I didn't go out. I'm pretty much a wimp when it comes to the cold. I don't mind the rain just don't want to be cold, I suppose I should just find a way to wrap up. I have thoughts about the things I need to be doing and should be doing and at this time of the evening I usually think tomorrow will be a better day and I will do more with my day but I never do. Today the productive things I've done have been to change my bed sheets and put a washing on and I know they are achievements but I feel like I should be doing so much more. I am aware that there are things I can't do right now and that makes it worse because my brain is under stimulated.
I live life mostly on my own and wish I could be more comfortable around people so I could have a bit more interaction and good relationships. I am trying with going to the gym group and stuff. I should be going to a creative writing group on Friday which might become a regular thing. I also said to my CPN I'd see about going to a walking group and go to a community cafe with one of my friends but it seems too much to be doing in the one go. My CPN is ok with me taking things at my pace I think though.
I'm just over 2 weeks self harm free now but it's not an achievement. Self harm does nothing for me any more, it makes me feel worse a lot of the time so I remind myself that I can't do it to the extent that it satisfies me any more. I long to cause myself some serious damage.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm struggling to find ways to keep my mind occupied. I feel like I'm not doing enough that is stimulating but I can't deal with things like puzzles and learning things any more. I made a weekly planner to remind myself to do one main activity most days and to every day try to do some walking, do some housework, and have 3 snacks maximum. I wish I could find something that would make me feel content. What I have in life doesn't feel like enough for me but I don't know what I do want. I can only think of how much I wish I could still self harm as 'well' as I used to.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I found this craft called paint by sticker where no paint is involved just placing stickers to form a picture. I just finished my first book and received the second in the mail. Totally mindless and nice finished product in the end. If you want look it up on amazon.
Sorry I'm not around much or able to post supportive replies at the moment. I had a thought last night that usually I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff with a huge weight threatening to pull me down. Now I am standing on the edge with the huge boulder coming towards me and I'm trying to hold it back. I'm still on the edge with a weight to bear. How long before it pushes me back down? I know from many past experiences that these more positive moments can't last. I'm already feeling the hopelessness creeping back in and the need to talk to someone but I can't find the words. I ended up self harming despite not being able to do it to the extent that it helps. I just felt like there was nothing else I could do.
I remember one time in hospital I was in a good mood and then it came crashing down and I ended up hurting myself. The nurses said they didn't understand why I did it since I had a good day. It's harder to fall from a height than to fall from a level ground. I'm not allowed to feel better for long, and maybe that's ok. I am a bad person who doesn't deserve good things and I can't make things alright for my brother so I shouldn't have anything positive either. I'm really longing to do myself some serious damage but I know I can't. I no longer have the skills. I am an absolute failure.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I get like that, when you're on top of the world one min and the next you crash and feel like shit. It's absolutely horrible the way mood can switch in a second. Sorry youve been through that stuff but that doesn't mean you're a bad person that doesn't deserve good.
My cuts are fine, as I said I can barely cause myself any damage now. I'm still doing ok, holding back the boulder most of the time. It scares me to know that this ok feeling will likely end at some point, I can't hold on to the moment. I haven't felt this motivated in a long time. When I go to bed I keep wanting to make plans to do something risky because that's what I know and I do kind of miss it but I don't miss the overwhelming emotional pain. Usually when I get up the next day I change my mind about doing risky things anyway, I wouldn't do anything unless I was really distressed. At night I am more distressed but when I go to bed I can stay in bed and I have been sleeping a bit better over the past couple of nights so that's good. Just waiting for everything falling apart.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
as everyone eles says theres not much really anyone can do or say for you right now apart from just read what you wrote and hope that by you keep getting it out of you some how on here or with your cpn and receving lots of love that you manage to hold on just another day and then another. Some times the trick is to take it an hour at a time and hope that soon, it wont hurt so damn bad. Sending all my love a hugs.. xxxx
Thanks for asking Aubergine. I'm still doing mostly better than usual. Haven't had any acute suicidal points for a while. I saw my CPN yesterday and had a good talk with her. I feel achey emotionally and in need of a proper talk with someone more regularly. My emotions changed so much even just while in the waiting area for my appointment. She said my previous OT said she's glad I'm taking more control of things and that she will help me look into things if I want. I told my CPN that feels a bit overwhelming, mostly because when I was seeing the OT she pushed me so much and I kept failing at everything and she wasn't listening to what I needed and what I could and couldn't do. My CPN seems to get it for now anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I get what you mean about the OT. I often feel that about my OT.
It’s good you had a talk with your cpn. Keep talking to her, since it’s clearly helpful.
I'm feeling low and hopeless again. I met up with someone from an organisation about starting with them to do some gardening/outdoors stuff on their site, they focus on getting volunteers who have mental health problems so I though it might be a safe thing to try. I really don't think I can even give it a shot. I was so overwhelmed just getting a tour of the place from a very nice lady. It's all so unfamiliar to me and I could feel myself skipping between feeling anxious to dissociating a little. I didn't feel able to tell the lady that I don't think I can do it. She signed me up to come on the 20th from 9am to 3pm, I can't deal with long days like that and there isn't an option to do a half day because they have pick up times because the site isn't accessible via bus or walking. I don't think I could even do a half day anyway, it seems far too much to deal with. I'm such a failure. I'm going to phone my CPN because the lady asked if I would let her know how the visit went or if she would phone my CPN so I said I'd phone her. I don't know if my CPN will understand or will tell me to at least try. This is something I don't think I can survive even a trial of. I actually just can't do anything worthwhile in life. I thought that I was only built to endure but even enduring things is becoming too much. I cut myself but not badly. I want to destroy myself. I want to end my existence.
My brother is on a short trip away with his partner and he didn't enjoy the flight and didn't get any sleep the night before so when they had problems with booking things he said that literally nothing is going right this year. Today he said he's much better because he had a good sleep and the booking thing got sorted anyway. Maybe right now he's ok but I'm sure he has much more not ok times than ok times. A lot of it is my fault because of the mess I made when we were growing up. I feel powerless, but a part of me wonders if I can figure out rituals to do to help him or find a way to sacrifice myself. For now I don't have the brain energy or the physical energy to think or do anything about it. I long to put myself in a dangerous situation. I hate myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I promise your are not a failure. It’s ok to admit if something is too much. Maybe you could look into volunteer opportunities that only require a couple of hours a week. That might be a more realistic start. You could try the volunteer Scotland website.
I’m sorry your brother is struggling, but that’s not your fault. You sound like a caring sister and it’s good you are there for him. That’s all you can do and I’m sure he will appreciate it. Is his partner supportive?
I’m sorry you self harmed and I do hope you are taking care of the wound. Is there anything that has helped in the past to stop you self harming?
Thanks. I put off phoning my CPN today because I've been feeling really low and didn't want to try and explain that I don't think I can even attempt to do any more things than I am right now. I need to talk to someone today about how I'm feeling but don't think I will. It's probably too late to phone my CPN now and I don't want to phone her on Monday because she'll probably have lots of messages from people who have struggled over the weekend. I was at the creative writing group and I saw my support worker in the office and had a general chat with him. I need to talk about how I'm feeling though. I only feel able to confide in people who know me quite well just now so I don't know if I'd be able to talk to anyone from crisis.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
