I am so sorry to post again. I've had a lot of memories resurface this week and until this started to happen I hadn't realised how little I remember of the penetrative sex as most of my memories relate to oral Rape . I am a mess and not dealing with it well. I'm struggling with urges and tolerating this fat body. It does not feel like my own . I feel so violated and like I'm disintegrating. I have to work on Wednesday so need to cope. I just don't know anymore . I wish it was over.
Thanks Ash. I have therapy on Monday. I am a total mess. Trying to act normal is takes its toll and I just don't feel I deserve to reach out in real life. I feel so fat and unsafe in this body I don't know how to cope x
Monday is tomorrow. I know you can make it until then.
I tell myself that time is always moving forwards, it never stops, so eventually no matter how slowly it crawls past, the future will happen and the present will be yesterday. So in holding on, it will become tomorrow and you'll be at therapy where you can get help with this. Have you thought about what you will say?
In the meantime, is there anything you can do to distract yourself? Or grounding techniques that help you?
Ash x
Call me Ash :)
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore
This is not a part of me. This is a part of what is happening to me.
Hi Ash thank you I am a bit of mess again and I have started with behaviours in an attempt to cope. I feel so fat and pathetic. I am struggling to be safe. 2.30 tomorrow feels a long way away. I am trying to distract but the urges to hurt myself are strong. I cannot get the sordid images out my head. Thank you I'm sure I will be fine xx
Hi Ash thanks my therapist was really helpful but I'm struggling to feel I deserve extra help especially to interrupt behaviours. I feel so fat and flooded with memories I wish it was over x
You do deserve extra help. There is nothing wrong with extra help. It is helpful, and no-one will mind you asking.
I, personally, am very happy to offer you what little extra support I can. :)
With interrupting behaviours, it is extremely hard, but sometimes, changing your schedule slightly can help?
And I'm really pleased to hear that your appointment with your therapist went well and was so helpful!
Ash x
Call me Ash :)
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore
This is not a part of me. This is a part of what is happening to me.
Thanks I keep getting lost in it all. I went to A and E as I felt so unsafe and there advice was hold on I'm exhausted. I can't be in this fat body anymore. I feel I can't cope I keep slipping away and I can feel it again and again .
It's horrible and exhausting to experience that. I know you can hold on, though. Even if you feel like you can't cope. You can do this.
It can frustrating to just be told to hold on though... Do you have anything you enjoy doing, or any healthy coping methods or distractions? Anything you can use to help you to hold on that little bit more securely?
Ash x
Call me Ash :)
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" -Albus Dumbledore
This is not a part of me. This is a part of what is happening to me.
Hey Jessie, sorry you've been having such a difficult time. How are you doing now?
What is it about your body that you dislike? Logically, is your body actually fat, and if it were, what would be wrong with that? Sorry if that seems like a weird question, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of the feelings behind your eating disorder, so I can hopefully offer better advice!
Thanks Jenna it's like everything they ever did is written on it. It is too much . It never does what it should. It doesn't feel like it's mine. The shame and defectiveness are reinforced. I deserve nothing I'm too big.i take up too much space. I wish it would end I can't keep doing this for work for mum . I fail at everything .
I cannot take this I'm drowning. For the first time I felt a connection what has happened . Often I'm so numb and detached or it is a flashback or intrusive image. I felt the full force of it and it stole my breath. I practically fell out the train onto the platform. I staggered over by the steps to lean against them and I sobbed as every physical sensation thought feeling and emotion hit. I couldn't breath. I don't know how long I was there for. The platform was empty before I could move. I need the fat gone. It is so hopeless
You mentioned that your body doesn't do what it should; do you think part of that is possibly a consequence of your ED? I've certainly found that my recovered body behaves it a lot better than it did when I didn't give it the right nutrients.
In terms of feeling like your body has lots of awful memories, have you ever tried something like doing henna on yourself? Maybe it'd be helpful to be able to be creative and start to change all these negative associations that you have with your body.
Life sure gives some painful stuffs that are hard to forget, but always remember, this same life did give you so many sweet and nice stuffs too. Try to remember them. There are yet more good things to happen. Don't worry. Just forget the bad dream. I know how it feels.
Life could be a dream. And death could be just an awakening.
Thank you both! I feel so utterly overwhelmed! I need the fat gone the images are so intrusive. The shame is crippling me. I feel so destructive. Everything is hopeless my eating disorder funding will likely be withdrawn. I wish it was over nobody knows what to do ! I can't be an unsolvable puzzle. I just could rip the fat from this body. There is nowhere to turn .
