick again and I did her medicine wrong or something because she threw up. She deserves a better human who does not do terrible things to her. I wish I knew someone. I cannot take her to a shelter. She was miserable there when I got her and she does not deserve that.

If this man says something about iop or residential again I may just leave. It does not even make sense.

edit:
Don't want to double post. He had me do an assessment with the place where I went for IP years ago. It was over the phone and I completely panicked. He basically put them on speaker and had to talk for me and explain their questions, and answer a lot of it based off of what I told him from the assessment I did with him yesterday. I think he could tell I was panicking. I feel like an idiot.

I think they think I have an eating disorder now. Displeased.

I guess the place will phone early next week to let me know if they can take me on or not. The man said to try to answer if I can, but if not to listen to the message and write down what it says, or phone back. But that he understands I may not be able to. He made me an appointment with a coworker of his for Wednesday since he will be out next week. He said to show them what the message said or be able to play it for them if I have not been able to answer or phone back to set something up. He said they will either help me phone to get set up there, or if they cannot take me or have not heard he will help me phone to get an update or try to sort something else out.


Last edited by Auror. : 18-12-2015 at 10:06 PM.


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Old 19-12-2015, 09:44 PM   #10
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How do you feel about how the second appointment went?

I don't think any of this makes you a horrible person. Horrible people do things like bully or hurt others, all you are doing is trying to find the right support for you.

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Old 19-12-2015, 11:30 PM   #11
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I am hurting the dog. Does that not make me a horrible person?

I am unsure about the appointment. I feel like an idiot. I am an adult and I should be able to handle speaking to someone on the phone. But instead I just panic and things get jumbled and I do not even understand the questions. The man was trying to be nice and is trying to help. I will give him that. But I am unsure about the assessment thing. I know I forgot to mention self harm, and he did not mention it to them either. I do not like that they thought things meant I had an eating disorder. I think he summed things up nicely for me though when the person asked what I wanted to get out of their services, and the man said that I had been bounced around a lot and was really unsure what they could even do if anything, but that anxiety seemed to be the big thing for me and that being more manageable would be nice. The man wanted permission to talk to medical doctor and I am unsure why but I said he could. But if they pass me off before January I feel like there would be no need since he does not work again until then.

I do not understand why people always seem so concerned and it is frustrating. The lady on the phone wanted me to get rid of the pills I have, but I said that made no sense. I have not taken anything in months and have had them the entire time. She kept asking if I was safe and I obviously am.

The man said if anything happened to come in and see someone there if they were open, and that his coworker on Wednesday is going to give me places I can go while they are closed over break if things happen. I guess generally they tell people to phone crisis lines and things but since that is not something I would do, he said it was important I have an option. But I said the last thing I would want to do if I were going to kill myself would be to tell someone, as that would ensure it would not happen. He said he hoped it would be the second to last thing I would do, and asked if I was considering it. I said no, and that if I were I would probably not say so, but that I was not.

Things seem jumbled up. I am worried I should have mentioned self harm to the person on the phone. Plus I am unsure of how they work with my insurance since we could not find my insurance info and if I cannot afford to go there (as well as the fact that it is quite far in terms of distance) and they make me an appointment I am unsure what I would do if I get there and cannot afford it.



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Old 24-12-2015, 12:23 AM   #12
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I am really sorry to double post. It went horribly with the person today. I guess the place they had me do an assessment for can't take me. The only thing they could offer was medication management, which obviously isn't something I need. The man today said that they have a crisis support line that I can always phone 24/7, and went on about that for a while, even though we'd already talked about how much trouble I have using the phone, and that was something the man I saw last week passed on.

He had no idea what else to suggest, and had me sit out in the waiting area for an hour while he spoke to his supervisor to see where else they could try, until I finally was panicking so badly that I told them I had to leave. I had to say so to the desk staff multiple times before he finally came back out and tried to give me contact info for some person from what I am pretty sure is one of the community places I have been to in the past that was awful. He wanted me to sign a release so that he could talk to them, but at that point I said I would deal with it later and left. I think the other staff could tell I was panicking because they asked if they should take me into the meditation room? I am assuming that is a place they tell people to go to calm down. But this man kept saying it was fine. I was standing there shaking. By time I get that anxious I literally can't comprehend what is going on or what people are saying.

I know they are closed now until January. I am not about to contact this stranger at this place. I would have no idea what to say, especially if it is somewhere I have already been. The man today really rubbed me the wrong way and made me uncomfortable. I know he was trying to help but I think he was really at a loss, and just had no idea what to do, and didn't really understand my situation.

I know it's a stupid bpd woe thing to say clearly nobody can help so I should be dead, but I do not want to be a horrible person anymore. I do not want to keep doing this. I'm sorry.



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