I desperately need help. I think my dad sexually abused me. I have tried to OD twice.
Hi, I'm just going to come out with it all.
Recently, I've been getting really vivid flashbacks and memories of my father touching me sexually when I was around 5/6. I know it was around that age because my mom told mee that when I was 5 she took my sister and I to a safehouse because she suspected he was sexually abusing me. Social services were contacted but they couldn't prove anything so they had to let him see me. They split up and he took my sister and I for weekeneds. He was always extremely violent and physically abused my mom for the length of their relationship. He used to hit me too, but not to the same extent.
I'm going to describe my memories now:
- I remember constantly seeing my dad naked. I remember the shape of his penis too. Why would I have been seeing my dad naked so much?
- I remember him bathing me a lot and I remember him touching me a lot and me laughing at it as though he was tickling me.
- I remember a bed. I remember it being red with pink flowers on it. I seem to remember his hands touching me in my private parts.
- I remember being naked around him, on our own, far too much.
My memories are extremely vague. I remember being extremely sexual when younger; I started masturbating at a young age, when I shouldn't have even known what it was! I started having dreams (or more appropriately, nightmares) about my dad raping me a few years ago. Why don't I have them about anybody else? It must mean something, right?
I am still in contact with him, every weekend. Well, I've been going less and less lately. Our relationship is ok; you can tell he loves me and he would do anything for me, but I can't let this go! He doesn't know anything about this right now.
I tried to take my own life a month ago, and ended up in hospital. It wasn't serious though and I was allowed out. Last week I ran away and took some sleeping pills. This time people took notice and a doctor spoke to me about everything. He told the police who came to speak to me: I told them (not exactly what I remember, but general things) and they said that if I ever want to make a compliant then they would be there.
What should I do? I go to university next yr. Should I just wait it out? Or should I go to the police, get it investigated and start to try and deal with this?
Do you think I was sexually abused or is my mind making these images up?
That is really hard. All I would say is that much of the memories could easily be completely innocent. Lots of families spend time naked, and a child would probably stare at a big dangly thing on a man. Also, even tiny babies masturbate so that is completely normal too.
Obviously some of the stuff definitely isn't innocent, but whether it is real or not is impossible to say. Have you ever spoken to your sister about it? Or your mother?
Hi, thanks for your reply.
I have spoken to my sister about it. She says that absolutely nothing happened to her as far as she knows. I recently told my mom about it and she believes me, and is trying to stop me from seeing him ever again (she won't let me go see him). I don't want to see him again but it'll cause so many complications! I told my teacher about this ages ago too, she was the first to know about it.
Is there really any point in going to the police about this? My (very vague) memory will surely be laughed at in court?
How old are you? Not sure about the laws in England but in the states if you're under 18, it's reported to child protective services.
When I went to file a report (in the States, mind you), I just did a videotaped interview with a woman investigator. She asked me questions and such, had me indicate which body parts were touched & the like.
I was around 13 then, though. When you're older, they are more direct with you and just ask questions typically, or ask you to dictate what you experienced.
You would not have to talk in court if you don't want to. Court only happens when you decide to press charges & they want your testimony. As far as who they would talk to after the report, probably some higher-ups (as I recall, there were 3-4 investigators viewing the interview through a live feed that took notes, but I never saw them) and just file it as a report/complaint.
In my case, my abuser & his family was notified of my report/complaint. They never contacted me but told the police that he didn't do anything.
My teacher went with me and waited outside when I gave my report. If you feel she would be of support, I'd ask her.
If you have that distinct of memories, it is very possible they are real. especially since you said your mother suspected it. It is totally up to you whether you want to go to the police. If you're not sure, you could write a pros and cons list of all the things that would happen if you reported it. *hugs*
whereabouts in england do you live? i know that around london and manchester there are a large number of SA/ rape crisis centres and I'm sure there are many across england. at a lot of them you can arrange to see an off-duty police officer (woman) to explain your thoughts and she will tell you what will happen, all off the record. I saw one once and it was helpful although I had no intention of going to the police at the time. that might be really useful - to get the information specific to your case.
it would also be really helpful to have counselling but i hesitate to suggest that because there are a lot of cases of counsellors/ therapists inadvertantly helping the creation of false memories, and as your memories are so vague they are susceptible to that.
Thank you for all the replies. I called the police up today but the officer that I needed to speak to wasn't in so I just said "I want to report what happened" and the woman on the phone took my number and said she'll get him to call me back. That was this morning and I've had no call yet.
Scared of asking my teacher to come with me. She was kinda distant today, didn't seem to want to talk to me, presumably because she thinks I'm weird now that I OD'd last week and the police informed the school. That's kinda upsetting seeing as she was my only form of support right now, but oh well.
First we want to say we think you are very brave for sharing this - well done! :)
Second we feel like we need to ask you what you want to gain from reporting him. In no way are we saying it is the wrong thing to do - in no way - we just were wondering what you wanted from the process, as there might be less traumatic ways to get what you need. For example counselling/therapy etc, if what you wanted was to be heard, validated and supported.
Like has been said before, even if your memories were concrete (more solid than ' extremely vague') it will be terribly hard for a case to be made against him, there is just so little evidence. If you want a conviction - if that is your goal - we would be very worried that you would find they can't prosecute him with the amount of evidence they have.
We hope you are able to speak with the police officer you were looking to talk to, let us know how things are going.
The officer is probably busy, he will probably call back soon, maybe make another phone call in a day or two?
Do you know why your mum doesn't want you to go to the police?
We'd want to ask her why she disagrees with your choice.
We don't know, or have a view on whether it is the 'right' or 'wrong' choice going to the cops, but we were thinking it might be a good thing for you, to work out why it is you feel you need to go to the police?
If one of your main concerns is having him stay away from you/not have acess, so to speak, would you consider filing a restraining order or an intervention order? We aren't sure how it works over in England, but it might be something you'd want to ask the police about.
Do you see a therapist or psych?
Working through the memories and feelings could be really helpful for you. Expressing what is going on for you, the things you remember and getting validation. It can also help with a sense of closure.
Like we said, we're worried you will go through the whole ordeal with the police and perhaps some lawyer stuff, only to find it won't hold up in court...
He keeps ringing up us constantly and threatening us. I really need to go to the police soon before he does something to either me or my mom. I'm scared. I want to go the police primarily because I believe it's the right thing to do; nobody should be allowed to get away with this and even seeing him being put through such intense pressure (even if he isn't convicted!) will be worth it. I do have "evidence" too, so to speak. My nan thinks he did too (my mom's mother, mind). But I also want the police involved so that, legally, he cannot see me or visit me or hurt me.
if all else fails, you should be able to get a restraining order put on him, which will involve a lot less evidence from the past. you would need to talk about how scared he makes you, the threats he's making, how you feel that you and your mother and maybe others are at risk. that would definitely get a restraining order I think, and maybe more. and then, if he calls again, he will be in a lot of trouble.
I just want to say how much I admire you :) going to the police is definitely the right thing to do if somebody wrongs you, but is easier often said than done, in my experience.