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Old 20-11-2016, 01:45 AM   #1
Bellatrix
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Partner not coping with my abuse (anyone have a partner like this?)

My boyfriend is really struggling to deal with the fact I was sexually abused as a child.

He doesn't think he'll be able to meet my dad without being rude and saying something.

I do not want him to say anything.

We have come to an agreement that it's my thing and therefore my choice when I tell my dad. He has sad he won't tell him until I'm ready and that he was sorry for trying to take the control away from me.

He doesn't think he'll be able to be polite to my dad. BUt I want them to get a long because I've been without a proper family for so long and I really want to have my family get along.

His parents won't like me very much even if they get to know me because they are very different to me. I am liberal and believe in stopping racism/ableism. But they are the opposite.

I feel sad because I am so happy in my relationship but I feel like I'm missing out on joining a family and finally have one.

Maybe I can make one of my own when I have kids. But I wish I had family properly.

I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice.

He looked online for partners of those who have been abused and apparently found reading about it quite insightful which is why he changed his mind on telling my dad without my position.

He wants me to work out who the man that was responsible for it all is and find him so he can stop him hurting anyone else. He thinks I'm selfish for not speaking out and putting other people at risk. That makes me feel awful.

What do I do? How do I handle this? Is there anyone out there who has a partner who was abused who can help me work through this with him.

I want us to work out.




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Old 20-11-2016, 03:04 AM   #2
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You're not selfish.
It is really, really hard to feel like the person who abused you might abuse others. B U T it is NOT your responsibility to stop him.

My boyfriend was abused by his dad as a kid and I struggle with that at times because now I am the one who has to deal with what it has done to him (well, mostly of course he has to deal with that). I found the idea of meeting Conor's dad difficult, especially as sometimes he still is an absolute d*ck to my boyfriend. But I accept that it is my boyfriend who makes the choices and he wasn't in touch with his father for years and it didn't help him to feel better. So I just have to deal with that. And I have to be nice because it will hurt my boyfriend if I am not and it won't hurt his dad and won't change what has happened.

I am glad your boyfriend read up on it and got some insight.
Maybe talk to him about why exactly it would be difficult for you to dig up your past and find the man who did it. It is a very personal choice and a personal matter and nobody can make that decision for you. You have to look after yourself and you need to feel comfortable with the choices you make. It is really unfair of him to call you selfish. Your pain is not his personal business. I can't imagine how much it hurts and I can't imagine how much worse it must be to be told you are responsible for the actions of that person after they stopped abusing you.



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Old 20-11-2016, 03:10 AM   #3
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Thanks Lana.

I do carry around a lot of guilt. I know he is responsible for his actions but I feel I should have done something so that no one else would get hurt. I wouldn't even know how to find him now and there would be no prosecution or won trial. He would be accused that's all.

Thank you for sharing your story. Could I possible ask J if he wants to chat to you about what it's like to be the partner of someone who was abused? No problem if not, he may not even want to.

I am glad he did some reading too. But he's set on me telling my dad and getting his to locate the man so he can hurt him/do something. He won't tell me what but it worries me.

I just want a family. I've never had one. Is that too much to ask?

And what do I do about my boyfriend parents? They know nothing about mental health and are very old fashioned. I'm happy to talk and educate them but apparently they are not very receptive. So I don't know what to do?




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Old 20-11-2016, 03:34 AM   #4
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I think re his parents you need to discuss it with your boyfriend.
He needs to respect how you want him to act around your dad and what he can tell him or not, so you need to do the same for him. Tell him how you would like to go about it and let him know what you would like to share with his parents and what he thinks would be the best approach.

Maybe you can just ask him how he figures you are supposed to locate and identify that man after such a long time and how he figures you should go from there without any evidence of what he did to you?

Just ask him if he would care to talk to someone who knows your history as well as what it is like to have a partner who was abused as a kid. :)

It is not too much to want a family. Everyone should have one and it is unfair that you don't get to have that.



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Old 20-11-2016, 04:08 AM   #5
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Okay I'll ask him. Thank you pumpkin.

I know I have to let him decide how we handle his parents. They know I have Schizoaffective and his dads first response was 'oh so will she try to kill you and us if something goes wrong'. They won't react well to my scars but I can't keep them hidden forever. I also can't voice my political views because we are very different. I know politics doesn't matter, but it does matter if their beliefs affect how they see and treat me.

Seeking the man responsible for the group that abused me would be impossible. And I wouldn't want to do it. J says I'm not selfish for doing that but I need to work hard in therapy and get to a point where I can become selfless and out the abuser. But nothing would come of it. It would be pointless.

I wish I'd never told him.

I want him to get on with my dad. I want to have a family without the drama.

His parents will think I'm not suitable for their son, and my boyfriend won't get on with my dad because he blames him for being neglectful which put me in the dangerous situations. This is such a mess I can't even cope.

I just wanted a family.




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Old 20-11-2016, 05:32 AM   #6
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He's taking things personal - beyond just your experiences. Some people identify with their nice cars and freak out if it gets scratched, dented etc. It wasn't just the car that got scratched - "they" got scratched.

Guys do that with girls generally. If his girl is violated he feels violated.

Pushing to "work hard" on therapy is an error and just adds unhealthy drama. If he wanted to do helpful things there are better ways.

I often tell people here that if they are thinking of getting married they can talk a lot about stuff but otherwise it often backfires. No doubt you had to explain some things though.

Oh and don't worry about not having chased down the violators etc. That wasn't something available to you in your situation. Blaming you in any way is a touch selfish and goes back to my first point


Last edited by Isoverity : 20-11-2016 at 05:45 AM.


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Old 20-11-2016, 08:11 PM   #7
Bellatrix
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Does anyone know any forums or links I can send him about being the partner of someone who has been abused? I'd like to inform him and let him know there are people out there in the same position as him, a place he can go to for support. I'm also going to look into carers groups for him, as he could get support there even though I don't need a carer he counts as mine.

Thanks Jack.




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Old 20-11-2016, 08:41 PM   #8
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It sounds like your partner needs some support to see your perspective and where you're coming from. I think it's important for him to recognise his own pain and emotions at knowing that you were hurt, but also that these may not be helpful to you and he needs to find his own ways to handle them that do not involve asking you to do things you're not comfortable with.

Pandy's is a really good support forum for people who have been sexually abused and they've got a sub forum for partners which he may find helpful--

http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?/...ling-together/

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Old 21-11-2016, 12:34 AM   #9
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Something that helped my partner was the companion book to Courage to Heal.

It also helped him to make an appointment with my therapist (sort of like a couples session) to discuss how to support me better.

His family also has political views that are different from mine but we cope by talking about other things. Never ever politics. Recipies, family gossip, stuff like that.

We've also been together for five years.

One thing that helped my boyfriend was talking about how I want to deal with my family and why I still have my dad around and how to help me cope with having my dad. Like, I have my dad as little as I can, but I still deal with him because I want my mom in my life and they're a package. (At the time, especially my brothers were a package with him too and I really wanted them) We came up with things he could do like never leaving me alone unless he went somewhere with my dad and how to deal with comments. We practiced different scripts. And let him know, just because you feel one way today does not mean you will feel that way in two years.

Maybe with regards to his parents, find activities you can do together and things you do have in common. That way there's something safe to talk about and it's not always fraught with difficulty. (plus, once they get to know you, maybe they'll change their opinions.)

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Old 21-11-2016, 06:31 PM   #10
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Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot.

I'll take what you have said on board.




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