Abuse? *Contains sexual events*
I'm pretty confused. I haven't been on RYL in quite some time, but decided to come back because I know I can be open here without judgement! So here goes:
I have been in counseling for a few months now for depression / anxiety and SI.
It takes a lot for me to open up and I've only been giving my therapist a few details about me at a time. Recently (a few weeks now) I have been having nightmares we a recurring theme. In these dreams I am taken, or held captive by either an unknown male, or a male / female team. Sometimes I am taken and held captive, being tortured in various ways. Sometimes I'm taken and sexually abused or forced into a prostitution type situation.
In reality, I'm not sure if certain things that have happened to me are classified as abuse, molestation, or assault -- or maybe nothing at all. So I'm hoping if I give a description of the events, I can gain advice on whether what happened would be considered any of the above.
#1 - my mother was on drugs pretty badly, and on day picked up a stranger on the interstate and brought him to our home. The man (Carlos), my
Mom and her friend were drinking in the kitchen and playing cards. I was given the job of refilling their beer as they ran out. After some time it was decided that Carlos would stay the night, and he would be sleeping in my room. I was asked to take him upstairs and show him where to stay. While upstairs (alone) with Carlos, he sat on the bed and called me over. Me, being only 10/11 at the time, did as I was told. When I got to him he asked me to give him a kiss. I acted like I did not hear him and began to do something else. He called me over again with the same request. This time I have a quick kiss on the cheek. He asked for another on the lips and kissed me. I then went downstairs to find my mom and her friend gone, they had taken his car somewhere. I went upstairs and layed in my sisters bed, he followed me in and got into the bed with me, laying behind me with his arms wrapped around me and pulling me close. After a few minutes I made an excuse to get up, and ran downstairs to lock myself in another room. He of course followed, banging on the door and trying to get in. Fortunately he did not get in and then left when my mother returned.
#2 - I was now living with my grandmother and was 13/14 years old. We went to her boyfriends house for a holiday meal and he wanted to show me his underground storm shelter. While we were down there alone he kept talking about how comfortable the bed was and wanted me to test it out. I was hesitant, but he insisted. When I finally sat on the bed he kissed me. I then left the shelter and went into the house. I eventually told my grandmother, but she blamed it on his alcoholism and continued the relationship, even giving him a key to the house. He would come over when she was at work and bang on my bedroom door, asking me to go places with him. I stayed locked in the room all day.
#3 - I was now 14 and just starting high school. My friend was a year younger and dating a man from the military in his early twenties. One weekend we planned a sleepover and I was unaware that her boyfriend had brought a friend along with him of the same age. Her mother bought alcohol and a sex game and everyone was encouraged to play and drink. My friend eventually passed out and I was to the point of barely being able to walk. The friend, Mark approached me and stated he wanted me to preform oral sex. I said I didn't think it was a good idea, but he continued asking and placed my hand on his genitals. Someone walked into the room and so he got up asking me to follow him. Without asking he began to take off his clothes and mine. He put himself into my mouth and eventually carried me into a room and had sex with me (vaginally and anal). I was too intoxicated to fight back or say no. I tried to get words to come out but they wouldn't, so he did what he wanted, called me a stupid bitch and left the room. I had no way to leave so I eventually passed out, only to wake up with him passed out on top of me. I was able to get from under him without waking him and got my things and began to walk home as I searched for a ride.
I'm not sure if I should bring any of these things up to my counselor. I don't know if any of this is abuse or anything of that nature. The first 2 situations did not end in anything sexual, and the third I feel was my fault. Any advice?