I don't know, it's one of those things. I'm scared of going to sleep now but there's not much I can do before or after it happens other than realise that it's just a dream and I'm not going to get hurt.
I am fed up with the nightmares - they happen every night. I just can't take this any more.
ETA: It's so confusing - he's nice to me then suddenly he's not. It's like he's two people, Mr Nasty and Mr Nice. I don't know what's happening any more.
Last edited by dbus-daemon : 30-06-2015 at 04:51 PM.
Reason: See ETA: at end of 1st paragraph for addendum
Is anyone around? I'm scared I'm repellent and alone.
Tonight I've remembered things and I feel vile and disgusting and I'm scared everybody is going to realise how evil I am.
I just want a hug.
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
Elizabeth Gilbert
Hello =)
I hope it's okay for me to post here. I haven't really been around RYL much recently...
I've been in therapy for a few months now and this week I talked to him for the first time about what happened to me. It's the first time I've I've talked through what happened, out loud and in some detail. Now I'm feeling slightly raw and exposed and generally quite sad. I'm curled up in my room with my cat and a colouring book, hoping that I can just spend the time just letting myself feel whatever I need to feel and be safe with it. I want to drink so badly but I don't d do that anymore and I need to stop blocking my thoughts and feelings, once and for all, and just...be.
Anyway that's me. Sorry for the long ramble.
*curls up small and colours*
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
J, Did you manage to get to therapy? How are you feeling now?
Em, I'm sorry this time of year is difficult for you,, How are you now?, Are you able to do something nice/exciting this time of year, maybe to replace bad memories with good ones? I know when I had a 5 year anniversary of the rapes, I got a tattoo to try & turn the awfulness around.
Zed, I'm really really proud of you for opening up today, That is a huge huge step forwards & I hope you can feel the sense of pride you deserve. You're being so strong in keeping safe <3
Thank you Helen sweetheart, that really means so much to me right now. I didn't actually realise til now that that's all I really want to hear from my dad. Maybe one day =) ��
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I'm sorry I don't have advice for you guys. I can't think straight but I'm thinking of you all, I'm reading and I care.
I'm struggling with nightmares a lot and flashbacks. July 17th will be the anniversary of my most recent rape and my nans birthday will be on the 20th. This year they fall on the days they were when it happened. I've been thinking about the incident a lot recently. I'm still ashamed of my actions. I was lying in the road because I wanted to die. A part of me wishes he killed me after. That it would have been for the best. I miss my nan so much. I wish she was around to give me a cuddle and keep me safe. She was my world and I wish she was here. I wish I could say sorry for what I did.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
My darling you haven't got anything to be sorry for. Your Nan knows everything that's happened and she hurts when you do because she loves you so. you make her happy and proud - she hasn't got anything to forgive but Im willing to bet she would forgive you for anything. Can you do things those days which are positive things? Get your tattoo for your nan on her birthday and do something fun and special with Jocelyn or friends or whoever to show that you survived the rape <3. Love you.
I'm sorry for posting and not replying to people, but I am sending everyone hugs and kind thoughts.
*May trigger*
I'm struggling a lot with anniversary of a gang rape I went through some years ago. I saw my psychiatrist and psychologist recently who have given me grounding techniques and some lorazepam to help me get through the worst of it but I'm struggling a lot. I struggle with DID and one of my identity states has much more recollection of it than any other, but the memories keep seeping through into my 'main' identity which means I'm constantly being flooded by flashbacks and body memories. It's just horrible and I still blame myself for it happening, because it was mostly my fault. I'm not just saying that, it really was.
Thank you so much Bellatrix and Helen, that meant a lot. <3
I am so sorry you are hurting so much Epicene. I don't know what happened but it wasn't your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of other human beings, ever. Having to constantly recall it sounds awful. I hope you are getting some extra support from your psychatrist/psychologist during this. xx
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
Elizabeth Gilbert
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