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Old 28-03-2012, 04:22 PM   #1
white_silent_darkness
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Contains sexual abuse - Sex by your own choice :)

Hmm... I'm not really sure how to begin this thread.

I guess I will start by giving those that haven't seen my old threads, what has happened to me in the past. I will cover what happens in case anyone is triggered by it.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering


I was sexually abused by 2 people between the ages of 7 and 14. This abuse
was molestation, forced to touch the person and do things, watch videos, have pictures and videos taken of me, anal rape, oral rape, rape by objects and partial penetration by 1 guys penis.

I was, also, sexually abused by another person from the age of about 12 until I was 16. This was molestation.

More recently (I am 21 now, but 19 to 20 when this happened) I went out with a guy, who ended up controlling me. He wasn't physically violent towards me. He didn't have to be. He just raised his voice, threw things, gave me the guilt trip or the silent treatment to get me to do things. He pressured me to touch him sexually and allow him to do things to me, even when others were there. The first time it went on to more, was due to him just putting his penis in me whilst we were fooling around. After this, he used his ways to have sex with me. I know now this is rape.


Well, a few months ago, I agreed to be a friend's friend with benefits. He knew about my past, and has been a great friend. Not like the guys I had met in my life time. It was after long chats with him about sex that we came to this agreement.

I went round to his house. I was extremely nervous. I knew my friend wouldn't force me to do anything. He would take his time with me. I actually felt like a virgin in some ways.

I wanted to be the person who could just go right ahead and do something, but I was so shakey. I was scared of doing something wrong. He made me feel comfortable though. He told me what I could do and he told me when he was going to try some things with me.

The first time I went round it was just a little bit of foreplay. I was surprised about how relaxed I was. And that I didn't mind him doing things to me. I didn't react negatively to what he did.

The next time I went round, I was still very nervous. We did a bit more foreplay this time. I felt really comfortable with what was happening, and it was like I had some control. Although, of course, I was still feeling a bit shakey in case I did anything wrong or I'm not "up to standard".

Then came the sex. Needless to say it didn't go so well on my part. Except for the fact I didn't get any pain whilst I drifted in and out of reality, which with my ex and just thinking of sex, I always use to. I know my body reacted and I spoke to him, but I can't totally remember what happened. Then, came the flashbacks everytime I drifted out of reality. I was determined to try and block it out. It wasn't going to win. We did stop after a little while.

I wouldn't really know what to tell anyone about my personal first time of having sex. To me, I like to think my first time was with my friend because I choose to have sex without having any pressure. But, then, its hard to say you don't remember what happened even though I was sober!

Could anyone share their experiences?
Maybe share some advice of what to do with regards to drifting in and out of reality and flashbacks during experience?
Does anyone else sometimes get pain whilst turned on?
Does anyone else have trouble enjoying sex or having an orgasm?



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White_angel is my big sister
Bookworm3009 is my cousin
White_silence is my little sister
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Old 28-03-2012, 09:05 PM   #2
foxfly
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I think it can be really hard to have sex after you have been abused, and it can be a really difficult thing. I don't think you're alone at all in finding it difficult. I'm sorry you didn't have a very good time, and some aspects were troubling to you.

I too drift in and out reality during sex, and find it hard to focus on what's going on. Sometimes I enjoy what's happening and am present in the moment, but I find it very hard to stick with it and often drift far away. I've had flashbacks during sex which is very, very unpleasant and when that happens I just have to stop. I find it helpful when I start to drift out of reality to do something that reminds me that now I am in control of the situation. I often ask the person I'm with to do something for me, even if it's just to kiss me, and sometimes I ask them to stop just so I know that they will stop.

I get a lot of pain when turned on and for years didn't ever want to be turned on because it was too painful. The experience of orgasm is incredibly difficult for me because I used to be turned on when I was being abused despite myself. I sometimes find the sensation of being turned on so unpleasant it makes me want to throw up, and I often wish I didn't have a libido. I think it's quite common among survivors to find the sensation of being turned on painful or difficult.

You're definitely not alone in finding sex hard to enjoy, and finding it hard to have an orgasm. Lots of women really struggle to have an orgasm for lots of reasons. It's definitely something you can work on if you want to--experiencing sexual pleasure by yourself or exploring different ways to feel pleasure with your partner can be a very healing and helpful thing, and it can help you feel more in control of your own body. However, I'd examine why you're pushing yourself to have sex when you're struggling to enjoy it or finding it difficult. It's not something you HAVE to do ever if you don't like it or want it. I continue to have sex because it makes me feel like I'm in control which is very important to me, and also it can be a good distraction, and those are good enough reasons for me to work through the difficult things. If you find lots of good reasons to have sex that are important to YOU I think it's definitely something you can work on and sex will become more pleasurable. However, there's no reason to have sex if you don't want to, and you don't have to push yourself to do it for any reason.



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Old 01-04-2012, 09:50 AM   #3
SavingGrace
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Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you. I understand where you are coming from. I was sexually abused for 6 years beginning when I was 9 by someone that I should have trusted.

Sex was, for awhile, something that I did to please people and not caring who I gave myself to. Now that I understand that this isn't the way to go, I have HUGE issues surrounding sex.

I don't so much drift in and out but I do zone out if something is happening that I have trouble dealing with especially if he is dominating, I really can't deal with that. Its not that I need to be controlling it but I don't want to be thrown around like a rag-doll.

I sometimes have flash backs and when they happen I tend to find that if I make the person who I'm with look at me in the eyes so I know who I'm with and that they are a safe person. if this doesn't work then I strop and remove from the situation. It may be taken as offensive but keeping myself safe is more important to me now.

In regards to becoming aroused I tend to have to have a few drinks in me for it to be okay and not something related to being dirty and abused. Its not so much as painful for me but I find it difficult to get aroused and when I do, there can me either minimal enjoyment with no orgasm or my senses are so heightened that it can be uncomfortable.

I really hope you are doing okay and feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk, I don't hang around these parts much but I'm always willing to listen.

Bee.

Over Christmas/New Year was the first time I had had sex in a long time and I really, really struggled. I fully trusted the guy I was with and yet the first and second time that we went anywhere near sex, I freaked out and found an excuse to get him away from me.

When we finally got there, I was okay with it until we had "logistical" issues and I freaked out. We did eventually get there, he loved it and I managed to get through it. As I got used to him I managed to actually enjoy i but it took me time to be okay with him and having sex with him.

Make sure you are entirely comfortable with the guy, cause if you're its not going to work. You need to want it not to feel that you have to. As foxfly said, you need to feel in control. Its a big thing for me too, if I feel dominated then i can't deal with it.



From Nymph to Dragonfly, I know my place.

Call me Bee. =) Like it or Lump it.

‘Cause the passion and pain are gonna keep you alive someday


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Old 22-04-2012, 11:12 PM   #4
white_silent_darkness
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Thank you to you both for sharing. I will think of your grounding techniques in the future.

Sex is something I want to do for me because it can be enjoyable with this aside.

Yeah, you are right. I has to be with someone you are ok with. Which is why I choose my friend. I was comfortable with him. I have been with a guy though that I knew it got as far as kissing and bj... I freaked out and it made me so much worse.

With regards to the pain, I feel more normal knowing I'm not the only one.

Sorry I haven't spoke much in this post.



RYL Family :
White_angel is my big sister
Bookworm3009 is my cousin
White_silence is my little sister
Bubblegum Netmeg is my pet monkey

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