Triggering (Suicide) - Roller coaster of emotions

taz35 · 01-04-2010, 05:33 AM

Mostly just needed to try and make sense of my feelings. If you have any advice, personal experience, anything.. feel free to reply.

So I've been seeing a counsellor since mid-January through my university. I was seeing him about once every two weeks, mostly for my SI. Then my mood dropped about 3 weeks ago, so he began seeing me every week and monitoring me for depression and anxiety since I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts.

I don't even know what to think about the whole situation anymore. On one hand, I wish I had never mentioned the suicide thing and he just would've thought SI was my only problem. Yet, when we just focused on the SI, it seemed like he didn't know enough about what triggered me, and couldn't stop it. The whole time trying to stop the SI, it was all about "changing your thought process", and I don't know, it just seemed really foolish. Like sure, I understand you gotta try and move your mind away from it... but it just wasn't working. And I'm tired of trying to change my thoughts when I just want to give in to them.

And now that he's monitoring me for depression.. well to be honest, I think it's probably more bipolar than anything else, but with more depressive episodes than manic. Good example? Since last Thursday:
Thursday/Friday/Saturday (until 8pm) - crappy mood, but slowly started rising
Saturday after 8pm - Tuesday morning - best mood of the past 2 weeks. Felt like I was flying, and nothing could drag me down.
Then Tuesday around midday, I started to come down again.. and today, I just said "**** it" and let the SI take over.

I have my next meeting with him tomorrow. I just want him to hurry up and figure out what the hell to do with me. Obviously he can't diagnose, since he's just a Psychiatrist... but he said he'll monitor my moods for 6 weeks and investigate more after that. It's been 4 weeks now. I'm tired of waiting, and I'm afraid the suicidal thoughts will just take over before they can fix me. Hell, I'll try any med they have for me at this point.

makedamnsure · 01-04-2010, 10:29 AM

hey, that sounds hard but I guess your psych is trying his best to help and remember there will be no quick fix. Even meds will take a while to work and putting you on the wrong ones will do no good at all. I know it is easy to sit and hope to wake up one day and just be "cured" but truth is it doesn't work like that. At least this guy is taking your worries seriously.

You did the right thing in mentioning the suicidal thoughts but I know how it can feel that when you admit to something like that they see it as a big deal whereas you maybe don't. I know its hard trying to change thought patterns but thats kind of the point, giving in to them is easy.

I hope you do find something that works soon. x