I'm not sure what it is exactly, I know that April does remind me of being in hospital, because as mentioned I'm usually very low in April, but that doesn't explain why it began that way.
I thought about your earlier questions and broke my homework done into what I needed to do and get some more bits done, so that's helped me to feel more in control of that, thank you.
Sam, planning something after the presentation sounds like a nifty idea. Unfortunately I have class, class and psychologist afterwards but maybe I can have a DVD night snuggled in bed when I get home! (I usually feel unwell after seeing psychologist so that will work doubley well).
Thanks all for the support, I really appreciate it x
A lot of people have cycles of depression throughout the year. It could be that your moods are influenced somewhat by the weather.
I know my moods have their own cycles although they don't usually correspond with weather. I'm definitely worse in early winter and late spring/ summer.
How are you going?
How did you go with breaking down the uni work?
It is interesting about April, is it in anyway significant for you apart from being in hospital? I'm sure you've thought about it before but I thought I'd ask if anything major had happened in April before.
It sucks that you have so much on after your presentation. A DVD night snuggled up sounds good!
Thanks so much for posting. There's been a few things going on.
Firstly, most related to this thread, is I was talking honestly and openly about how I felt with my psychologist and she suggested I tell my psychiatrist and try and get on mood stabilisers, because my moods appear to be verging on mania. That was really validating because it is something I suspected for a long time but until recently hadn't done much research in, and considered nobody would take me seriously. Seeing my psychiatrist May 31st.
The bad news, and why I've been a bit absent, is my grandmother died last night. I miss her a lot and it has been very difficult. I also chose to see the body and say a final goodbye on the night that she had died which is an image that has stuck in my head - but - I am very glad I got to say my goodbyes at that point. I miss her like hell though.
So, in short.
I feel validated that my psychologist independently rated my symptoms as problematic and potentially mania and suggested medication change. That is giving me hope because I know I can go with that to the psychiatrist at the end of the day (I'm scared about getting my hopes up, mindyou).
Things are busy, but my sadness is all being channelled into my grandma's death, her funeral next week, and being with family. I have a mountain of work to do which is stressful but for now, I feel less suicidal, and like I can see what my psychiatrist says at the end of May.
Thank you all so much for your support. Bonus points if you read all this.
DVD time!
xxx
Last edited by Snow White. : 02-05-2012 at 11:16 AM.
Here's hoping you can get through until the end of May and I hope the medication change helps with improving your mood. I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
I'm so sorry your grandmother died. That's awful. But it sounds like you are being very strong. I'm so sorry for your loss though. If you want to talk about your memories of her you can here.
Great job on speaking openly and honestly with your psychologist! Well done. It's great that you got that validation from her. I hope the appointment comes around soon and your psychiatrist takes on board what your psychologist has said.
I hope you can get the work done, remembering to break it down into manageable chunks. You are doing great.
I will be thinking of you during this hard time.
Take gentle care
Ash
I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you at the moment. But I'm very glad you talked so openly to your psychologist and that your feelings were validated. Is there anything they can help you to work with to help control your moods a bit until you see the psychiatrist?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother too, I can understand how difficult things are at the moment. If it's any comfort at all, it is my experience that that final image is not the one that will stick in your mind for longest, although I know how sad that image and seeing that is.
How are you feeling today? It sounds like you're being very strong, but remember that it is ok to let people know if you're struggling too, on here and in real life. Talk as much as you need to about everything, and give yourself a break with the things you need to do - manageable steps, small targets, and rest as well.
Thank you all so much, I really appreciate the support.
I'm struggling a fair bit today, but it looks like I may have the whole weekend off work which I wasn't expecting so that will help in me doing some work and taking a bit of time out today to grieve.
I want to keep talking about her. I really miss her. And because I miss her I want to do what I do when I usually miss her, and go visit her. But she's not there any more.
Thank you. x
Thank you all, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. These times I really need social support. I've told my friends and people on facebook so I can get that support and it's just been so valuable. So thank you.
My psychologist just reminded me to keep doing self-soothing things to try and level my moods out and keep me safe, so that has been something I've been doing a bit more keenly.
Thank you all so much, I REALLY appreciate your support.
I'm really sad and scared about the viewing tomorrow, and the funeral monday. It's too real and I don't like it. And I'm scared of seeing her again, even though this time she'll be so peaceful. Or, appear more peaceful.
