I'm scared. I don't know what to do any more. Everything is crumbling from under me and I can't control anything. Everyone is after me, they are after me. I'm scared. I can't think clearly, everything is a blur all the time. I feel dizzy and sick and tired. I can't fight any longer and I'm wondering if anything is worth fighting for. I don't know why I am here, what is my purpose, am I good at anything in life? Will I ever amount to anything, be a somebody? I don't want to die, I don't want them to get me but if I keep running then they will hurt everyone I love... I need to face them but I'm scared I won't be strong enough, that I'll mess it all up and hurt those I care about.
I'm sorry I don't have many words or advice but I am reading. I care about you so much and want to be there for you.
You are never, ever alone!
You are one of the most beautiful, caring, funny, amazing people I know. You have helped me more than words can say and I know you'll get through this. I'll be with you every step of the way.
Love you <3
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Hey lovely, I'm sorry things are so awful just now. Who do you think is after you? It must be really scary feeling like that. I don't think the people you care about will be hurt, certainly not because of you. That is a lot of pressure to be putting on yourself.
Could you reach out to someone at the moment? Maybe tonight try doing something nice for yourself, get some rest if you can. I'm here if you want to talk or anything. Thinking of you xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Thank you Emma. I love you too, your words mean so much to me - as does our friendship. I'm sorry to have loaded everything on you when you have so much going on already. <3
Hannah, thank you for the reply. They are after me, the bad people... the people I should have gone with, the people I should have obeyed, the ones I now need to run from. They did bad stuff before and they can do it again... I have to get away from them. Can't you hear them? They are everywhere... I walk down the street, they are there calling my name... I'm sitting in a lecture they are stood at the windows. They inhabit peoples bodies and get to me that way. They are after me. I don't know who I would talk to, no one takes me seriously... I told the doctors once, they just turfed me out... they don't take me seriously... I'm scared.
that all is very scary. i can see why you're so distressed. *hugs*
it sounds to me like your mind is confused right now... sort of stuck in a dream, even though you're awake. because in dreams, things that are highly highly improbable, or even impossible, seem to make total sense. we don't question the totally odd things that happen in dreams, we don't realize that they aren't real. some of the things you're describing are possible, but incredibly unlikely, and others are impossible. i know that it doesn't feel like they aren't real, but the truth is that they aren't.
what do you mean by "the doctors turfed me out"? (sorry, im just not familiar with the phrase)... im guessing that it means that they didn't do anything?
have you gotten enough sleep recently? being sleep deprived can make this a lot worse.
could you do something soothing for yourself right now?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
It's all real. I know it is, it's just hard to explain. Thank you for the hugs and kind words.
'the doctors turfed me out' means that I was in hospital seeking help and they discharged me without any treatment. They didn't care, they offered no help, didn't take me seriously. This is why I can' tell my new doctor... she won't believe me.
My sleep pattern has always be weird. I get a good quantity of sleep but a bad quality. I sleep for long hours but have nightmares all night and so fight a lot in my sleep. I wake up just as tired as I was when I went to bed.
I'm watching one of my favourite tv programs atm to try and relax.
I don't think my current doctor will take me seriously... I've told her about other things and she put me on meds and left me to try and sort out any other support... then I OD'd and she took me off the meds and now gives me no support... it was the hospital that referred me to CMHT, and after months of fighting with them I'm finally getting somewhere... I just go round and round in circles with my doctor...
They are hurting my nan... she is ill, she's getting worse. I'm not doing what they want, I'm not letting them use me, I'm running from them and so they are hurting her.
And they are hurting my mum too, and two of my closest friends... it's all my fault - they are being punished when it's me who should be hurt, its my punishment they are taking. It's not fair.
I know what I have to do, I need to stop running, I need to give in to them - let them hurt me again. I know what I have to do but it's so so hard, I'm scared. I don't want to do what they want but I have to. I have to.
I know it feels real but that doesn't mean it is. I think the best way to make this go away is to try to get help. I know it's demoralising when you've tried to get help and gotten nowhere but that doesn't mean that there's no help out there- you have to keep trying.
TC
x
"I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning"
Stevie Smith
I'm scared and don't know what to do... I can't run anymore, they are going to get me. I'm going to hurt everyone, if I don't do what they want, what they say, everyone I love will get hurt.
I'm only going to hurt you all, get away whilst you still can... I'll hurt you. I hurt everyone I love and care about - they make me hurt you. You need to get away from me as soon as you can, can't you see? I'm damaged, I'm used, I'm useless, I'm only going to hurt you all. Why can't you see this, why are you all blinded to the truth?
They will make me hurt you. I need to protect you, and the only way that will happen is if you all forget me, forget you ever knew me. Erase me from your lives, I'll only hurt you otherwise.
Today has proved that I'll only hurt people. I hurt my ex best friend... I hurt her badly, and I don't know - I feel bad but at the same time I got hurt too and I know my actions led to me getting hurt so does that mean I don't have the right to be upset?
If she reads this then I hope she doesn't think I'm trying to get people to feel sorry for me...
Idk, I guess I am just an attention seeking little bitch who hurts everyone around her and is not worthy of living.
EDIT: It's going be ok isn't it? I'm going to be ok? I'm sorry, just need some reasurrance, someone to talk to? I keep spacing out, my thoughts aren't connecting, I'm scared... am I ever going to be ok? Will they always be chasing me...? I just want to be ok.
Last edited by On.My.Way : 07-04-2012 at 08:42 PM.
Reason: Adding stuff
I know I keep bumping this and I'm sorry but I could really use some support. Everything keeps going wrong and my world is crumbling below me and I can't control anything which is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do and I can't resort to my main coping mechanism and I really want to do something bad. I can't do this any more. I can't pretend to be ok when I'm not, I can't do it... I just want some support, someone to love me... someone, anyone, please? Or am I that unloveable that no one cares?
I'm sorry... these are all things that are going round my head right now, I want to cry but I don't want to. I want to scream but nothing comes out, I want to od but there is nothing to od with... I want to die but I actually want to beat this.
For everything that happened last night, I'm truly sorry. You lovely ladies didn't deserve to see me like that/deal with it. I'm sorry I wasn't in control and everything got way too out of hand and I feel so so bad for not being able to remember anything and so I just wanted to apologise for my actions. If I could take them back I would but I can't, so all I can do is say sorry and promise you all I'll get help. <3
I'm having all the evil thoughts this evening and really want to do something bad... I can't stop thinking that everyone hates me and would be so much better without me being around being a burden on them.
I don't know what to do - I can't sleep, everything is going round and round my brain. I'm close to doing something bad and I don't trust myself but I'm alone at Uni and there is no one who can come and be physically with me.
Firstly, let me reassure you that
1. I don't hate you (in fact, I love you lots)
2. I don't see how my life (or anybody's life really) would be better without you in it ...
Secondly, I think I should know this but I still need to ask: how is the professional support going?
Thirdly: please try to stay safe. You are precious and you deserve so much better than this <3
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