I think you’ve done all you can. No need to waste any more of your time. Saving me was a long shot anyway. I’m just gonna do what I already planned to do and what I already have been doing and hope this will all be over soon. It’s what I deserve! I don’t even deserve her friendship! I’m even thinking of telling her to stop wasting time on me altogether.
I’m just ready to curl up and die. I’m ready to fall asleep and never wake up!
I’ll check back if there are any new developments but that’s it for now.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
No one is wasting their time trying to support you, we are here if it helps. Please do what safe things you need to do and contact someone, a helpline even, if things are too much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I should probably mention that at the moment I’m doing OK and have been doing quite alright for the past couple days. My crush/friend and I have been talking a lot. She’s been very supportive of me. She’s been telling me what a great friend I am, what a nice person I am, and how funny I can be! She’s also opened up to me about quite a few of her own struggles. On top of it all, we’ve shared quite a few laughs!
It’s just a great reminder that despite not having the relationship that deep down I really want with her that she and I do indeed have something special and I wouldn’t want to change that anytime soon. Our recent conversations have given me a lot of confidence and boosted me up quite a bit.
I am of course still worried that at some point I’ll just be hurting again and mourning the fact that I’m not truly with her. But for the time being I’m just gonna appreciate her for who she is and appreciate our relationship for what it is.
Anyway, I just felt obligated to share that good news because I’m always quick to post something negative so I thought I should post something positive for once.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Well, I WAS good! Now I’m not. The pattern once again repeats itself and again I’m right back where I started.
I’m sorry.....it’s over. Nothing is worth it anymore. Most importantly, I’m not worth it!
Nothing can save me right now. I don’t even wanna live through the night. Maybe tonight’s the night! Maybe instead of half a bottle of vodka, tonight I kill the whole bottle. I’ve got literally no reason not to!
Maybe I go for a drive after all the alcohol and see what happens! Then again, that would just harm other people and it’s my life I’m looking to end not theirs. Maybe I drink myself sick, pass out on my back and drown in my own vomit. It may not end tonight but it will end soon and I can guarantee I won’t feel anything by the end of tonight.
Should I maybe make some arrangements before I end it all. Then again, what’s the point? I have nothing and I’m nobody.
This will all be over soon. This will ALL be over soon! I can’t wait to leave this mortal world and join the spiritual world!
I’ll never have to feel pain again!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 15-01-2020 at 06:31 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I'm sorry you're feeling awful again. Mental illness and distress will come back at points unfortunately, it's learning to deal with it that is key. Did something trigger this? Have you spoken to your friend?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Nothing has triggered this. Literally nothing is different from today than how it was just a few days ago. It’s just how I’m destined to be. I don’t belong in this world. I don’t even think she can save me this time.....
I’m just finally ready to stop the pattern and end it all!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I’m NOT holding on! That’s the thing. The only reason I even lived through last night is because I passed out on the couch before I could do anything to myself and before I could keep drinking.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Absolutely! I know it’s not healthy to do so but at the same time I’m also hoping the alcohol will kill me.....either slowly from within or more quickly depending on what actions I do when inebriated.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
It sounds like alcohol is a protective factor in some way, even if you're saying you don't want it to be. I know life can be really painful, do you think it's possible to get unstuck even if you can't see it right now? Things can change for the better. Have you spoken to your friend about what you're going through?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah, alcohol is indeed my coping mechanism and protective factor and that shows just how far gone I really am. I’m messed up beyond repair. I’m sick and will never get well. It’s not even about my crush/friend anymore. She could break up with her boyfriend, confess some undying love for me, and begin a relationship with me and I’d be happy for a few days then inevitably miserable again. Our hypothetical relationship would be loaded with flaws and she’d eventually see just how screwed up I am. Then again, not that any of this matters because it’s all too obvious that’ll NEVER happen! I simply don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t even deserve to live. Life is wasted on me!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to begin drinking for the night until I crash.
Maybe tonight will be the night I pass out and never wake up.....
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I don’t know. There’s no point to any of this. Sorry to have wasted so much of your time. I think it’s best if I just stop posting now.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
You're not wasting anyones time. I wouldn't post if I thought it was a waste of time. I can hear how much you're struggling and want to support you in a way that will be useful for you. You're still here, so what can you/other people do to make things at least a bit better?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don’t know what to do and that’s the problem! If I did, I would just do it. I don’t even know what I want or expect from anyone else. If I did, I would just ask. That’s why I feel like I’m wasting time because I can’t even give anyone a straight answer because I honest-to-God just do not know! All I know is I’m in a world of pain and will do anything to make the pain go away!
I am literally open to any suggestion because I’ve got no ideas on my own!
I’m sorry, I wish I could be more help. I’m just in so much pain!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 18-01-2020 at 02:07 PM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I hear your pain and it sounds like you're stuck in the mindset of dying but while you're still alive that thing of thinking is just a trap. If you're continually focusing on death you'll never see life options. Who can you turn to right now if you're at a crisis point? Have you tried a helpline? Sometimes just talking things through with another human can be helpful and they might have some suggestions for you. If it helps to rant here then keep doing it, but it can be quite hard to know what to say.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’ve gone as far as I can with this thread and have decided to stop posting in it.
Good-bye
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Things are worse than ever! Today is extremely rough because of the date. I officially lost the will to live one year ago today when my heart was severely broken.
I’m obviously still not over it. Today, simply looking at the date caused me to relive the trauma!
I don’t even understand why I’m still here!
I shouldn’t even be here and I really don’t want to be.
I don’t think I can bear to see the date
October 14th again!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 15-10-2020 at 06:56 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