I am trying to study but I just want to curl in a ball and cry.
I went to my Aunties today because I'm alone this weekend. It helped but had to come home, so I'm here alone now. I don't want tomorrow to come :(
I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry to bump this but I'm not coping and I'm very scared about the viewing, but I want to go. This all just feels so hard right now I cant even understand it but maybe I'm overreacting but I can't deal with this.
Even if you have no words, even hugs would be appreciated xx
Hi Aimee,
Im sorry about your grandma.
Seeing someone you love as a still body is really hard. Can you go to the viewing with your aunty so she can support you or even with anyone you are close too.
Couldnt you stay with your aunty today and then go to the funeral tomorrow together?
Stay safe... And stay strong x
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
I remember viewing my nana when I was younger. I remember her hair being straight when it always used to be curly. Other than that she looked asleep and peaceful. I think if it's somethig you want to do then go for it but go easy on yourself.
I went to see my mum the day before her funeral. I saw my nan and granddad before their funerals also. I was terrified before I went to see my mum - terrified that that is how I would always remember her, terrified of seeing her like that, all of it.
But although it might sound odd, it wasn't 'as bad' as I expected it to be. It was awful obviously, the moment when I first saw her was horrible, and it hurt a hell of a lot. But afterwards, I was so so glad I had done it. It was, as you said, more peaceful, which was slightly comforting.
Would you feel more comfortable going in with somebody else? Even if that means just walking in with them, and then them leaving you to have some time alone together. Or is there anything they can do to help you? When I went to see my mum, they had a desk with notepaper on so that you could write a note to your loved one. Would that be something to focus on doing, maybe writing a note before you go? Or looking through some photos to take with you or anything like that?
Remember that you don't have to do it if it doesn't feel right tomorrow. My brother chose not to do it because he didn't feel the need to. But it sounds like you want to do it, so try to remind yourself that you will remember the good and happy times again.
Have you got anything to do after the viewing tomorrow? Maybe you can try to do something to look after yourself afterwards, something that you can do to relax yourself.
Look after yourself, and keep talking about it as much as you need to, you will get through this. xx
Thanks for the support, it means a lot to me. I woke up so panicked but saw this and felt calmer, so thank you.
Dash, I'm suppose I am scared the emotions are going to be too overwhelming, or I'll make a scene crying, or I'll get scared and feel sick again like when I saw her after she had just passed in hospital.
Tinkles, thank you. My mum is spending some time with me today so we'll go to the viewing together, and my Dad is home for the funeral so I've asked him to take me.
Tinkles I also really appreciate the quote in your signature right now, thank you. Actually Liv yours is really sweet, too <3
Thanks Sam & Liv. Amybean :3 hehe.
Liv I really appreciate hearing your experience, even though I know it was very painful for you thank you for sharing it with me. I am planning on writing a note. What did you do with the note you wrote - if you don't mind me asking? I like the idea of putting it with her, I really do, but I'm too scared to ask if that is okay.
Thank you all so much.
I feel like it shouldn't be this hard, but it is, and I have to accept that.
I'm glad you found that on the website. I placed the note with my mum, and it can be very comforting afterwards to know your words will always be with them, so I hope you find the same with your note.
When I was having counselling with the hospice, one of the things they often said is not to think in 'shoulds'. Try not to tell yourself that it shouldn't be this hard. It is ok to feel however you feel, there's so many horrible feelings and there's nothing anyone can do to make it ok.
Try to remember also that if things are too overwhelming with the viewing, if you get there and you don't feel you can cope with it, you can leave again. Some people find they end up being there a long time, others go in and come straight back out again.
It's ok to cry there too, nobody would see it as making a scene. It's a place where a lot of people will cry, and they will be absolutely used to that.
Thank you Petite Souris, I really appreciate that. Part of me feels like I should be okay because she was my grandma and my mother (it was her mother) seems quite okay. But we were close and she was my only grandparent and I love her so much, and your post helps me to know that it is okay that I am finding this tough. Thank you x
And Liv, thank you again. I know you're struggling right now and that you've taken the time to reply to me and help me through this really does mean the world to me. I feel a bit more comfortable about tonight's viewing now that I've written my letter, put a photo in there too. I certainly will try and not to the "shoulds"... I have been doing a lot of them and it's not helping. You words have been so helpful I expect I'll re-read them in the next few days when things get tough. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Hope you're doing okay sweet xx