1. A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
2. When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
3. One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,
"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."
Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.
"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
Last edited by __T : 03-07-2007 at 12:47 PM.
Reason: change of title
5. One friday afternoon two women are talking about nothing in particular when one of them spots the other’s husband and says:
“Oh look Gloria! He’s bought you a lovely bunch of flowers.” Gloria turns to look and replies:
“Oh bloody hell, that’s me on my back with my legs open all weekend.”
Her friend looks surprised and asks: “You don’t have a vase, then?”
A mother cleaning her son's room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
7. Three Australians and three Englishmen are going to a football match. At the train station, the three Australians each buy a single and watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Australians. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Englishmen. They all board the train. The Australians take their respective seats but all three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Australians are mightily impressed, and after the game, to save money, they decide to repeat the Englishmen's trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Australian.
"Watch and learn," says one of the Englishmen.
The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the three Australians pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in which the Australians are hiding, and says, "Ticket please…"