Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - The eyes of an Eight year old
My story, through an eight year olds eyes.
Triggering maybe so please take care.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering
Hi my names Katherine, the average eight year old, small, blonde hair, blue eyes, growing up, having fun. Take a look through the eyes of me.
Mummy and daddy go out sometimes. Leave me and my brother with Gavin. Gavin's a nice person, lifeguards down the pool, he always gets me with the cold hose every time, makes me scream. Hes cool and i like him looking after us.
Gavin has a cousin, Philip. He's not like Gavin. Philips much bigger and rounder. He likes to drink beer. Philip comes round to help with me and my brother. I prefer Gavin but Philip is still cool. Me and my brother just usually play with his weird building things while Gavin and Philip drink beer. I like to stand on Philips slippers while he walks around the house with me on his feet. Very fun.
Bed time comes around. Gavin goes with my brother and philip comes up with me. Quick good night to Gavin and brother then i scramble into my bed in my pink nighty. Philip stares out the window for sometime then closes my curtains and leans over my bed. You see i have a bunk bed, i like to sleep on the top. Philip rubs my arm through the wooden bars of my bed. I'm not tierd and don't want to sleep. I want to stay up with Gavin. Philip came up with another idea. He calls it our seceret bed time game, the humps. The game is only ours he says, and i must abide by the rules or the game ends. He gets me out of bed and makes me stand on the wooden little chair under my window, i see all the pretty street lamps in the dark. Philip still has his can of beer with him, hes constantly taking sips. Anyway, the rule of the game is, i stay looking out of the window until Philip says i can look round. So i do that. I stare out the window for about 10 minutes. My pink nighty has to come off, Philip says. Its cold but its the rule of the game. His trousers come down and his hand dissapears behind me. I count the street lamps, and all the houses and cars over and over again. I feel his breath getting louder running down my kneck. After about 10 mins i am aloud to look around. Philip's trousers are back up, he places my nighty back on me, picks me up and places me in bed. Tucks me in and says goodnight, something i don't get from mummy and daddy. He turns around, takes his beer, turns the light off and wonders off downstairs.
Gavin and Philip are very good to me. A few weeks ago, i had fallen backwards of my bunk bed and spaced out for a bit, my mummy put me to bed in their room for a bit but they went out, Gavin and Philip were back round. They came up to see me, took me downstairs to watch TV with them. I felt much better. I was getting looked after. That night Philip said we could play a longer secert bed time game because i had been hurted. We did the normal i look out the window while he plays the game, puts me in bed but this time Philip climbs up the ladder still with his trousers off and makes me give him a hug goodnight. He grabs my hands and makes me play with him, he said i'm tickling him and that i'm good. He said i had to close my eyes and open my mouth so i did, Something enters my mouth, i feel his breath again run down my kneck. I tryed to pull away but he said noo this is the game, the special game. I carry on. After about 5 minutes he moves away and lets me open my eyes, Passes me my orange drink and says that was a good special game. He putted me to bed and said good night, turned the light off and he dissapeard...
Okay i'm not very good at writing and the idea of writing it through and eight year olds eyes didnt really work. Anyway this my story, not so bad but something i got told to write to try and help me now. I am now 17 and not coping very well with it all. I don't exactly know what happend when i had to look out the window, he just played around with me i guess, its something i will never no and something i am going to have with me forever. I do blame myself and after so many people telling me it's not my fault, i still blame myself and forever will. I could have stopped him. That is my story 9 years ago...
Well done for writing that sweetie I know its hard but it was very brave.
I am really sorry you had to go through that, what he did was wrong and you did not deserve it. I know it is hard to believe that it wasn't your fault even when people keep saying it but one day you will be able to see that and understand it.
From what you have said I assume some people know about what happened but have you ever had any proffesional support to help you deal with it.
Try to remember you were just a child and you couldn't have understand what was happening or stopped it.
How are you feeling now you have written that?
Take care of yourself love
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
I am seeing someone from CAMHS and she wants me to maybe talk about it so i wrote that as its hard to speak out loud. I wrote it last night and felt kinda triggerd and i did again when i wrote it out on here but i guess i feel okay at the momment.