Contains sexual abuse - sexual abuse?

[phoenix2468]

I had been thinking a lot about the only relationship I had, which was a year ago.

I still love him. A part of me waits for him and I think of him every day.

But when I look at the damage he had caused, I don't know how I can love him. But nothing in me wants to believe he intentionally harmed me. I always find a way to defend him in my mind.

I had met him in the summer 2015. I was a 19 year old virgin and he was 30 when we met. But that lasted a brief while before I had broken up with him after he had surprised me with his dick on my face(durring sexual acts but that was new to a girl that never had oral sex) and asked me if I was bipolar when I had asked him to stop. I had broken up with him over that but even though my sense of respect for myself and connection with instincts waved the way for me to be able to take the step, the few weeks that we did date were enough for me to catch feelings for him. So I had wrote him a letter telling him that I would always be there for him and he always would be someone special to me.

So, three months later he contacted me once again. We had entered once again into a very passionate relationship.

I am going to include the fact that there were forms of emotional abuse in this relation ship but that's not what I want to talk about in this forum.

Once I had started doing sexual things with him, things got out of hand a little too quickly. He would do things to me that I had never done, he never asked, he just did as he pleased sometimes. It started off as slapping until I told him not to do it during sexual acts. Once he pushed my head onto his penis with his thigh and forced it there as I was trying to free myself grasping for air. Another time he just put his ass on my face, expecting me to lick it even though I had never done such an act before.

And of course there were instances where he was way too rough for me.

Anyways, my problem with him was he was too quick, never asking me before doing a new act, just expecting to like it or comply.

But here's what made things worse. I was a victim of molestation at the age of 11. I had opened up to him about it.

Him acting impatient, taking things too fast just made me feel like he had no respect for me, my feelings or my past or my state of inexperience.

But these are the three instances where things really got bad.

One night after having alcohol, he started having sex with me, but I begged him to not push so hard. And then he said "Just take it" in a harsh voice.

I let that incident slide.

But this is when things got really ****ed up.

One night I was crying after drinking alcohol regarding this childhood molestation incident(I don't know what triggered that memory), I don't know if it was the alcohol. We were in bed together, and I apologized for crying. He turned on the lights, asked me why I was crying and threatened to slap me across the face if I didn't tell him why I was crying.

He asked me whether I had cheated. Guided me to the living room, threw my jeans at me ordering me to put it on at once. I eventually told him the real reason in which he apologized but after that incident I felt as if I could never trust him again.

I was going to block him, and abandon him from my life after that incident. But like a codependent, I just could not.

So one day after he rented a room in a house filled with guys, I went to visit him with the intentions to not have sex in a house filled with guys. When I went into his room(door was locked), he started taking off my clothes which I was fine with. Then I remember me telling him that I don't feel comfortable having sex with a house filled with guys. But I don't remember whether I had been unclear and whether I said it half a second he entered me.

He thrust inside me, and while he had sex with me, he begged me to allow him to have sex with me, with each thrust, he said "please 'my name.'" And honestly, the only reason why I said yes after he already started having sex with me, was because I wouldn't be able to take it if he had kept going without my permission.

I justified it in my mind as, him not processing my unwillingness to have sex until after he entered. Honestly, it happened all too fast.

I thought about this incident a lot, and tried to justify his actions each time. But I still don't know how to draw the line between passion and careless mistake and upright sexual abuse.

We had broken up after that, because of again his suspicions of me cheating on him even though I wasn't. I hadn't tried to get back with him after that, but I knew that one day he would return.

Anyways, it has been almost a year since we had broken up. My life is stable and my future looks fulfilling. And yet, because he was my first love, I think about him every day.

I have tried to date other guys but I could not catch feelings so I let each of them go very quickly.

But what makes me sick is that I love a man who never was respectful of my painful past, never could empathize with me and worst of all his actions may be considered sexual abuse to many. I can't come to terms with my feelings, nor do I understand them and I do not know what to do about itj.