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Old 15-06-2015, 02:47 PM   #1
EyelinerAndCigarettes
 
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Intimacy after abuse.

I really like my best friend & the other night he kissed me & it brought up a well of emotions I wasn't expecting, so I'm wondering how others cope/was able to be intimate with someone they love after they've experienced abuse?







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Old 15-06-2015, 03:06 PM   #2
Bellatrix
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I found it really hard at first to differentiate between 'good' touches and 'bad' touches.

At first, and touching immediately sent my walls up and brought back a well of memories and feelings that I just couldn't cope with. Thankfully my first sexual partner had experienced her own abuse and was understanding. We didn't have sex very often.

I then dated a boy which was different. I suddenly had a penis to contend with and all I'd known about them was pain, hurt, vulnerability and abuse. I explained a bit about why I was closed off about sex and he was understanding. We talked a lot about what was okay and what wasn't and agreed to tr and take things slowly. I think talking is the best thing you can do.

Now I'm in a relationship with Jenna and I still have my days when I can't differentiate good and bad touches and all touches feel bad. But she's the most understanding person in the world and puts up with my lack of interest in sex. I feel guilty because I want to be able to give her a normal sex life, but I can't. We talk a lot about what's okay and what isn't and make sure to get consent each time we are intimate.

I think the best way to cope is to talk. To make sure the other person known what's going on so they can support you. Eventually you will learn the difference between good and bad touches, it takes time and you may need to go over the same thing multiple times. But it is possible.

I don't think i'll ever have a healthy sex life because of my experiences, but I'm with someone I trust implicitly and can enjoy being intimate with her because we talk and check things are okay frequently and stop when I or she wants.

So talk. That's the best advice I can give.

You can do this. You can have a healthy intimate life if you trust the other person.

Love you <3




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Old 15-06-2015, 08:50 PM   #3
[SundayGirl]
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In my experience, if you are with somebody you trust/love/care for it's a lot easier. I expressed my concerns and they where taken on board & dealt with. Take things slow and try to relax, remember what you are doing is not wrong it's loving & normal.
If there a certain things that trigger you, like being touched in a certain way etc tell them, tell them if you feel scared so they can change their approach and make you feel safe.

I have flashbacks to my rape frequently but being with somebody hasn't been an issue since I worked on it with somebody who, at the time, I loved.



I am not a freak..
I was born with my freedom.



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Old 17-06-2015, 11:56 AM   #4
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This is a tough one. I think the main thing is communication; before, during and after intimacy. Take things slow so that you can identify how you respond to different things. Remember you can't rush it, and if you're finding it hard you have every right to stop and step back from it.

Personally, I struggle with the idea of sex and its not something I'm overly interested in. So, for my wife that means accepting that, for now, its a bit of a rarity but we're intimate in so many other ways, by cuddling/sharing our lives/sharing our emotions. If sex is just not right for you for now, that's allowed.

As an additional point, a friend of mine who experienced a lot of abuse has found her own way of dealing with it. She has sex pretty often but never in the way the abuse took place, so she uses bondage and kink stuff to make it a totally different way of being intimate, and being in control.

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